


If Only for Tonight

by etherimaginary



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, just saying, this fic will hurt you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-26 09:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 56,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6233623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etherimaginary/pseuds/etherimaginary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kyungsoo is a high school 'officer-to-be', Jongin is a gangster, and things, inevitably, happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo I wrote this last year. It's ~55k words long, and I will update every few days (I was going to say every week but lets be honest, I get way too excited to wait that long and would probably just update early anyways) Also, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tag this chapter with the tags that apply to all of the fic or not, but this fic DOES have scenes of violence, character deaths, and mayyybe sex later on. So. Consider that your warning.

The courtyard was a mess of people; students scurrying this way and that as they tried to find shelter from the downpour of rain. It had started with a light drizzle in the early hours of the dawn, but escalated into a full blown torrent by the time mid-morning came around. Not many lingered outside for long, waving goodbye to whoever had dropped them off and quickly disappearing into one of the many buildings littered around the campus. Most headed for one of the dorms, their luggage in tow, but some opted for other shelter: the cafeteria, library, a sparse several even taking a look at the assembly hall. Few, if any, students stayed out in the deluge for longer than necessary, and only one of these few wasn’t even moving, his eyes wide in awe of the scene around him, indifferent to the water that soaked into his once perfectly pressed uniform. A small nametag hung from his shirt, the pin reading ‘Do Kyungsoo’. The campus was a beautiful sight, even in the dreary grey of rain, and one that Kyungsoo had worked long and hard to get a chance at staying at. Yeobo Academy was the most prestigious school around, one whose tuition alone would empty his parents’ bank account six fold, not to mention the secondary costs such as uniforms, food, and books. Still, he had his eyes set on this school for years and in his final year of high school managed to win one of the scarce full scholarships to the academy. 

It took a couple more seconds of gawking at the beauty of the quad before Kyungsoo seemed to become aware of his surroundings, cursing the streams of water that trickled down his body as he joined the many rushing towards a building, only to find that it was not his dormitory but rather a large, mostly empty cafeteria. It took no time until he was completely lost; the buildings, though beautiful, all looking vaguely similar under the overcast of clouds. A triangle of roof jutted out high over the ground, providing merciful shelter from the rain, though it did nothing for the cold wind that swept through Kyungsoo’s soaked clothes, chilling him to the core. As he huddled under his makeshift shelter, the sound of footsteps and giggling sounded over the rain, echoing against cobblestone and brick. He looked frantically for the source, dejected eyes brightening at the sight of a pair of students walking together under an umbrella, huddled close together for warmth. It seemed like they were arguing over the effectiveness of the umbrella; the large height difference between the two making it difficult to keep them both dry at once. Despite this, they seemed impartial to the dismal weather, arguing just for the sake of arguing, and their voices brought their own short of sunshine to the sodden grounds as they teased one another. 

“Excuse me,” Kyungsoo stammered, arms wrapped around his body as a feeble attempt at warmth. As he approached the pair their talking ceased, breaking eye contact to look him over with warm smiles. Their eyes held no judgement, which Kyungsoo was grateful for, only a cheerful curiosity as they waited for him to speak, “Do you know where I can find the male dormitory?”

The shorter of the pair regarded him curiously for a second, realization dawning on his features. He had a soft face, brown locks streaked with highlights. It was nicely styled, contrasting to the taller, whose black hair sat in a mess on his head. “Yeah, we just came from there actually.” The student nodded, looking back in the direction the two had just come from. He peered back at Kyungsoo, a knowing grin on his face. “You must be new, right? Come on, we’ll show you where it is. I’m Baekhyun. This is my friend slash roommate, Chanyeol.”

At the sound of his name, Chanyeol gave a smile and a wave too happy for the mood of the day, but Kyungsoo was glad for their hospitality. It was mere chance he had found people willing to help his lost, confused self, especially considering it meant they had to back track with him. The three chatted cheerfully the whole way of the short walk, Baekhyun helpfully pointing out buildings of interest along the way. Kyungsoo discovered they were in his year, but unlike him, had been attending since they were freshmen, though they had been friends for much longer. 

“There are girl dorms and boy dorms.” Baekhyun was explaining, gesturing as they passed what Kyungsoo guessed was the one designated for girls, “Each is 5 stories tall. Everything you need is on campus, though I suggest doing any shopping for food or clothes or whatever in the city. The prices here are ridiculous. If you do decide to leave campus, just remember not to be out too late. The front gates are closed from midnight to six, so if you get locked out, you are stuck there for the night. Not fun.” Baekhyun made a face at this, as if grimacing from a memory. Kyungsoo wondered if he was talking from personal experience, and had been locked out in one of the years prior. He decided that he wouldn’t be surprised if it were true. 

After walking for a few minutes, they arrived at a building that Kyungsoo had passed a couple times before, when he was wandering around lost in the rain. A worn brass plaque was hung beside the heavy double doors, reading “Boys’ Dormitory”. Kyungsoo felt foolish for not seeing it before, even if the weather covered everything in a hazy filter. The doors remained shut, most likely to fend off the bite of the wind, but Kyungsoo could already hear the muffled voices of those within. 

“Well, this is it. Me and Yeol are heading to the auditorium. There is a mandatory assembly at one, and we want to get seats in the back so we can sleep through it. You’re welcome to join us.” With a small smile and the pat on the back, they turned and walked back towards the auditorium, leaving Kyungsoo at the doors of the dormitory. 

Inside the lobby of the dorm was chaotic. Any attempt of civility was lost as prefects scrambled to keep up with the influx of people in the lobby, matching students with their designated room and providing the code that would grant access to what they were to call home for the next ten months. There were shouts as friends were reunited, grinning and hugging, and Kyungsoo would have been happy for them had they not been adding mass to the already packed area. Most people had attended Yeobo for the entirety of high school, so large groups of reunited friends pushed through the throng of people; their voices loud as they gossiped about their summer and tried to figure out where all of their rooms where located. Kyungsoo chewed on his bottom lip, feeling out of place and, for the second time today, lost. He knew nobody here, this having been his first time on campus. Still, he was grateful for the opportunity; a diploma from Yeobo meant almost a sure acceptance into the many universities dotted around the city. He made his way past huddles of students, managing to catch the attention of one particularly stressed out prefect. 

“Do Kyungsoo” he said, voice rising over the commotion of the many people still crammed into the tiny lobby. His fingers fiddled with the straps of his backpack while he waited the short time it took to look up his name, room number, and door key.

“Do… Do… Ah, here it is. Room 407. Fourth floor, end of the hall.” The prefect scribbled the password for the door on a small piece of paper, handing it into the eager hands of Kyungsoo. He said a quick thank you and wished the other luck before quickly turning on his heel and escaping to the elevator, away from the suffocating atmosphere that such a high density of people had created. 

The elevator ride up to his floor was blissfully quiet, nobody else concerned with unpacking in the same eagerness that Kyungsoo had. It took his shaking fingers three times to press the buttons of the keypad correctly, and the moment the lock clicked, he was falling into the room, the light he flicked on having to contest it’s brightness with the smile on his face. It was a small but well-furnished room, which was to be expected when you dormed at Yeobo. A single bed was shoved up against the back wall under a window that overlooked part of the campus, framed on one side by a small nightstand and on the other a desk. Though they were expected to share a kitchen with the other students on their floor, each room housed a mini fridge, parked along with a garbage bin under a small amount of counter space hovering an inch above. Against the wall across from the meager kitchenette sat a worn leather couch, settled behind a low table. Kyungsoo was impressed at the way they had managed to fit everything in such a tiny space without making it looked cramped. On the wall to his left, situated beside the couch, a closed door sat, and Kyungsoo assumed it would lead to a bathroom. Looking around the room, he felt pride bloom in his chest. It was small, but it was his. It was home. Even now it seemed surreal. A quick glance at the clock told him he had enough time to unpack before leaving for the assembly, and he put everything away neatly before slipping back out into the hall.

Kyungsoo was startled by the presence of another, whose fingers danced uncertainly over the keypad of the door across the hall. The beeping of the keypad each time he put in the wrong password was punctuated with a soft thud as the boy hit his head against the door, clearly frustrated. At the sound of Kyungsoo clearing his throat, he spun around, his soft looking face tinted pick with embarrassment. He was cute, Kyungsoo noted, his round face and slightly chubby cheeks making him look years younger than he must have been. Gentle looking lips formed themselves into a slight pout; the boy casting his eyes downwards as he suddenly took great interest in grinding his toe into the tile. 

“Having difficulties?” Kyungsoo offered kindly, to which the colour of the boy’s cheeks darkened.

“Yeah…” he replied, his voice as soft as his face even though it was full of annoyance, “I don’t know what’s wrong. I did the exact code they gave me, but it’s not working.” He sighed, leaning back against the door, his head hitting the wood with a soft thump. It sighed under his weight but did not open, determined to keep the room to itself. 

Though Kyungsoo didn’t know the first thing about digital locks, he squinted at it, as if the answer would be written on the door itself. Discontent with the lack of answers the smooth wood provided, he offered an encouraging smile to the other, “You should go down to the lobby and see if they gave you the right password. You can put your bags in my room for now if you’d like, and I could walk with you down. I was about to leave for the assembly myself, so I’ll be passing by there anyways. I don’t mind.”

The boy brightened at this, his gummy smile contagious enough that Kyungsoo found himself grinning back at him, glad that he could reciprocate the same kindness shown to him earlier. “Really? That would be great. I’m Minseok. Senior.” Minseok held out his hand, and Kyungsoo took without hesitation despite being surprised at the boy’s age. With his childish face, Kyungsoo had thought him to be at least a year younger. He didn’t voice this thought however, as he had just met this new friend and didn’t want to come off as rude. 

“Kyungsoo. Senior.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I get too excited to post just once a week and would post every couple of days instead? Well, this is me getting to excited to post every couple of days and posting the morning after. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Though Kyungsoo longed to speak longer with his new-found friend, their introduction was cut short by Minseok’s door opening, and having been leaning on it, he tumbled backwards; his hand slipping out of Kyungsoo’s to brace himself as he landed on the floor with a startled “Oh!” 

The doorframe revealed another person, dressed only in jeans that hung low on his hips. By the look of his still wet hair, and the way water droplets clung to his exposed torso, he had been in the shower, oblivious to Minseok’s struggles. Minseok looked up, mouth forming a small ‘o’ as he sat between the legs of his scarcely dressed, slightly wet, and very much in shape roommate. His eyes lingered perhaps a little too long on the damp skin before flicking up to see who it belonged to, tongue darting out to moisten his lips. At the sight of his roommate’s face, however, he paled, scrambling up to stand beside Kyungsoo with wide, fearful eyes. A stuttered ‘sorry’ was all he could manage, face even redder than it had been previously. His roommate just smirked, leaning against the doorframe casually, as if there weren’t two of his classmates standing before him, albeit not even looking his direction out of embarrassment. 

“You must be my roommate,” he mused, ignoring Kyungsoo for the moment while his hand come up to card through his dripping locks. His voice was low, and held a quiet power that was both soothing and intimidating. Kyungsoo didn’t like the way his eyes roamed over Minseok, the look of hunger held within them. They lingered too long on Minseok’s body, dragging agonizingly slowly up his frame. The look held on his face make it seem like he was ready to pounce on the poor male, though Minseok refused to even meet his mighty stare. Even though they had only recently met, Kyungsoo found himself feeling protective of the poor boy, and held him closer instinctively. 

“How did you get in?” Minseok questioned, snapping out of his trance, “The door wasn’t opening for me. I think they gave me the wrong password” His voice was tense, one hand subconsciously clutching onto Kyungsoo’s arm. 

Hearing this, the roommate frowned, reaching forward to grab the crumpled paper in Minseok's hand that held his password. His eyes flickered over the digits a few times before a wry smile crept onto his face. “It’s the same code for both of us.” He explained, pointing to the scrawl of numbers written haphazardly on the paper, no doubt by a prefect who had been rushing, “These are fours, not nines.” He continued, tapping a few particular digits. Minseok made an irritated noise, miffed yet thankful for the explanation. Still, his stiffness didn’t soften, and as the three fell into an uneasy silence, Kyungsoo took it upon himself to save his friend from his obvious discomfort, even if the reasons for his suffering remained unknown. All he could tell was that this person made Minseok uncomfortable. The rest, Kyungsoo resolved, could be explained later.

Clearing his throat, he gestured down the empty hallway, “Well, we better get going. I don’t want to be late for the assembly, and I’m sure Minseok doesn’t either. So if you’ll-”

“You guys are actually going to that thing?” the boy said, staring incredulously at the two of them, “What am I saying, _of course_ you are. I can tell just by looking at you. Hold on, I’m going to get dressed, and we can walk together.” With that, he disappeared back into the room, bringing Minseok’s suitcases in with him and leaving the two alone. Kyungsoo, who had been confused by his words, turned to Minseok, searching for some sort of an explanation. He remembered Baekhyun saying that the assembly was mandatory, so it shouldn’t have been of any surprise that they would attend it. 

“Do you know him?” he whispered cautiously, even though the door was closed.

Minseok still looked pale, but he managed to nod his head, glancing between Kyungsoo and the door. “ _Everyone_ knows him. His name’s Yixing. Practically every girl has had a crush on him, and many guys as well. He also hangs out with this group of guys that… I don’t know. Some say they are a gang, but it’s not like anybody would know for sure. They are all around our age, but only he goes to school. He’s kind of an asshole. Oh, and he’s my roommate. Perfect.” Minseok spat the last words, tone venomous though his lower lip trembled. 

Kyungsoo, sensing his friend’s distress, slipped his fingers into Minseok’s, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze, “If you want, you can stay in my room for a while. You know, until you get comfortable with him.” Seeing the relief spread across Minseok's face, Kyungsoo silently thanked the conditions of his scholarship, allowing him to live in a single room; roommate free. He couldn’t imagine the despair the other was feeling, but he knew that, had their positions were switched, he would be infinitely thankful at the chance to room with someone who didn’t walk around half naked and was possibly a gang member. 

Before either could say anything else about the matter, the door was opened and Yixing, now dressed in a casual yet stylish shirt, tilted his head in the direction of the elevator, signaling for them to start walking. Though Kyungsoo didn’t exactly want to walk with him, Minseok had a vice like grip on his arm and tugged him forwards, obeying the silent command. Kyungsoo could see his throat working up and down in nervousness. Was Yixing really that bad? Even his presence made Minseok seem to shrink; his eyes taking sudden interest in his shoes or the wall, looking anywhere but up. Silence sat heavily upon the trio, though Yixing seemed unbothered by it. He simply radiated confidence, striding down the halls like they were built in his honor. Kyungsoo could see how it would be easy to be fearful of such a person. 

The three made their way across the campus, Kyungsoo counting the steps until he could escape into the auditorium, but when Yixing turned, leading them elsewhere, his steps faltered, gaze flickering between Yixing and the building. 

“I think you’re going the wrong way” he called, much to Minseok’s chagrin. Multiple pairs of eyes turned their way at once, owned by students more open to the idea of remaining outside now that the rain had sputtered out. They looked at the three, and it was not long after that the students started to whisper, not even bothering being discreet. Kyungsoo knew he hadn’t been here long, still susceptible to getting lost within the labyrinth of like-coloured buildings, but the auditorium wasn’t hard to spot. It was an impressive building, bigger than the dorms, with an arched ceiling and meticulously carved engravings; beautiful even from the outside. It was less a building and more an architectural masterpiece, and it sat near the entrance of the campus, where imposing iron gates proudly protected what lay within. Yeobo had obviously cut no corners in its construction. Kyungsoo had driven past it on his way in, marveling at the intricate sculpting of the ancient stone. 

Pulling his eyes back towards Yixing’s retreating back, he paused, chewing on his lip before jogging to catch up, ignoring Minseok’s pleas of “let’s just go in” and “he never goes anyways” and “Kyungsoo, _please_ ”.

“Yixing!” Kyungsoo called once more, earning more stares and whispers which he was content to ignore for the time being. He didn’t dare touch Yixing, but he reached his hand out, walking beside with a determined look on his face. Even if Minseok said that Yixing never went, Kyungsoo could hardly let the rules be flouted right under his nose without at least attempting to do something about it. “You really should go. It’s mandatory, after all. Even if you sleep through it, you should at least be there.”

Yixing had no reply but a quick glance, a sardonic smirk plastered across his lips. He kept walking, bringing the two closer to the iron gates where, now that they were closer, Kyungsoo could see a small group waited. A quick glance behind his shoulder ensured Minseok was still following and hadn’t gone in without him, and Kyungsoo, in a last ditch effort at doing the right thing, grasped the soft fabric of Yixing’s shirt, tugging meekly at the cloth. This had no effect, other than Yixing swatting his hand away before sighing deeply and addressing him.

“I’m not going. It’s the same shit every year. Don’t make such a big deal out of it.” His eyebrows were knitted together in annoyance, perhaps wishing he hadn’t asked them to come along with him, but saying nothing of the sort out loud. By this point, they were closer than comfortable for Kyungsoo to the group of boys, and they made no effort to hide the fact that they were staring. He stopped walking, letting Yixing finalize the distance between them as Kyungsoo reciprocated the stares, despite them being unnerving. His breath hitched at the sight of one of the members of the small group, leaning against the heavy gates lazily. He had a wolfish grin on his face, locking eyes with Kyungsoo until Minseok’s taps on his arm pulled his attention away. Kyungsoo quickly turned his back to the scene, grabbing his friend’s arm and walking briskly away in an effort to hide the blush creeping across his cheekbones. Though there wasn’t a single person in that group that wasn’t good looking, Yixing being testimony to that, the particular one that Kyungsoo had been caught gaping at was gorgeous in a way that was hardly legal. His skin was a glorious golden brown, fluffy hair coming down to shield part of his eyes. Kyungsoo wondered briefly if it was as soft as it looked, despite being bleached to champagne blond. His face held the reminiscence of a puppy, though his jawline was so sharp Kyungsoo wouldn’t be surprised if it cut the hand of anyone who dared slap him. The sight made Kyungsoo feel mundane in comparison. He was even shorter than Baekhyun, with a small, soft build; nothing like the tall, muscular one that the other had. Kyungsoo was even slightly jealous of his hair, though he had never once before considered changing the colour of his own. It was a deep brown, laced with traces of warm mahoganies and the occasional highlight, and Kyungsoo had been confident in its natural state before. Now, after seeing how good someone could look in a lighter shade, he thought his own hair was just boring. Kyungsoo had never really been concerned about his appearance before; he had quite enjoyed his round eyes and plump, heart shaped lips, even if they made him look just the slightest bit feminine. Under the scrutinizing eyes of Yixing’s group however, and in particular the one that made Kyungsoo’s face flush with warmth, he felt small and even the slightest bit pathetic. 

Catching himself thinking about the mysterious boy, Kyungsoo shook his head, reprimanding his own wandering mind. Slipping his hand into Minseok’s, he quickened their steps until they reached the auditorium doors, desperate to get away from his own thoughts. 

Inside was dimly lit, and they waited for their eyes to adjust to the darkness before scanning the crowd. Kyungsoo searched the sea of heads for Baekhyun and Chanyeol, but what little lighting that filled the open space did not grant him much to go by. They spotted him first, Chanyeol standing up and waving both arms erratically above his head. Baekhyun just shook his head, playfully hitting his chest at his antics. As Kyungsoo and Minseok made their way up the stairs towards the back, he could hear Baekhyun laughing.

“Sit down, you idiot giraffe. God, you’re so embarrassing.” Baekhyun’s giggling voice carried easily over the heads of students; the assembly yet to start though the time was near enough that most people that planned on coming were already there. As they got settled in their seats, Baekhyun grinned warmly in the darkness, peering across Kyungsoo’s and Chanyeol’s chests to get a better look of Minseok. “Oh! Kyungsoo, you made a friend?” 

Slightly guilty he had forgot to do introductions, Kyungsoo nodded, “Yeah. Guys, this is Minseok. Minseok, this is Baekhyun and Chanyeol. I met them earlier today.” He nodded to himself, confident in his words so far, “Minseok’s my neighbor across the hall. He shares a room with Yixing.”

Minseok had said earlier that everybody knew Yixing, but Kyungsoo was still slightly surprised when he heard the pair of gasps coming from his right.

“Yixing?” Baekhyun repeated, eyes wide, “As in _the Yixing_?” Minseok could only nod solemnly, Chanyeol shaking his head and tutting as the four– other than Kyungsoo, who was still confused about why this had become such a big deal– shared a moment of silence on Minseok’s behalf.

“I told him he could stay in my room for as long as he likes” Kyungsoo offered lightly; glad to see the relief flood back into their faces at his proposition. “Even though I don’t know why it’s such a big deal…”

“Dude.” Chanyeol began, shaking his head gravely, “He’s like… the top of the top in this school. You don’t want to mess with Yixing. Not unless you want to get jumped.” Kyungsoo blanched, remembering how he had called him out, tugged on his shirt, and had even chided him for not attending the assembly. Unaware of his desolation, Chanyeol continued on, “And you know how people say he’s part of a gang? I heard he’s not even _top dog_. Can you believe it? I wouldn’t get involved with him if I were you.”

Kyungsoo felt his throat dry, now even more devoted to the idea of offering up his own place to Minseok whenever he needed it. Before he could reply, a figure walked onto stage, the sound of him clearing his throat before speaking signaling the start of the assembly. Baekhyun and Chanyeol, as promised, soon curled up against each other, their breaths turning even as they fell into slumber. Minseok seemed to be paying attention, even though he surely had been through this before, and though Kyungsoo tried to focus on what was revealed to be just a welcoming ceremony, his mind kept wandering back to Yixing. Was he really that dangerous? If so, Kyungsoo was not against staying as far away from him as possible. Even if, he thought sheepishly, it meant not seeing that boy again.

“Baekhyun…” Kyungsoo poked his snoring friend, curiosity getting the better of him. With a soft sigh, Baekhyun’s eyes fluttered open, regarding Kyungsoo with sleepy confusion.

“What?” he mumbled, squinting in the darkness. He lifted his head from where it was resting on Chanyeol’s chest, rubbing away the sleep from his eyes. 

“Why doesn’t Yixing come to the assembly?” Kyungsoo asked. He wasn’t sure how many people where in his grade, but judging by the many heads stuffed into the grand assembly hall, nearly everyone was here.

Baekhyun shrugged, getting up off of Chanyeol’s lap to sit back in his own seat. “He doesn’t want to, I guess. Nobody really wants to; they just come because they don’t want to get in trouble. I guess he doesn’t care. That and I’m probably sure he’d just rather head out early.” Kyungsoo frowned in confusion, Baekhyun nose scrunching up slightly before clarifying, “His friends– gang, whatever– they always pick him up on Friday, then he’s gone for the weekend and comes back on Monday.” Baekhyun shrugged again, not thinking it was a big deal. It must have been as regular of an occurrence as Baekhyun said for him to be so casual about it, even though to Kyungsoo the idea was still unusual. They went without speaking for a few seconds before Baekhyun leaned back over with a grin teasing the corners of his lips, teeth glinting in the near darkness, “Did you manage to see them? His friends, I mean.” He snickered at Kyungsoo’s nod, biting his lip to silence the laughter threatening to spill out of his mouth, “God, they are all so hot. It’s so unfair. They can get a piece of me any day.” Kyungsoo snorted at this, though he was thankful the darkness concealing the blush creeping across his cheeks. 

They fell into silence once more, and Kyungsoo had thought Baekhyun had fallen asleep again when he felt a poke against his arm. The assembly seemed to be wrapping up anyways, the current speaker wishing all the students good luck in the coming year. Turning his head towards him, he found that both Chanyeol and Baekhyun were awake, and he raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

“Me and Baek are going into the city on Sunday.” Chanyeol’s deep voice rumbled with a slight crack; he must have just woken up now. “A last ditch attempt at happiness before school officially starts, you know? Are you down? You can bring Minseok.” Kyungsoo brightened at the idea, as did Minseok, who had been listening in. It only took one glance at the other to confirm he was up for the trip.

Kyungsoo nodded eagerly, already awaiting the day. “We’re in.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-reading and editing these chapters is making me cringe. Who knew how much difference a year could make.

Kyungsoo awoke Sunday morning to the loud blare of his alarm clock, groggily clicking it off as he rolled out of bed. He had spent the previous day with Minseok, touring the campus and trying to engrave the many pathways and buildings into his mind. Later, he had helped Minseok get settled in, tidying his room with the neat precision that he had treated his own. Kyungsoo didn’t mind the mundane activity of unpacking; in fact he had been the one to offer. Though Minseok was just as old as him and slightly taller, Kyungsoo felt inclined to assist him. Perhaps it was his squishy, round face, or maybe the way his almond eyes widened and his hands folded into soft fists at any mention of vulgarity. Either way, Kyungsoo felt a warm sense of innocence when he was with Minseok, and he wanted to protect and help him in any way he could, even if it included hours of unpacking and organizing. Minseok hadn’t minded sleeping in his own room last night, seeing as Yixing would be gone all weekend, so they had made up his bed and got in a little cleaning before Chanyeol and Baekhyun and come bubbling through the hallway, demanding to spend some time with them even though the four would be spending the entire next day together. It was still settling though; all sitting in Kyungsoo’s room talking. He discovered that Baekhyun was going to study music in university, Chanyeol at his heels. Minseok surprised them all by revealing a passion for marine biology, and how he planned to pursue it after he graduated. When asked, Kyungsoo confidently explained his plan, telling them about his dreams of being part of law enforcement. He was naturally a rule abiding person, so his friends weren’t too surprised, and wished him the best of luck. They made their leave as the sun began to dip in the sky, giddy with excitement for the next day’s adventure.

Stumbling towards his bathroom, Kyungsoo slipped into the shower, letting the hot water wash the remaining sleep from his body. He had barely gotten dressed when he heard an aggressive banging against his door, then a muffled yet just as insistent banging which must have been on Minseok’s. He opened the door to a grinning Chanyeol, bouncing from foot to foot with a childish excitement. He looked far too chipper for this hour of the morning, and Kyungsoo resisted the urge to close the door right in his face. Baekhyun had insisted on leaving at an hour that, in Kyungsoo’s mind, was unreasonably early. He had been looking forward to sleeping in, but the dream had been snatched away from him, the thief still banging his fist against Minseok’s door even after a muffled “coming!” sounded from within. It took only a moment more before Minseok joined them, and soon enough Baekhyun and Chanyeol were dragging them down the hallways, hurrying through the campus and to the bus stop. Their rushing was not impractical, however, as they arrived only moments before the bus did and, chests heaving, piled on and got their seats. 

It was not too long of a ride into the city; their school was situated on the fringes of the urban landscape, its skyline ruled by looming buildings rather than trees. Having been from the other, less luxurious side of the city, Kyungsoo stared out the window in awe, though he felt a slight pang of nostalgia for the lush forests that grew proudly by his house. It would be months before he could see their greenery again, and that was only if he decided to return come Christmas break. 

“First thing’s first.” Baekhyun clapped his hands together, assuming the leadership role naturally as he turned his attention to Minseok and Kyungsoo. “Every trip to the city is commenced with ice cream. No exceptions; it’s tradition.” Kyungsoo could only nod, the answer being enough acknowledgement to satisfy Baekhyun. It was warm out, the ghost of summer hanging heavily in the autumn air. The humid air was nearly suffocating in such a heat, and by the time they had reached the ice cream shop, Kyungsoo was uncomfortably hot, his shirt sticking to his damp skin. They had already passed multiple other shops that he had deemed acceptable but Baekhyun had just snorted and said, “That? That is just an ice cream shop. It’s not the ice cream shop” and there was no arguing with that.

If Kyungsoo hadn’t been in the mood for ice cream before, he was now, the heat dotting sweat across his forehead. He looked down at the sad puddle his meal was becoming, feeling strangely empathetic towards it. The four of them were the only ones occupying the tiny shop, which he was grateful for considering the show Chanyeol and Baekhyun were putting on. Only the poor shop owner witnessed their act, looking more and more harried as the minutes of dramatics dragged on. Kyungsoo briefly wondered how many times the pair had made such a fuss in his shop, because he regarded the scene with a despaired yet unsurprised air.

“I swear if you don’t pick a flavor within the next thirty seconds, I am going to order for you and get something you hate” Chanyeol was yelling, hands fisting in Baekhyun’s hair as he pressed his face against the glass. 

“Unhand me, vile heathen! Time is as sweet as the ice cream I plan to consume. No rush befalls us on this noble day.” Baekhyun’s words carried easily in the parlor, dramatics obvious despite his voice being muffled by the glass. “How can ones heart be at ease when I must make such a decision as whether to get raspberry cheesecake or hazelnut delight? Oh, woe is me!”

Kyungsoo watched the scene, stifling giggles as he dug his spoon into the remnants of his own ice cream. Minseok had already finished his, and was grinning madly at their two friends. Baekhyun had pretended to faint, and was lying comatose on the floor, while Chanyeol just rolled his eyes, stepping over unmoving body to order him the hazelnut option. Shaking his head, he joined Kyungsoo, waiting for Baekhyun’s order to be filled. If he hadn’t known them better, he would have worried that it was an actual fight.

“He does this every time,” Chanyeol explained, sighing heavily though his eyes glinted with amusement, “and it always ends up as hazelnut. I don’t know why I even put up with him.” He purposely said the last part loudly, to which Baekhyun stuck his tongue out as he walked over, ice cream in hand. 

“You love it, don’t lie.” He countered, taking a scoop for himself before feeding some to Chanyeol, cooing. Both Kyungsoo and Minseok looked away at the open display of intimacy, which resulted in them locking eyes awkwardly, neither taking the initiative to look away first. 

“Ah, we should… get going?” Minseok tried, casting his eyes downward as a faint rose tinted his cheeks. Baekhyun clapped his hands at the idea, shoveling the rest of the ice cream uncivilly into his mouth before jumping up, he and Chanyeol engaging in a duel to see who could get out the door first. Kyungsoo followed from a safe distance, disposing of their cups in the garbage before exiting back into the bright sunlight. 

The rest of the day was spent shopping; the group wandering in and out of stores, though not really searching for anything. For Kyungsoo, it was nice just being able to spend time with friends. His fingertips fluttered over a silk shirt, marveling at its smooth texture as he waited for Minseok to come out of the change room.

“So? How do I look?” The shy voice came from over Kyungsoo’s shoulder, and he smiled broadly when he turned around, breaking out into laughter. Minseok had picked out the most hideous outfit he could find, and Kyungsoo had begged him to try it on. His shirt was covered in rings of different sizes, outlined in sequins that winked every time he moved. His pants were purposely two sizes too big, and hung off his legs like they would fly away at any given moment. They themselves were a hideous mustard yellow, fuchsia zebra striped adorning the sides. Kyungsoo had never seen a more terrible outfit.

“Fan-freaking-tastic. Seriously. You should totally get it. Seduce everyone at school.” Kyungsoo agreed, muffling his laughter with the back of his hand. Minseok snorted at his sarcasm, retreating back into the change room to abandon the awful clothes. Kyungsoo could hear Chanyeol and Baekhyun bickering over which pair of socks to buy, and he hurried Minseok out of the shop, cueing their friends to follow before it turned into another over the top fight. 

Their shopping mission was cut short by the darkening sky, bright blue being replaced with deep oranges and pinks. Reluctantly, Baekhyun agreed to make their way back to the bus stop, not wanting to be caught in the dark. Kyungsoo himself felt uneasy in the fading light. He knew about the nightlife of the city; the illegal activity that he would one day be working to stop. For now, he could do nothing but ensure such a future would happen, and that started with getting home safe. 

They had been waiting at the stop for only a few minutes before a group of voices echoed over the pavement, loud and rowdy against the previous stillness of the evening air. Kyungsoo caught a curse falling from Chanyeol’s lips, and looking up for himself to see what had caused such a distasteful reaction, he felt his heart drop down into his feet. 

“Hey!” an all too familiar voice called; Yixing stumbling slightly as he made his way towards them as if he had something to drink previously. “Look! It’s my roommate. Oh, and he has friends, how cute.” His laugh was obnoxious; too loud and going on for too long. He was followed by others who, much to Kyungsoo’s relief, appeared much more sober, and were walking steadily behind their intoxicated friend. Kyungsoo counted five in total, including Yixing. “Hey, are you taking this bus back to campus? We should join you.”

At this, Chanyeol wrinkled his nose and turned away, though he wisely didn’t say anything against it. Baekhyun clutched on to the taller male, eyeing the new group suspiciously. If not for Kyungsoo’s own heart threatening to burst from his ribcage, he would have taken it upon himself to console Minseok, who was clearly the most uncomfortable out of all of them. Yixing was hanging off of him, speaking loudly though everyone could hear him just fine. Through his drunken slur, Kyungsoo pieced together his timeline of the day, which had ended in drinking in the name of Yixing’s ‘final night of freedom’ before school started.

 

Kyungsoo was so focused on Yixing and Minseok that he was oblivious to the man slinking up behind him, his footfalls silent. Kyungsoo jumped at a touch to his shoulder, looking down to see a hand gripping it firmly. Turning to see who it was that had asked his attention, he found himself staring into the eyes of a god, one that had been occupying a space in his mind all weekend.

“Hey,” the man grinned, sultry voice sending tingles down Kyungsoo’s spine. He didn’t remove his hand from his shoulder, and Kyungsoo felt himself shrink under its weight. He had to remind himself that these men where possibly dangerous, if rumors were anything to go by. Still, it was hard to maintain his resolve with such a delicious proximity, the man staring down at Kyungsoo as something dark flashed within the pools of his eyes. “I’m Jongin.”

“K-Kyungsoo” was the stuttered reply, and Kyungsoo cursed his tongue for betraying his internal emotions; predominantly fear and, though he hated to admit it, desire. Jongin finally released his hold on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, nodding his head. Kyungsoo stared at his lips; the way they looked so soft and welcoming, perfectly pulled up into a slight smirk in such a way that had Kyungsoo racing to catch up with his heart.

“I know. Lay told me already.” Jongin stopped himself, noticing the bewilderment that played across Kyungsoo’s delicate features at mention of the foreign name, “Ah, sorry. I mean Yixing. Lay is his… it’s just what we call him.”

It was then that the bus came, allowing Kyungsoo a few seconds of much needed relief as they all settled together at the back. He had been secretly hoping that they wouldn’t sit together; that the groups wouldn’t mingle in such a close way. Surely it was forbidden, by some irrelevant law of the school hierarchy. It was obvious Yixing’s friends were more comfortable than Kyungsoo’s, each who were adamant in not making any interaction with the others. 

“So, Kyungsoo,” Jongin drawled, drawing abstract shapes on Kyungsoo’s thigh, even though the touch was far too intimate for Kyungsoo’s taste, especially considering they had just met. “What made you choose Yeobo for your last year?”

Glad to have a topic he could easily speak about; Kyungsoo cleared his throat, daring a glance at the other before speaking. “It looks good on your resume; to graduate from there. I want to get into law enforcement, so having prestige gives me a one up over the competition.” he was desperately trying not to focus on the fingers dragging across his leg, or the way Jongin was staring at him intently with a look Kyungsoo couldn’t decide if it was endearing or unnerving. A couple of his words came out stuttered anyways, despite his best attempts at indifference. “Yeobo was the best option, and they gave me a scholarship, so it was really a no brainer. What about you guys?”

Jongin’s smile faltered at this, his hand mercifully retracting from Kyungsoo’s thigh. He seemed at a loss for words for a moment, not having anticipated the conversation turning around on him. “La- Yixing is the only one in school. Everyone else just… we work together. We have a business, per say.”

Kyungsoo, despite himself, was curious as to what Jongin meant, but Jongin was clearly uncomfortable talking about it and didn’t continue. Kyungsoo decided he didn’t want to push the topic, lest it anger the other, so they rode the rest of the trip in a tense quietness, neither having anything else to say for the time being. By the time they arrived at their rooms – Baekhyun and Chanyeol having earlier escaped to their own in a desperate sort of rush, claiming they needed to head to bed early for school the next day – the silence was nearly unbearable. Only Yixing, Jongin, Kyungsoo, and Minseok had come up, the others not wanting to chance getting caught on school grounds. The four stood awkwardly outside of the rooms, Minseok and Kyungsoo exchanging looks of uncertainty. Kyungsoo knew that his friend was not yet comfortable sleeping in the same dorm as Yixing, let alone a Yixing that had been drinking, but with Jongin standing expectantly beside Kyungsoo, any attempts of offering his room to Minseok were null and void. An internal sigh of resignation swept through Kyungsoo as he realized he was not going to get out of spending time with his new ‘friend’.

“Would you like to come inside for a bit?” he breathed, hoping his offer would be rejected despite all odds.

Any hope dissipated the moment Jongin grinned that same, predatory smile that Kyungsoo had seen just a few days before. “I’d _love_ to.” He emphasized, and Kyungsoo had to fight down the urge to scrunch up his nose. Sparing one last, apologetic glance at Minseok, he pressed the familiar code into the keypad of his door, swinging it open to reveal the small, dark dwelling within. The door shut with a soft sigh as Jongin pushed it closed, leaving them standing awkwardly at the threshold.

“Do you want… something to eat?” Kyungsoo offered, mentally going over what little food he had stashed in the mini fridge the school provided. He had been meaning to go grocery shopping, but having spent the last few days with his friends, the opportunity never arose. Jongin brushed passed him, sinking down onto the couch comfortably before he answered, gazing up at Kyungsoo with heavy lidded eyes. 

“Well, if I’m being honest, there _is_ something I’d love to eat, but unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll find it in that little fridge of yours.” The innuendo was clear in his voice, and Kyungsoo hastily looked away, distracting himself by fussing with the dishcloths draped over the edge of the small counter sitting against the wall. “Kyungsoo, come sit with me.” Jongin’s voice was whiny, his face pulling into a pout that Kyungsoo found himself all too willing to give in to. “Come on, I’ll tell you about my friends.” Jongin patted the cushion beside him, his foot tapping out an impatient rhythm absentmindedly. 

Kyungsoo moved on autopilot; though he didn’t exactly want to be near Jongin, he was curious as to what he had to say about his friends. “You’ve already met Yixing, so I won’t even go over him.” Much to Kyungsoo’s relief, Jongin did not move closer once he had settled himself onto the couch. Instead, he stared at the wall, tapping his fingers against the arm of the sofa in thought. “There’s Sehun. He is the one with the hair. You know, the undercut? He only recently dyed the top part blonde. I think it looks cool. Tao and Yifan are the two really tall ones. Tao is the thin one; the one that looks like a cat.” Jongin paused, smiling at his own description, “And Yifan is the one who looks like he’s always in a bad mood. That guy doesn’t really smile, so don’t take it personally if he doesn’t with you. I have more, but those are all the ones that came tonight. They are our main group.” 

Kyungsoo nodded, trying to memorize the descriptions and match each to one of the faces he had glanced at briefly. They seemed like a mismatched group, but he could tell from the fondness in both Jongin’s voice and eyes as he spoke that he was fiercely devoted to his friends. It was sweet, in a way. “And they all work with you? In your, um, business?” 

Once again, Jongin seemed wary of this topic, simply nodding and not elaborating like Kyungsoo had hoped he would. That was ground to be tread on another day, Kyungsoo decided, if he ever spoke to Jongin again. He had a sinking feeling he knew just what sort of business it was, if rumors where anything to go by. He briefly recalled Minseok’s face as he described Yixing and his group of friends, and how Chanyeol had warned him about getting involved with the group. Maybe it would be better to simply not ask. Kyungsoo glanced at the clock, regarding Jongin with exasperation before standing up, indicating it was time to leave. He prayed that Jongin would leave without a fuss; Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he had it in him to argue. Prayers answered, Jongin caught the cue and followed suit, rising to stand with him by the door though making no move to open it. His gaze lingered on Kyungsoo’s lips far longer than they should have, fingers twitching like he wanted to reach out and touch him. Kyungsoo, uncomfortable under his heavy gaze, shifted his weight awkwardly, feeling his face warm in an act of betrayal. 

“Well, it was nice talking to you,” Kyungsoo began, trying to make his voice pleasant and failing miserably, “but I have school in the morning and if you were caught here, you’d get in big trouble so you should probably-” Kyungsoo was cut off by a rough shove against his chest, sending him spilling against the wall that edged the doorframe. Jongin loomed over him, one hand boxing in his head while the other ghosted over Kyungsoo’s quickly reddening cheek. His lips hovered over Kyungsoo’s own; a satellite orbiting a little too close, threatening to succumb to the gravity pulling him in. Jongin’s thumb traced the edge of Kyungsoo’s mouth, the constant tick of the clock the only sound in the tense air. What little air separated them was hot, swirling with every rattled breath. Jongin leaned in, pressing his forehead against Kyungsoo’s, never breaking eye contact. Kyungsoo felt his gaze boring into him, and it made him self-conscious, teeth holding onto his lower lip nervously, unaware how irresistible it made him look. Jongin’s breath hitched, pressed up silently against the other, not daring to breathe lest he break the fragile moment. For a brief, horrifying moment, Kyungsoo thought Jongin was going to kiss him, but all he did was murmur something to himself, and then he was gone, door slamming behind him and footsteps slowly fading down the hallway. Kyungsoo slid down the wall, one hand over his heart as he tried to calm his breathing. He listened to the faint sounds of the stairwell opening and closing, confirming that Jongin was truly gone. Jongin seemed to know just how to twist him every which way, giving a little before taking a lot, leaving Kyungsoo hating himself for wanting more. He tried to fight the smile slowly creeping across his face, but eventually found himself relenting to the warm sensation Jongin had left him with, giggling like a child. Still, through his giddiness, his mind whirred in confusion. _What was that?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so it's like 2:30 in the morning and I've had three cups off coffee, and between staring into space and mild existential crises, I thought "why not post the next chapter?" So here it is. I guess I'm giving up on the whole "every couple days" thing haha. I'm so tired. Also I finished writing chapter 3 of my incubus!Jongin/asexual!Kyungsoo, so thats pretty exciting. I'll post that one once I've posted all the chapters for this one. Enjoy!

As September faded away, Kyungsoo did not see Jongin again. He did not hear from him, nor did Yixing ever mention him, not that Kyungsoo had had much contact with Yixing to begin with. Between classes and the mountains of homework that had to be done, the only time he could really see any of his friends was at lunch or on the weekends. There was the occasional day when Baekhyun and Chanyeol had come up to Kyungsoo’s room, the three sitting in the comfortable silence that familiarity brought. It had only taken Minseok a week and a half of living with Kyungsoo before he decided to just face his roommate, and had since then moved out. It left Kyungsoo alone in his dorm, but the isolation didn’t bother him too much. He had a scholarship to keep, and in the silence he made himself useful, pushing through the heavy workload that was expected when you were enrolled in Yeobo. He convinced himself he didn’t mind. It took his mind away from things he ought not to think about, things Baekhyun had warned him against time and time again after Kyungsoo had confided his thoughts in him. 

Autumn was well underway by the time Chanyeol decided that they would take a well-deserved break from the onslaught of homework and school; his plan explained during the lunch hour. They were eating out on the quad, reveling the last few weeks before it became too cold to eat outside.

“Halloween party.” Chanyeol stated, sweeping his arms across the air in front of him for emphasis, “This weekend. Off campus. It’s going to be great. Anyone who’s anyone is going.” 

Baekhyun had squealed at the idea, bouncing with excitement on the lush, pampered grass that blanketed the grounds of the courtyard. Minseok too nodded eagerly, the thought of getting away, even if only for a night, too sweet to resist. Kyungsoo hesitated, uncertain. He liked parties, who didn’t? The fact was, however, that he had been doing so well in his classes, having caught up on all the required reading and assignments, and after catching up, doing others in advance. He didn’t want to stop now, nor interrupt the flow he had so carefully fallen into. Not only that, but if, as Chanyeol had said, it was so be a huge deal, then Kyungsoo ran the risk of running into Jongin again. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to treat him, and would have just preferred to stay away entirely. Chanyeol cut Kyungsoo off before he could even say anything, knowing the look on his face all too well.

“Don’t even try to get out of this one, Do Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol chided, glaring his way. If Kyungsoo hadn’t been friends with Chanyeol, he would have found the look intimidating; Chanyeol towered everyone else in their group, and though he wasn’t muscular, he was toned enough to be a presence that one would think twice about crossing. Luckily, however, Kyungsoo knew that his large eared friend was nearly as big of a wimp as Baekhyun, and just returned his icy gaze with a roll of his eyes and a stuck out tongue. “I’m not going to have you hole up in your room like you do every weekend. You, my friend, are in need of a night of relaxation. I swear I can see grey hairs growing on your head from all the stress.”

Kyungsoo wouldn’t exactly call a party relaxing, and was thinking of declining the offer when Minseok spoke up.

“Oh, Kyungsoo, won’t you come? I don’t want you to miss out on it. Chanyeol’s right, you can’t live in your room forever. I’m sure you’ll have a blast. Please?” He stretched the last word into a whine, peering up at Kyungsoo through thick lashes in an irresistible puppy pout. 

“Fine, fine. I’ll come to the party.” He conceded, pushing Minseok’s face away with the palm of his hand, “As long as you promise never to make that face again. It’s disgusting.” 

~ ~ ~

The party was in full swing by the time the four of them arrived; a crowd of people cluttered in the living room, some dancing to the blare of music hanging over their heads, others sitting, losing themselves in each other’s drunk kisses. The entire place reeked of alcohol, the sickly sweet aroma making Kyungsoo slightly nauseous. Baekhyun handed him a cup or something that smelled a lot stronger than beer, giving orders to enjoy himself before Chanyeol pulled him away, yelling something about doing shots. 

Kyungsoo milled about for a while, waiting for the alcohol to take effect. The sensation of being around so many people was a shock after weeks of staying in his room, where the only sound was the faint ticking of the clock hung snugly above his desk. Here, the dominating racket was the music; its deep bass shaking Kyungsoo down to his bones. He had to admit it was nice getting lost in the pulse of whatever song was playing; everyone moving to the same heartbeat thrum. He accepted drink after drink that was handed to him, and soon enough he found his head spinning, stumbling into the slightly less occupied kitchen to catch his breath. Through his foggy vision he noticed Baekhyun and Chanyeol sitting on the floor behind the kitchen table. They were pressed so tightly together it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began, and by their unfiltered noises creeping over the music from the next room over, it was no mystery that they were both even more drunk than Kyungsoo was. They didn’t even look up when Kyungsoo stared at them, his brain processing the scene sluggishly through the heavy blanket of alcohol weighing on his mind. Neither their make out session nor their complete inebriation shocked him; by now he was used to their over the top intimacy even when there wasn’t any alcohol involved. They were no strangers to public displays of affection, and Kyungsoo had often wondered if they were secretly exhibitionists when it came to the bedroom department. They had been more than willing to gush the details to him, who most times just replied with a disgusted face and an “I did _not_ need to know that.”

Realizing that he had been hawking at the entangled pair for more time than should be deemed appropriate, Kyungsoo lifted his droopy eyes, searching for Minseok. He hadn’t seen the boy all night, and even through the veil of intoxication his mother instincts were kicking in, telling him to make sure he was okay. Grasping weakly onto the table for support, he turned, stumbling back into the pulsing wave of people, most of which who were in a similar state as he was. He didn’t bother calling out, as any attempts would be swallowed up by the deafening dissonance, but his mind was still coherent enough to search the faces of the writhing crowd, though each was not the one he was looking for. As his hopes fell, he resigned his search; he would have to find Minseok later. It was impossible to tell who was who in the thick crowed, dim lights playing shadows over their blissful faces. 

Stumbling up the staircase, where it was mercifully quieter and cooler, Kyungsoo sighed heavily, leaning against a wall. His vision reeled slightly, and he blinked slowly, trying to regain composure. It still was not quiet enough here, and as his head swam; he knew he needed to muffle the sounds of the party. His hands danced along the wall until one closed around the cool smoothness of a doorknob, and he turned it, pushing it open without knocking. Oh, how he wished he had. 

“Minseok?” he questioned, his voice hazy. Letting his eyes adjust to the unexpected darkness, Kyungsoo sunk heavily against the door frame, peering in at his topless friend, who was currently intertwined on the bed with- _oh._

“Hey, Kyungsoo” Yixing drawled lazily, at ease with the situation though Kyungsoo was staring, mouth agape. Minseok refused to make eye contact, nuzzling his face into the fabric of Yixing’s shirt timidly. Of all the things Kyungsoo had expected to see this night, Minseok together with Yixing was not one of them. Thankfully, the two still had most of their clothes on, but the mere idea of what would have happened had Kyungsoo come into the room later was enough to send a slight heave through his abdomen. Yixing, oblivious to his distress, regarded him with curiosity, trying to judge just how drunk he was. He did not seem exactly happy about being interrupted, and was already trying to get Kyungsoo to leave so that he could resume what he had been doing earlier. “Haven’t you seen Jongin yet? He’s here, you know. You should go look for him.” He spoke the words with a knowing smirk, hand idly gliding up and down Minseok’s arm in a way that would have been almost soothing had it not been for his obvious arousal. 

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo slurred, realization taking a moment to cross his face. Minseok’s where-abouts confirmed, he had a new target in mind, though the tiny part of his brain that was still thinking logically screamed at him not to. Still, he stumbled out of the room, slamming the door behind him. After his first step, which had sent the world tipping on its side, Kyungsoo decided it was best to give himself a few minutes before starting his search, his back sliding down the wall until he was settled onto the plush carpet comfortably. He tipped his head back, letting it hit the wall with a gentle thud before allowing his eyes to slip closed. He felt more settled this way, less like he was going to collapse at any moment. At least now he was already on the ground should his legs decide to give out. 

“Kyungsoo?” a gentle, cautious voice called from somewhere above him. Kyungsoo opened his eyes to a pair of jean-clad legs, and he followed their trail upwards until he was looking up at Jongin. Though he was smirking in amusement, his eyes were slightly narrowed, eyebrows drawn together in slight concern. He held out a steadying hand to Kyungsoo as he scrambled to get up off the floor. It only took a moment for Kyungsoo to find his balance before he abandoned it, leaning into Jongin’s touch while his hands moved to slide around his waist. Jongin seemed surprised at the sudden affection, though it did not take long for that surprise to be replaced with understanding, teeth coming out to hold one plump lip between them. “Yixing texted me that you were up here. You’re totally wasted, aren’t you? God, who let you drink so much? Baekhyun?”

The only reply was a muffled needy whine from Kyungsoo; his small hands gripping onto the material of Jongin’s shirt like it might be snatched away from him at any second. Taking a quick inventory of the available rooms, Jongin half walked half dragged Kyungsoo to the nearest open one, laying him onto the supple mattress with ease. He collapsed next to Kyungsoo, whose hands immediately began bravely roaming over his clothed torso. Jongin couldn’t help the small breathy moan that brushed past his lips, eyes fluttering shut. He felt the mattress shift as Kyungsoo climbed over him, straddling his waist while simultaneously pulling his own shirt over his head. In the next moment, Jongin felt their lips connect, and his eyes snapped open in surprise. Kyungsoo was whining into his mouth, hands carding through the soft blond locks topping Jongin’s head, and it was making it hard to think straight. Kyungsoo didn’t let up either, his drunken stupor cheering him on as he licked and purred into Jongin; leaning back to press kisses along his jawline and neck, and oh god, he was hard, hips pressing forward as he rutted into Jongin. He could hear Jongin’s raspy breath, its pace unsteady as Kyungsoo’s fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, growling with impatience. The moment he got the shirt undone his hands returned to Jongin’s chest, the feeling of skin against skin euphoric. A fiery trail followed wherever Kyungsoo dragged his hands across Jongin’s skin, who was having an increasingly difficult time trying to collect his thoughts. 

“Kyung… soo…” he breathed enchantingly, hands coming up to grip red fingerprints into the soft skin of Kyungsoo’s arm. “Stop. _Stop_.” It was then that Jongin managed to regain control, pushing Kyungsoo back on the mattress with more force than necessary, sitting up to stare wildly as his open shirt pooled against his stomach. He sighed, running his hand through his hair before looking towards the other sitting haphazardly on the edge of the bed, his position much too precarious considering that state he was in. Confusion and hurt flashed across Kyungsoo’s face before he looked down in shame, avoiding Jongin’s gentle gaze. “Kyungsoo, you’re _drunk_. I’m not going to have sex with you like this. It’s- it’s not right. I won’t do it. Please, Kyungsoo, don’t be mad at me. You’ll thank me in the morning.”

Kyungsoo reached out a hand when Jongin stood up, scurrying forward on the bed to hold onto this wrist lightly. “Please… don’t leave. Stay with me tonight.” His voice wavered, looking up at Jongin through thick lashes, and Jongin sank back once again onto the mattress, nodding slowly. He would be lying if he said he didn’t want to stay, and though his body was screaming at him to fuck Kyungsoo hard into mattress until the only thing he could remember was his name, he supposed that simply laying together would suffice. Together they slipped beneath the silken sheets, Kyungsoo wiggling back into the curve of Jongin’s body, letting out a contented sigh. He fit so perfectly, and Jongin was so warm and comforting against him that he soon fell into a serene sleep, tranquility softening his features so that they were void of any emotion. Jongin stayed up for nearly an hour more, simply listening to Kyungsoo's deep, even breaths. It was a sound he could get used to. His hand crawled timidly up Kyungsoo’s bare torso, pressing against his ribcage to feel the gentle bump of his heart beneath his skin. It was like this that he fell asleep; Kyungsoo’s breaths and heartbeat lulling him into peaceful unconsciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wouldn't believe how much of this chapter I had to edit for it to make sense. I'm literally cringing at past me. Wyd, boo?

Kyungsoo awoke with a splitting hangover, groaning as he cast an arm over his eyes to block out the light streaming in from the window. He remembered very little from last night: Baekhyun and Chanyeol in the kitchen, looking for Minseok before finding him with Yixing, the crush of bodies feeling hot and suffocating. He did not, however, remember how he ended up in one of the beds upstairs, wrapped up snugly in its plush covers. He felt a soft breath against the skin of his back and looked down with a start at his, much to his horror, unclothed torso. The only thing that covered the bare skin was a tan arm, which tensed before pulling him closer to its owner lying peacefully behind him when he tried to wriggle away. Shifting as quietly as he could, Kyungsoo turned, trying to catch a glimpse of who the arm belonged to. 

His heart dropped at the sight, Kyungsoo cursing his luck. It just had to be Jongin. Jongin, with his gentle eyes and plump lips; his chest thin yet sculpted from what Kyungsoo’s wandering eyes could see. The bare skin disappeared beneath the duvet, and Kyungsoo prayed that he wasn’t fully naked beneath the linen. He was surprised the pounding of his heart didn’t wake the other; surely the erratic thrum could be heard all throughout the household. He felt a panic rising up in his throat, as well as anger. He wasn’t sure if it was directed at Jongin or himself, but Kyungsoo found himself pushing the sleeping male away roughly, tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

“Kyungsoo?” Jongin mumbled, voice sounding only half conscious as his eyelids fluttered open. Kyungsoo hated how perfect he looked like this; hair tousled and eyes batting away tiredness that still clutched on to the edges of his consciousness. It made him want to lean forward back into Jongin’s embrace and sleep the day away in each other’s arms, and he quickly raced to regather his meandering thoughts. 

“Did we… you know” Kyungsoo asked, voice strained. His head was pounding against the back of his eyes, and he pressed the heel of his palm against his eyelids before trying to continue. “Did we-”

“Have sex?” Jongin finished, smirking. “No, we did not. You were shit-faced drunk, and I wasn’t about to make _that_ our first time. You did, however, make out with me. And took off my shirt. And ask me to stay the night with you, which is why I’m here now.”

Kyungsoo groaned in embarrassment, pushing his face into the pillows while Jongin stretched, reaching for his shirt and beginning to do up the buttons. “How could I be so stupid? Making out with you? _Half naked_? We’re not even dating.” Kyungsoo’s voice was full of despair, allowing himself such theatrics for the time being. He felt mortified of his acts, even though he could easily blame them on the alcohol that had clouded his discretion. 

“We could be.” Jongin’s suggestion interrupted his thoughts, his voice no longer beside Kyungsoo but rather coming from across the room. Kyungsoo’s sat up quickly- too quickly, he internally groaned as his head pounded- staring with wide eyes in disbelief of what he had just heard. Jongin, who had been trying to fix his hair in a mirror, smiled slyly back at his reflection.

“What did you just say?” Kyungsoo breathed. He knew he should refuse right away, scorning the idea of romance built upon drunken acts of intimacy. Dating Jongin was stupid and reckless. It was irresponsible and impulsive and, Kyungsoo thought meekly, incredibly tempting. Kyungsoo wanted Jongin. He wanted to let himself love him, to let himself succumb to the aching numbness in his chest that had been gnawing at him ever since they had locked eyes. He just never thought such a dream would become reality.

“We could date. You and I. You could be my boyfriend.” Jongin repeated, a fond smile tickling his lips. Kyungsoo merely sat in shocked silence, his mouth opening and closing though no words came out. Jongin chuckled at the sight, turning back to his own reflection, “Why not, right?” 

Not trusting his voice, Kyungsoo nodded weakly, earning a broad smile from Jongin at his agreement before he went back to fussing over his appearance. Jongin pretended not to notice the quick glances Kyungsoo sneaked at him, nor the way that after only a second he looked away, face flush as he his teeth bit onto his lower lip. Jongin was like the sun: so bright and beautiful one could not look at him for too long without getting hurt. He was a stained glass mosaic; a billion vibrant colours making glass that was sharp enough to cut look delicate and graceful, daring anyone brave enough to touch its edges. Kyungsoo marveled at his turned form, the silhouette of his body beautiful in its own right. It spoke of elegance and poise; strength and a predatory litheness unmatched by any other. 

“Okay then. We are dating.” Jongin concluded, stepping back from the mirror once he was satisfied with what it held. Kyungsoo thought that saying it like that was rather anticlimactic, but before he could say anything about the matter, Jongin was heading out the door, closing it softly behind him; the only goodbye a soft, loving smile. 

Sleep evaded Kyungsoo that night; a frustrating game of cat and mouse that he was losing pitifully. Even though he knew he would regret it in the morning, his thoughts refused to be settled, flapping around his mind erratically like a flock of frenzied bats. The conversation from earlier that day was stuck on repeat in his mind, and though try as he might, he couldn’t stop his thoughts from drifting to Jongin; the way his arms felt strong and secure holding Kyungsoo’s tired body, the way he his touch sent trails of sparks skittering along his skin as fingers ghosted across his chest absentmindedly in his slumber. Kyungsoo was convinced he could almost still smell Jongin’s scent lingering on his body even though he had showered and changed his clothes the moment he had gotten back to the dorms. The clock in his room ticked on mercilessly, currently reading 1:47am. Knowing that he had to wake up in a mere couple of hours, he groaned, rolling over to pull a pillow close to his body. He hugged it tightly, both his arms and legs wrapping around it to squish it against his chest. It was only in imagining that the pillow was Jongin that sleep finally claimed him, dreams of chaste kisses and whispers of sweet nothings playing across the backdrop of his eyelids. 

~ ~ ~

“You look like death” Baekhyun noted the next day during class, after the lesson was taught and the teacher instructed them to work on the homework for the remainder of class. Baekhyun had his legs propped up on the chair beside him, pencil tapping restlessly on the workbook fit snugly into his lap though it was clear he had no intention of actually doing any of the problems written within it. “Seriously, Soo, I haven’t seen you this horrid since your homework binge in September. Did you even sleep at all?”

Kyungsoo sighed, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “Not really,” he admitted. He still wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to tell Baekhyun about the update of his relationship status. He knew how his friend felt about Yixing’s group in general; Kyungsoo had heard all too many warnings and complaints against them. Knowing this, he decided to let the topic go unspoken for now. He didn’t want to upset his friend, and he had really only been dating Jongin for a day. There was no rush to confess it. “I’m going to have a nap as soon as I get back to my room.”

Baekhyun nodded in approval at this, dropping his mom facade in favour of talking about how he had spent the remainder of the weekend with Chanyeol after they had returned from the party. Kyungsoo let him ramble for only a few moments before realizing which direction the story was going, swatting him away with his hand while repulsion contorted his features. Baekhyun frowned at his brush off; never having understood why Kyungsoo didn’t enjoy stories of his bedroom activities. 

“I heard you were with Jongin at the party.” He began, a wry smile taking over his face. Baekhyun did not approve of this rumor of course, but he was slightly miffed at Kyungsoo’s earlier dismissal, and wanted to see if he could pay him back with discomfort. It was never a hard thing to do. “Did you guys have sex, or what?”

Kyungsoo choked, his pencil clattering to the floor while he stared wide eyed at his friend. “No we certainly did not! I just met him, Baek. That would be like… having sex on the first date.”

“Chanyeol and I had sex on the first date.” Baekhyun countered nonchalantly, as if it was a common occurrence. Kyungsoo snorted at this, retrieving his pencil while rolling his eyes. He didn’t mention the part about how he had asked Jongin to sleep with him, or the make out session that had ensued. It was, Kyungsoo resolved, information on a need to know basis, and Baekhyun certainly did not need to know.

“Yeah, well you two aren’t exactly the best model to go off of.” Kyungsoo muttered, the statement rewarded with a ball of paper thrown at the back of his head; Baekhyun feigning offense though not denying that Kyungsoo was right. If anything, Baekhyun was proud of his openness. He and Chanyeol often played games of who they could get to blush harder between Kyungsoo and Minseok. The game usually ended in yelling and pillows thrown at their faces while Minseok just sat in blank horror at what he had just heard, red up to his ears. 

Kyungsoo’s eyes watched the clock tick, counting down the seconds until the end of class. He couldn’t focus at all, tapping his pencil then his foot, eyes wandering around the classroom absentmindedly. Was this what it was like to be in love? Jongin had become the sun around which his universe orbited, pulling him in just enough to keep him in freefall. It felt like such a short time ago that Kyungsoo had first laid eyes on the boy, though his calendar said it had already been two months. He sighed, leaning forward to rest his head on his desk. It had only been two months, and Kyungsoo was already so lost between the waves in the ocean that was Jongin.

The moment the bell rang, Kyungsoo leapt out of his seat, barely remembering to grab his books before rushing out the door. He wasn’t sure why he was so eager to get home; he just knew anywhere would be better than sitting in a silent classroom at the mercy of his own thoughts. He gave a confused Baekhyun an apologetic look before slipped out, managing to dash through the halls before the rush of students would slow his pace. Already there were a few stragglers, though they all seemed so lost in their whispers that they didn’t even spare Kyungsoo a glance. It was odd. There were always people having conversations off to the side, but today seemed to have an excited air, giggles and quiet squeals following Kyungsoo down the hallway. 

He soon found the reason for all the hype leaning casually against a tree, indifferent to the whispers and stares directed his way. Kyungsoo’s face brightened into a smile at seeing him, though a part of him was worried. It was forbidden to have unregistered visitors on campus, meaning Jongin could get into serious trouble just for loitering. A school as high end Yeobo didn’t play around with security. Not that Jongin cared of course; he had surely been on campus countless times before with Yixing. If not for Yixing’s class being on the other side of the campus, it would have been easy to assume that Jongin was waiting for him rather Kyungsoo. It was almost weird seeing him alone; having such a close association with the rowdy group that he called family meant he rarely saw them separated, save for Yixing. Still, seeing Jongin grin when his eyes fell onto him made Kyungsoo’s heart pound in a way that he sure wasn’t healthy. He could see Jongin’s lips form around his name even though he was too far away to hear the word roll off his tongue. 

Kyungsoo was half certain his trembling legs wouldn’t make it all the way to Jongin, but somehow he managed to complete step after step until their bodies were close enough to reach out and touch one another. Kyungsoo was all too aware of the wide eyed stares set upon the two of them, and he squirmed under the weight of the many gazes. Before he could even manage a weak hello Jongin stepped forward, engulfing him in a warm embrace. He pulled back just enough to stare lovingly into Kyungsoo’s eyes, inching his face closer until Kyungsoo recoiled from the hug, flushed. 

“Jongin!” he hissed, glancing around madly to see if anyone had seen the attempted kiss. They, of course, had. “You- you can’t kiss me in front of all these people.”

“Why not?” Jongin pouted, eyebrows furrowing together in mock hurt, “We’re dating, right? As in, you’re my boyfriend. As in, I get to kiss you. I’ve already waited so long.” He began to stamp his feet like a child, making grabby hands at Kyungsoo, who just scoffed and looked away though his impartial facade was ruined by the smile that tugged at the corner of his lips.

“It’s been a day.” He retorted, shaking his head at his boyfriend’s act. “Besides, I don’t like PDA. It’s… gross. I’ve seen enough from Baekhyun and Chanyeol to last me a life time, trust me.”

Kyungsoo tried not to simper as Jongin’s pout deepened, cursing his cuteness. “Fine.” Jongin huffed, sensing he wasn’t going to get anywhere once Kyungsoo was set on a decision. “But I get to at least hold your hand.” At this, he did hold out his hand, which Kyungsoo took hesitantly after a moment of consideration. “And hold your books.” He continued, grabbing them and hugging them to his body before Kyungsoo could protest. Stares followed their movements; some tinged with bitter envy and others blank astonishment.

“This is so cheesy. I can already feel my arteries clogging.” Kyungsoo jeered, relishing in the w ay his hand felt in Jongin’s. Jongin held onto him tightly as if he was the one who was nervous, glancing at Kyungsoo every couple seconds as they walked, hand in hand, back to Kyungsoo’s dorm.

“You know you could get into huge trouble for being here right? As could I.” Kyungsoo stated once they had gotten back to his room, fingers now comfortable entering the code on his door and moving on their own will. The words came out calm, thankfully. He didn’t want to admit how he had glanced around every few seconds, watching for teachers. He pushed the door open and pulled Jongin inside, retrieving his books and discarding them onto the counter, “So help me god, Jongin, if I lose my scholarship because of you…”

Kyungsoo’s threat couldn’t be finished- though he didn’t actually know what he could threaten Jongin with- because suddenly his breath was knocked out of him as his back crashed against the door. He could feel Jongin’s hands gliding over his shirt and jeans, coming up to tug lightly on his hair. Jongin had his eyes squeezed shut, panting slightly through parted lips. He lowered his face until his forehead rested against Kyungsoo’s, breathing in deeply to calm his trembling hands. Kyungsoo thought he looked absolutely beautiful like this.

“Now can I kiss you?” he whispered, holding Kyungsoo’s face lightly as if a rough touch would shatter him. Kyungsoo sure felt like he was cracking; composure bursting at the seams to reveal a raging desire hidden within. It was easy to resist Jongin in public; the judging eyes of his peers and the possibility of exposure to the administrators enough to hold his thoughts together. Now, however, with Jongin hovering over him and no one else around, it was harder. It was all he could do to nod; knowing any attempt at speech would come out sounding horrid. Jongin felt rather than saw the nod, but it was enough, and he crashed his lips onto Kyungsoo’s, hands fisting in his shirt. His lips moved gently but eagerly, and soon enough they were both gasping for breath. Jongin’s mouth moved down to pepper kisses along his law and neck, arm snaking around his waist to pull their bodies closer until they were flush with one another as his fingertips pressed bruises into Kyungsoo’s hips.

Kyungsoo gasped into Jongin’s open mouth with every touch, reveling in the way it felt to be pressed up against his build frame. It was different from when Jongin held him in sleep; this was hungry and raw and full of a passion that ignited the flames burning within Kyungsoo’s chest. It was too much at the same time that it was not enough, and Kyungsoo wondered how he had ever felt whole before Jongin. Maybe he hadn’t, and had just not noticed the missing of something that had never been there. It was suddenly no longer enough to have Jongin exist only in his dreams. Kyungsoo needed to see him, feel him, to breathe him. He wanted to memorize the curves of his body, to kiss and touch and love every inch until he knew just how cherished he was. 

“Can I stay the night?” Jongin breathed into Kyungsoo’s neck, hands stilling with shyness. Kyungsoo knew he should reject the proposal, knew that they were digging their own graves should they be caught, but he simply couldn’t say no when Jongin was trembling so delicately; hands skimming uncertainly up and down his arms. 

“Yes.” He murmured back, pressing his face into Jongin’s chest as they maneuvered their way towards Kyungsoo’s bed, forgoing pajamas and simply stripping each other of their sweaters and shirts; after all, it was nothing either of them hadn’t seen before. They fell as one onto the springy mattress, wiggling under the sheets before Jongin had his arms around Kyungsoo once more, pulling him back against his chest. Kyungsoo sank into the space made by the outline of his frame, stilling in the combined warmth that their bodies made. It was still early, but the previous late night had exhausted them, and Kyungsoo supposed that this meant he technically he hadn’t been lying when he told Baekhyun he was going to have a nap.

Jongin let Kyungsoo slip into unconsciousness, knowing that he still had to wake up for the coming school day. He was just happy to have him in his embrace once more; the steady breaths a lullaby no song could ever compare to. Jongin could listen to the gentle sounds he made while he slept forever; a symphony of life in the key of Kyungsoo. It was an ancient harmony, sung by the trees and mountains and oceans long before Jongin had the privilege of existing at the same time as the one he held so dearly in his arms. He let the hours slip by, bouncing from playing on his phone to simply staring at Kyungsoo’s face, until the light behind the curtains faded and his eyes begged to be shut. His hands once more sought out the steadying thrum of his heart, following its pulse into the velvety curtain of sleep. 

~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo awoke the next morning to the sound of a banging on his dorm rather than his alarm clock, and it took all his willpower to pry himself from Jongin’s arms, stumbling over to the door without bothering putting on a shirt. A quick glance at his clock told him he still could have had another forty five minutes of sleeping in Jongin’s warm embrace, and whoever decided to pull him from that heaven could deal with his half nakedness. By now, the loud knocking had roused Jongin, and he sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. His hair was a darling mess; face puffy as drool threatened to drip from the corner of his mouth. The view sent a warm pang of affection through Kyungsoo, and it gave him the strength to face the someone on the other side of the door. 

He shouldn’t have been surprised when that someone decided to be Baekhyun. He looked like he had been up for hours already, which wasn’t surprising considering he was someone who usually found joy in early mornings though his face was contorted with annoyance today. 

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo started, wedging himself in the crack of the door to prevent Baekhyun from looking into his room, “What are you-”

“Tell me the rumors aren’t true. Tell me you are not dating Kim fucking Jongin.” Baekhyun cut him off, arms folded crossly. Kyungsoo didn’t reply, his mouth agape though no words came out. At his stunned silence, Baekhyun rolled his eyes, pushing passed Kyungsoo into the room. He was about to say more when he froze, jaw dropping as he locked eyes with Kyungsoo’s houseguest, still undressed and sitting in the nest of blankets piled onto Kyungsoo’s bed. Baekhyun’s mouth worked open and closed as his eyes widened, trying to find his voice though it was clear he was having a lot of difficulty. Taking this as his cue to leave, Jongin jumped out of bed, slipping into his clothes before sliding passed Baekhyun. He planted a chaste kiss against Kyungsoo’s cheek as a wish for good luck, smiling sympathetically before closing the door with a soft shush. Even though it left him with Baekhyun all alone, Kyungsoo was grateful for Jongin leaving, knowing this was a subject better discussed in privacy. Jongin couldn’t have missed the disdain in Baekhyun’s voice when he said his name, so it was a small mercy that he had left without a fuss, choosing Kyungsoo’s happiness over snapping back. Baekhyun watched this with a disbelieving face, looking slightly pale.

“Baekhyun” Kyungsoo tried again weakly, voice cautious. “Please don’t freak out.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greeeeaaat news! i finished my next fic (the incubus one) and I am super excited to post it. It's four chapters long, so its shorter than this one, but I'm in love with it all the same.

Baekhyun sat on the edge of Kyungsoo’s bed stiffly, as if revolted by the mere idea of being where Jongin had previously laid. Both his arms and legs were crossed, and he was glaring daggers at Kyungsoo, who refused to look at him. Kyungsoo sat on the floor in front of him, both sharing a moment of silence as he tried to organize the swirling mass of his thoughts into words. It had taken five minutes of yelling, seven threats and one “Baekhyun _please_ just let me explain” before Kyungsoo could even settle him to this state, and even now his jaw was set as he fumed silently.

“We didn’t have sex, Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo promised, seeing only a small flicker of relief pass through his friend’s eyes before they glassed over once more in anger, “We just made out. Then he asked to stay, and I said yes. That’s it, I promise you. It’s no big deal.”

“No big deal?” Baekhyun hissed, eyes narrowing. Kyungsoo flinched at his harsh tone, though he knew Baekhyun was perfectly justified in his irritation. “I had to find out you were dating him from Minseok, and he had only found out from Yixing. It seems everyone in this damn school knew before I did. I thought it was just a rumor. I thought they were all lying, and then I walk in and he’s in your _bed_? Practically naked, no less! Kyungsoo, how could you?”

Kyungsoo looked away from his gaze then, letting the words sink deep. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, lip trembling. Baekhyun, despite his frustration, softened at the sight, coming down to kneel on the floor with Kyungsoo. He gently laced their fingers together, concern setting his lips into a grim line.

“Kyungsoo, look at me,” Baekhyun commanded gently, waiting until his request was filled before continuing, “I’m not mad.” He frowned, pausing to consider his words for a moment, “I mean, I’m mad, but I’m not mad at _you_. I’m happy you found someone, trust me, I’m just… not happy that it’s Jongin., and I’m not happy that you felt you couldn’t come to me to tell me yourself you got together with him. If anything I’m worried about you; you know how dangerous people say he is. I’ve told you countless times not to get involved with that group, you and Minseok both. Do either of you listen? Of course not. I shouldn’t even be surprised; you act like Minseok just as much as you look like him, you know. I care about you, Kyungsoo. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Lowering his gaze to their entwined fingers, Kyungsoo’s grip tightened, needing to hold something to ground himself. Had he been in a lighter mood, he would have protested that he didn’t look like Minseok. It was an ongoing argument they had; Baekhyun insisting that the two of them looked similar and Kyungsoo failing to see it. To him, Minseok looked like a dumpling; his face soft despite his sharp features. He couldn’t see himself as similar, not with his doe eyes and small, round mouth. Even their hair was different; Minseok teasing the chestnut locks into soft spikes. Kyungsoo was always too lazy to bother with styling, and let his dark hair fall over his face wherever it wanted to. 

As it was, Kyungsoo was having a hard time getting out speech at all, his voice sticking in his throat, and he hoped Baekhyun could sense his appreciation. He felt like he didn’t deserve someone so understanding, and it was moments like that that made him truly appreciate his loyalty. The wistful moment didn’t last long, however, and soon Baekhyun was hauling Kyungsoo to his feet, gripping him in a tight hug before shoving him in the direction of the bathroom. “Go have a shower. I want to get breakfast before we head to class, and you look like trash at the moment.”

Kyungsoo laughed at this, pausing before shutting the door to look longingly through the crack. “Baekhyun, do you believe in love at first sight?” he questioned, voice soft. He looked like he was teetering on the edge of brokenness; one push could send him tumbling into onto jagged rocks below.

Baekhyun stared at him a moment, face unreadable before softening into a smile, “Of course.” He retorted, “I happen to be a victim of it.”

Both his friend’s response and the meaning it held behind it sent relief washing over Kyungsoo. He wanted desperately for him to approve of his relationship; Baekhyun was just as big of a part of Kyungsoo’s life as Jongin was. Even if they didn’t like each other, both had proved they were capable of compromise, for Kyungsoo’s sake. He felt like he could understand Baekhyun’s relationship with Chanyeol better now, after experience such a thing himself, and wondered how he had ever scoffed at their intimacy. A little spark of hope kindled within him. He could have Baekhyun and Jongin in his life. He didn’t have to choose between the two. There would be bumps along the road, Kyungsoo knew, but he didn’t care. He would deal with them when he came to them.

~ ~ ~

It was only a week and a half later that Kyungsoo found himself in Minseok’s room, sitting on the couch with Yixing. The early afternoon light snuck through the gaps of the heavy curtains hung above the window, and they would have still been in school had it not been one of the early dismissal days peppered throughout the year. He hadn’t heard from Jongin at all; he didn’t respond to texts, nor did he pick up the phone when Kyungsoo called. Yixing knew Kyungsoo must have been desperate to come to him for help; ever since Minseok had revealed that they were dating, Kyungsoo had had a sort of distant bitterness towards him, hypocritical as it was. 

“He’s busy, Kyungsoo.” Yixing explained, trying to be patient. “Even I barely see him nowadays. He’s in charge of a lot of people and a lot of things and he has a lot going on at work all the time. This isn’t something you can slack with. Try to understand.”

“How can I understand?” Kyungsoo growled, frustrated and hurt, “How can I, when nobody tells me anything? Baek’s not even mad anymore, so if that’s what’s keeping him away, you can tell him it’s unnecessary. I’m worried about him, Yixing. It’s not normal to just disappear for days without a single call or text.”

Yixing, much to Kyungsoo’s surprise, laughed at this, patting his arm fondly. “It’s normal for him, Kyungsoo. He did it before he met you, and he does it after he met you as well. It’s just something you have to put up with. Everyone does. It’s what keeps the group running.” 

Still angry, but at least content knowing it wasn’t personal, Kyungsoo sighed and rose from the couch, going to the door without waiting for Yixing to follow. He didn’t want to talk to anyone when he was in such a foul mood, knowing that he was likely to say something he would later regret. Still, there had been something eating at him for the past while, and Kyungsoo felt now more than ever that he needed to know the truth. He paused at the threshold, door hanging ajar in his hand. “Yixing,” he breathed, closing his eyes in preparation for both what he was about to ask and whatever answer he would receive. “Are the rumors true? Are you guys really… in a gang?”

Yixing froze, eyes widening in shock before narrowing into a scowl. It took a few seconds for him to reply, but the silence spoke louder than the words that followed. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to, Kyungsoo.” He snapped, his gaze hardening before he turned away. Kyungsoo simply stared at him a moment longer before shutting Yixing’s door silently. He let his fingers tremble as he opened his own, swallowing down the tears that threatened to spill over his eyes. 

A while later, a timid knock sounded from his door. Kyungsoo lifted his head to peek at it from the burrow he had made beneath all of his blankets. He sniffled, staring ahead with puffy red eyes while he heard the code to his door being entered. Kyungsoo anticipated it must have been Minseok; he was the only other that knew the password. True to his prediction, the door swung open to reveal his shy friend standing on the edge of the threshold. Minseok inched in, closing the door slowly as not to disturb the sorrowful silence that had settled over the dorm. Coming to the bed, he wrapped his arms tightly around the bundle of blankets that housed Kyungsoo.

“Yixing called me” was his greeting, feeling Kyungsoo shaking gently within his hug. “Are you ok?’

Kyungsoo just shook his head, not fully understanding himself why it hurt so much, “I’m just worried about him, Minseok. Him and us. At first I was upset that he wasn’t returning my calls, but Yixing just said that’s how he is, and I could never hate anything he is.”

Minseok nodded his head, though he still felt in the dark as to what had caused such a reaction in his friend. “Then why are you upset? I mean, you have every right to be for the not returning calls thing, but I can tell there is something else.”

Kyungsoo nodded solemnly at this, waiting until his voice felt a little more even before continuing, “I… I think what everyone says is true. About them being in a gang, I mean. I had suspected it before, but after talking to Yixing about it, I realized I can’t stay in denial forever. What am I going to do? I’m supposed to be protecting the law, not in a relationship with someone who breaks it.”

With these words, Minseok understood what was truly bothering his friend. Kyungsoo had always held himself to such a high standard; had his future set in stone upon which he built his entire life around. He should have suspected some recoil from Jongin coming into Kyungsoo’s life; a temptation too powerful to resist even though he was the embodiment of everything Kyungsoo stood against. “Kyungsoo…” he murmured, pressing his lips to what he assumed was his head under the blankets, “don’t be mad at yourself for caring. Jongin is Jongin, and you are you. What he does has nothing to do with you. You are not guilty by association.” He wrapped his arms tighter around the blankets, crushing his friend to his chest as he spoke words that shattered the last of Kyungsoo’s resolve, “You are allowed to love him.”

After Kyungsoo’s sobs faded out, he peeked out of his hideaway to look at Minseok, tear tracks staining his splotchy face, “How do you do it?” he whispered, leaning to rest his head against Minseok’s shoulder.

Minseok patted his head, chest tightening. “I think it’s different for me and Yixing. He is here all the time and I don’t care about morals the way you do. He makes me happy, and that’s enough. For you and Jongin, I think it is something you two will have to work at. I can tell how you feel about him. I know you are willing to fight for him, and believe me when I say the feeling is mutual. Yixing tells me how much he talks about you to the group. I’m pretty sure everyone is getting tired of hearing your name. Dating him doesn’t make you any worse of a person, Kyungsoo; it just means that you will have to be careful.”

Kyungsoo nodded, wiggling so he was snuggled in Minseok’s lap. Once again his friends managed to piece him back together when he felt broken, and it was something he would never stop being grateful for. 

“Do you want me to call him?” Minseok murmured after a while of sitting pressed against one another, “I’ll use Yixing’s phone, and if he still doesn’t answer, I can leave a message.” Kyungsoo considered it for a second before humming in approval. It couldn’t hurt, and it was better than doing nothing. Maybe having someone other than Kyungsoo reach out would be more effective at letting Jongin know just how much he was missing him. Minseok shifted, laying Kyungsoo back down on the bed so he could stand up. “I’ll call him.”

~ ~ ~

The sun shone loudly through Kyungsoo’s window, preventing sleep, but as the afternoon wore on he felt more rested; having been lying in bed since he returned from Minseok’s room. Tired of being pitiful and unproductive, he slipped out of bed to make a cup of coffee and start on his homework. Jongin or not, he had grades to keep up. By the time the clock read 4:30 Kyungsoo was finishing up the assigned work, half listening to what seemed to be bickering outside his door. He finally gave in to his curiosity when the sound of the voices rose, and he could swear he could recognize the angry yelling. Pulling open the door, he stared in shock at the small group that had gathered in his hallway. Jongin was there, and Kyungsoo would have melted at the sight if not for the presence of Baekhyun, rage contorting his features into something almost frightening. So it had been him that was doing the yelling. Kyungsoo should have known, having heard it so often. Chanyeol was there as well, thankfully, and seemed to be holding Baekhyun back from Jongin, who had a composed look on his face though Kyungsoo could feel the fury rolling off of him, his muscles flexing beneath his shirt. It was pretty brave of Baekhyun, Kyungsoo noted. He knew how wary he had been of Kyungsoo dating Jongin in the first place, and had always nagged him to stay away from the group in general. Baekhyun, like most people in the school, was scared of them, and he had every right to be, so it was quite a sight to see him looking ready to fight the taller male should Chanyeol let go of his arms. Yixing was there with Minseok, speaking quietly to Jongin as if trying to calm him down. He didn’t touch him, but whatever he was muttering into his ear must have been working, since Baekhyun looked unharmed. 

“What’s going on here?” Kyungsoo demanded, utterly lost. He never expected to see all of his friends gathered together in front of his door, and certainly not seconds from ripping each other to bits. His voice, however, seemed to ease some of the tension, and everyone’s gaze snapped towards him. Minseok almost looked relieved to have his presence. 

“Kyungsoo” Jongin breathed, stepping forward to envelope him a hug. Baekhyun muttered something indistinguishable to Kyungsoo, though Yixing heard it and shot him a warning look. Jongin kept hugging him; hands grasping the material of his shirt like no force on earth could rip him away. “I’m so sorry.” 

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for – at the moment there were multiple things he could have been talking about – but Kyungsoo accepted it with a nod, looking around the group for some sort of explanation. 

“Baekhyun came to see how you were doing,” Minseok began, stepping up to the plate to ease the bewilderment in Kyungsoo’s eyes, “but by that point, Jongin had gotten my message and was talking out here with Yixing and I.” he shrugged, and Kyungsoo could easily fill in the gaps that lead up to this moment. At least Baekhyun looked calmer now. His want for Kyungsoo to be happy always muted his dislike for Jongin, which meant he tolerated his presence when Kyungsoo was around. Even now Baekhyun noticed how he looked more alive than he did all week, now that Jongin was with him once more. Sighing deeply, he gave Kyungsoo’s hand a tight squeeze before making his leave, Chanyeol right behind him. It was what Kyungsoo loved about Baekhyun. Even when he was angry, he knew when to ease off. He would be back later surely, after Kyungsoo had had some alone time with Jongin to talk. Minseok also seemed to sense this, pulling Yixing by the arm back into their room, leaving the two of them in the empty hallway. 

Gathering his strength, Kyungsoo opened the door wider, a silent invitation to enter. “I want to talk.” Jongin just nodded grimly, entering to sit slightly tensely on Kyungsoo’s bed. 

“I know you’re upset Kyungsoo; Minseok told me. You deserve to be. It was selfish of me to be away without contact, no matter how busy I was. I’m just so used to it not being a big deal, not having to worry about others.” Jongin’s voice sounded crushed as he spoke, and Kyungsoo found it increasingly hard not to go to his side. Jongin hung his head, speaking to his hands that lay palm up on his lap rather than watch the hurt bloom across Kyungsoo’s features, “I’m sorry, truly I am. This…” Jongin let out a deep sigh, “This is my first relationship like this. I wasn’t considerate. I was-”

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo interrupted, voice firm, “Shut up. I forgive you. I’m still mad, but I forgive you.” Kyungsoo walked over, sinking onto the mattress before leaning his head against Jongin’s trembling shoulder. “I won’t ask you not to disappear again. I know that you can be busy. Just please. Please at least reply to my texts or something so I know you’re still alive.”

Jongin tensed at his words, hands grasping onto Kyungsoo’s tightly. “I don’t want to lose you.” He breathed, shifting closer. Kyungsoo ghosted his lips across Jongin’s cheek, a silent affirmation that he wasn’t going anywhere. “Can I take you into the city?” Jongin suggested after a few minutes of silence. “I want to make it up to you, and we haven’t been together.”

Kyungsoo eyes the clock, mouth twisting in apprehension, “Right now?” he questioned. Jongin nodded eagerly, sensing the willingness hidden in his voice. “Well, I mean I suppose we could, as long as I’m back before midnight. The gates will lock me out, remember?”

Jongin grinned broadly, pulling Kyungsoo to his feet as he laughed. “I’ll do my best.”

~ ~ ~

The bus ride into the city was silent between them, but they needed no words to enjoy each other’s company. Kyungsoo stared at Jongin the entire time, marveling at the perfect face he had so missed. The afternoon sun cast an orange light against his bronzed skin; the cold wind tousling his hair through cracks in the window. Kyungsoo swore the definition of perfection was written in the lines of his features; too transcendent for him to put into words. It was a language of beauty that he couldn’t dare translate, and Kyungsoo settled to just feeling it rather than understanding; letting the warmth blossom from his chest. The ride seemed too short, and Kyungsoo frowned lightly when they reached their stop deep within the labyrinth of skyscrapers. 

Though they had set no plans for their trip, Kyungsoo found them meandering down a familiar street, and he soon recognized the ice cream shop he had visited all those weeks ago. His smiled fondly at the memory as they walked past, his hand instinctively tightening around Jongin’s. He felt like such a different person than he had been back then; it was almost hard to recognize himself. November was half over, the chill of the fast approaching winter settling into his bones. 

Jongin, seeing his boyfriend shiver and huddle closer, chose a store at random to look around in, if only to escape the cold for a few minutes. It was easier to be with Jongin off of the campus grounds; there were less staring students and no chance of getting caught sneaking around campus with someone who wasn’t allowed there. As the two of them wandered through the many piles of clothes, all of which were too expensive for Kyungsoo’s taste, Jongin poked around eagerly, sneaking glances back every once in a while. At last, he held up a button up shirt for Kyungsoo to see, proudly shoving it in his direction. It was a nice shirt; Kyungsoo could tell the maroon fabric was soft even from the few feet he was standing away from it. 

“I’m buying this for you.” Jongin announced, trying to hold it against Kyungsoo’s reluctant body. Kyungsoo shook his head hastily and pushed it away, frowning. 

“No you’re not. I don’t want you to buy me presents. I don’t have anything to give in return.” Kyungsoo explained, taking the shirt from Jongin and folding it neatly before replacing it on the shelf. Jongin pouted, reaching for it again before Kyungsoo smacked his hand away.

“I don’t want anything in return. Having you is enough of a gift itself.” Using his greater height to his advantage, he reached over Kyungsoo’s head, pulling an identical shirt from a higher shelf. Kyungsoo was about to protest when Jongin held a finger to his lips, effectively shushing him, “Let’s count it as me paying you back for being a bad boyfriend, okay? Please?”

Kyungsoo huffed but said nothing more, Jongin grinning at his surrender before planting a quick kiss on his cheek. The act had Kyungsoo blushing and looking around madly, checking to see if the few people who were in the store with them had noticed. Luckily nobody was paying them any mind, but Kyungsoo still hit Jongin’s chest lightly in annoyance to which Jongin shrugged.

“Why should you care what other people think?” he questioned after he had paid for the shirt and they returned into the brisk twilight, slinging am arm lazily around Kyungsoo’s shoulders, “I don’t.”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes at this, though he melted into the touch. “Not everyone can be as confident as you.” He retorted, though his voice held no malice. They were making their way slowly back to the bus stop, Kyungsoo becoming increasingly worried as the evening slipped into night. He hadn’t realized how far they had come together until they had to walk back; it seemed like an eternity before they found themselves back at the stop, waiting for the bus to come. Jongin frowned, stepping back to look at Kyungsoo with disapproval pulling the corners of his mouth into a frown.

“Kyungsoo, do you even realize how amazing you are?” he accused, voice soft, “I’ve never met someone as kind and utterly beautiful as you.” Kyungsoo blushed, speechless at the sudden confession, but Jongin continued, determined to make him see how much he was loved, “You deserve so much more than you’re given, but I’ve never once heard you complain about it . And I know I haven’t known you for long, but from the moment I saw you I knew I would end up not being able to live without you.”

Kyungsoo reached out to link their fingers together lightly between them. His mouth was slightly open, eyebrows furrowing as he failed to create words. The sight was irresistible, and Jongin leaned in; pulling Kyungsoo into a kiss that boiled away the cold. There was nobody to see them in the velvety darkness, so Kyungsoo allowed himself to soften into the embrace; numb fingertips carding through Jongin’s hair. Soon enough he was shivering for a reason other than the cold, pulling away as the headlights of the bus illuminated the darkness. They boarded hurriedly, Kyungsoo all too aware of the time slipping by. By the time they arrived at Kyungsoo’s stop, he was nearly bouncing in his seat, leaping from the bus to rush towards the school. 

What he found when he arrived made his heart sink, and he closed his eyes before taking a deep breath.

“Jongin, what time is it?” he croaked, sinking to the ground in defeat. He heard the rustling of clothes as Jongin pulled his phone out of his pocket; a soft click could be heard before the screen lit up.

“12:27” was the reply, Jongin trudging forward to rap his knuckles against the enormous gates; the sound echoing across the empty courtyard. “Looks like we’re locked out.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is... fluffy. It made me laugh while editing it, so hopefully you guys will like it too~

Kyungsoo banged his head against the ground, staring hopelessly up at the sky while Jongin paced around him.

“It’s not that bad,” Jongin explained, already trying to come up with a plan. He didn’t like seeing Kyungsoo so anxious. His eyes flicked back and forth from his boyfriend and the gates, eying their height with curiosity. “I’ll just lift you over.”

The only response was another thump as Kyungsoo let his head fall back onto the grass. Both the gates and brick fence that circled the school’s campus were ten feet tall; even if Jongin had the strength to lift him over his head, it still would not be high enough. 

“Not here, Kyungsoo.” Jongin clarified, shaking his head while pointing further along the fence, “Over there. One of the smaller gates has holes in the bricks that you can use to climb if I lift you up a bit.” He padded over, standing over Kyungsoo and offering his hand, “Besides, it’s better than sitting here and doing nothing.”

Though it didn’t seem like a very good idea, Kyungsoo had to agree that not trying wouldn’t accomplish anything. Jongin seemed confident in his plan, and Kyungsoo assumed he must have snuck in before to see Yixing. Kyungsoo grabbed a hold of the offered hand, albeit a little grumpily, and let Jongin lead them in the direction that he has gestures towards.

“Should I be worried that you know ways to get in and out of the school?” Kyungsoo mused, his voice teasing, “I feel like this is something I should report to the principal.”

Jongin’s grip on his hand tightened, and his lips forming a pout as they neared their destination. “Don’t do that. How else am I supposed to sneak in to see you?”

The words had Kyungsoo blushing in the darkness, jumbling his mind so that he couldn’t properly form a response. As they neared the closed gate, he wondered how Jongin had found such a sneaky way of getting in. Nestled between the brick walls was a metal gate the size of a door, and through it he could see onto the campus. His eyes wandered up higher, searching for what Jongin had mentioned, before settling on what looked like dark holes in the brick, unnoticeable unless you knew they were there. The ancient stone had crumbled away in these spots, leaving indentations deep enough that Kyungsoo could hold himself up with, though only on the tips of his toes. Even the lowest handhold was taller than both of them, but Jongin seemed to already know that, positioning himself so that Kyungsoo could stand atop his shoulders. Kyungsoo was surprised at the strength he felt as he rose; he didn’t know such a lean body could house so much power. His feet wiggled unsteadily Jongin’s shoulders, hands seeking purchase to against the cool brick. 

“Any day now, Kyungsoo” Jongin grunted from under him, chuckling though his muscles were taught in an effort to keep Kyungsoo steady. At last Kyungsoo’s hands located the gouges in the wall, gripping onto the rough stone. Shoving one foot into a lower pocket, he gave himself one last push off of Jongin’s shoulder, heaving himself upwards so that he could grab hold of the top of the fence with his hand. There was a few terrifying seconds where Kyungsoo thought he wouldn’t be able to hold himself up, and the spike of adrenaline allowed him to drag his body upwards so that he lay stomach down on the cold brick. Looking down, he let Jongin’s approving smile calm his nerves before swinging his legs over the opposite side, disappearing from few as he hung by his fingers off the wall. Taking a rattled breath, he let go, his stomach churning from the second of free fall before his legs hit the ground, giving out so that he landed on his back.

“Kyungsoo? Are you alright? That didn’t sound good.” Jongin’s worried voice came from the gate where he was pressed up against, trying to get a look at what had happened.

Slowly getting to his feet, Kyungsoo brushed off the dirt and grass clinging to his shirt before making his way over to Jongin. “All good.” He grinned, his fingers slipping in between the ones reaching through the spaces in the metal bars. He felt a mixture of bravery and shame; proud of being able to scale the wall, but knowing that it was against the rules. Any guilt, however, dissipated the moment he saw the admiration in Jongin’s eyes, leaning forward to peck a light kiss on his nose before turning away. “I better get inside. I still have to wake up tomorrow.” 

He was halted with a tug on his wrist. “Kyungsoo, wait” Jongin hissed, one hand fiddling with the hem of his shirt. His gaze fell slightly to rest on Kyungsoo’s lips rather than eyes, and he took a small breath before continuing. “Would you want to… you know… spend Christmas with me? It will be our first as a couple, so I thought we should celebrate it together. I don’t really do anything anyways, but it would still be nice. I have to go away again for a little while, so I wanted to ask you now, but if it’s too sudden I can-”

“Jongin, you’re rambling.” Kyungsoo observed, his voice kind. “I’d love to spend Christmas with you, even if we don’t do anything.” His smile faltered as his brain processed the rest of the sentence, brows furrowing in puzzlement, “You’re leaving? Again?” he could see the look of guilt cross Jongin’s face, letting his hand fall away from the other’s.

“Yeah,” he admitted, shifting his weight under Kyungsoo’s hurt stare. “It’s a business trip, of sorts. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but I promise I’ll be back for Christmas. I was going to tell you earlier, but I didn’t want to spoil the fun time we were having. I’ll be better this time, I promise. I won’t be able to respond all the time, but I’ll text you at least once a day.”

Kyungsoo let out a deep sigh, but nodded his head to Jongin’s words. After the conversation with Yixing confirming his suspicions, he would be at least grateful for the reassurance that Jongin hadn’t gotten into trouble that was greater than he could handle. Though it hurt a little that Jongin still didn’t trust him enough to tell him the truth, Kyungsoo decided to leave that topic for another day. They could talk about it when Jongin got back. If he got back. The idea made his eyes water, and he swallowed thickly, glad Jongin couldn’t see him clearly in the darkness. 

“Okay.” Kyungsoo breathed, not trusting his voice to come out even, “I guess I’ll see you when you get back. Be safe.” He didn’t wait for Jongin’s response, simply walking away without a second glance over his shoulder. He was slightly angry and knew that he might say something regrettable if he stayed. His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he fished it out to reveal a text from Jongin that read ‘goodnight. Study hard. I will be back before you know it.’

~ ~ ~

True to his word, Jongin texted Kyungsoo every day. Whether it be a simple ‘good night’ or ‘I hope you’re feeling well. I miss you”, Kyungsoo could count on it coming in. He almost looked forward to the simple texts. Jongin still didn’t reply to many his texts or pick up his phone calls, so this one-sided communication was all Kyungsoo had to grasp onto. His friends tried to get his mind off of his missing boyfriend, distracting him with frequent trips into the city or even just simple visits that would often turn into unplanned sleepovers. Everyone was awaiting the day that he returned, seeing how happy Kyungsoo became in his presence. Even Baekhyun was secretly wishing for his swift return, though he would never say it aloud. He almost felt bad about the way he had yelled at Kyungsoo the morning after Jongin left. Kyungsoo had already been in a bad mood, and certainly didn’t need a lecture on ‘you, of all people, should know the rules better than that’ and ‘We thought you would have to spend the night off campus. What you did was stupid and dangerous and- Kyungsoo, are you even listening to me?’

Still, Baekhyun felt he had the right to play the role of parent when it came to Kyungsoo. Minseok was one thing. Anyone could tell how happy he and Yixing made each other; there wasn’t a moment where they were apart. There was always some sort of contact between the two, whether it be holding hands or just a gentle caress of an arm, and Kyungsoo had caught them on more than one occasion tangled together, doing nothing but stare into each other’s eyes. It was why Baekhyun was okay with their relationship. In fact, he had become its number one fan. Kyungsoo, however, was miserable far too often for Baekhyun’s taste. There wasn’t a single person happier than Kyungsoo when Jongin was with him, but it was a two way street, and Baekhyun was constantly worried over whether Kyungsoo was just pretending to be okay in the long days of Jongin’s absence. He knew that if Chanyeol were away for such a time be would feel utterly shattered, especially considering the meager communication the two had set up. 

By the time winter held the campus in its bitter grasp, Kyungsoo was living life on autopilot. Contrary to Baekhyun’s fussing, which he appreciated nevertheless, he felt okay. He was surviving. He did his homework and hung out with friends, determined not to let Jongin presence, or lack thereof, control his life. He was stronger than that, or at least he hoped he was. Jongin still sent him messages, which Kyungsoo replied to, but he no longer tried calling, no longer sent texts throughout the day, knowing they would go unanswered. It was only on Christmas Eve that he searched up the familiar contact name again in his phone, typing out a quick message. Winter break meant that for two whole weeks he wouldn’t have the excuse of homework to occupy the longer hours of the afternoon, and he wasn’t sure if it was his blessing or curse. The lack of school drove many kids home, though some preferred to stay on campus for convenience. Surprising everyone, Yixing had left soon after the last day of school ended, and it had left Minseok a complete mess. Kyungsoo assumed he had gone to join Jongin in whatever ‘business’ venture the group had gotten themselves into, but he knew that it must have been just as horribly hard for Yixing to leave as it had been for Minseok. As he typed, is fingers were steady though his lip trembled, he snuggled closer into the heap of blankets he had piled on his bed to stave off the chilly air that crept through his window even when the curtains were shut and the heater was on. Baekhyun and Chanyeol didn’t often go into the city during the winter, preferring to keep one another warm in the safe keep of their shared dorm. They had, however, invited Kyungsoo to attend a small New Year’s party the following week, and between sessions of ‘keeping warm’ as Baekhyun had put it, he and Kyungsoo texted back and forth about it excitedly. Jongin or not, Kyungsoo was ready to welcome in the new year, celebrating his new school and his new friends. He finished his brief message, setting his phone onto his night stand before burrowing into the covers. His phone screen stayed on a second longer before darkening to join him in slumber, the words shining dimly in the velvety darkness of the winter night.

‘I thought you said you’d be home for Christmas.’

~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo woke to sturdy arms wrapped around his waist, a soft puff of air hitting the back of his neck every few seconds. His heart fluttered at the familiar feel of the embrace, the solid mass pressed against his back making him nearly tear up in relief. Slowly, as to not disturb the other, Kyungsoo turned onto his other side so that he could stare up at the face he had been starved of for nearly a month and a half. 

“Jongin” he breathed, hands making small fists in the others shirt. At his name, Jongin’s eyes fluttered. Kyungsoo had forgotten how much he loved that sight. Sleepy Jongin was one of his favorite Jongin’s. He looked so vulnerable; so soft and gentle. 

“Kyungsoo” was the murmured reply, Jongin pressing him tightly to his chest. “I’ve missed you. I promised I’d be back for Christmas, remember? I wish I could have come back sooner, but I was so busy. I could barely get away for just today.”

Kyungsoo nuzzled his face into the broad chest he was crushed against, closing his eyes and inhaling the scent he had missed so dearly. “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

Jongin pressed a kiss against Kyungsoo’s hair before shifting away, reaching for something out of sight. His hand returned with a small wooden box nestled in its palm. Kyungsoo eyed it cautiously. “Merry Christmas, Soo.” Jongin purred, even though Kyungsoo returned it with a frown.

“I thought I told you I didn’t want to do presents.” He accused, scrunching up his nose. He had made Jongin agree that they would celebrate Christmas without the pressure of buying each other gifts. He should have expected Jongin would go out and do it anyways, despite his protests.

“I know, I know, but I saw it and just had to get it. Besides, you’re the only present I need, so I felt I had to get something in return.” The shy smile Jongin gave Kyungsoo melted away any further arguments on his tongue, so he just sighed and grabbed hold of the box. It was unwrapped, the store name branded onto the front unfamiliar to Kyungsoo. When shaken, the sound of small objects rattling within could be heard. Though he was still slightly annoyed, his curiosity persuaded him to pull off the top to reveal two matching rings inside. Couple rings. Once upon a time the sight would have made Kyungsoo roll his eyes at the cliché of it all, but now he just gasped slightly, murmuring a soft thank you before pulling Jongin into a long awaited kiss. 

“I’m still mad at you for not listening to me” he explained while putting one on, slipping the other over one of Jongin’s fingers, “but these are really pretty so I think I can let you off the hook this time.”

Jongin relaxed at this, a relieved smile etched onto his lips. “So you like them?” he asked, still half expecting Kyungsoo to refuse the gift.

“Even more so, since it’s from you” Kyungsoo assured, leaning over to the place the empty box back on the desk before snuggling back up against Jongin’s warm body. Jongin felt different, if only ever so slightly; his arms a little stronger, stomach a little firmer. Kyungsoo wondered what he had been doing in the weeks away, but didn’t ask, not wanting to ruin the moment. “I don’t know when you have to go back, or when you will return, but do you think you’ll be here for New Year’s? I’m going to a party with Baek and Yeol, and really want you to come.”

Jongin tensed, his nose scrunching up cutely. “I can try” he said, uncertainty lacing his words. His hands roamed Kyungsoo’s back as he talked; a habit Kyungsoo quite enjoyed. Still, his words made Kyungsoo’s heart sink a little, disappointment turning down the corners of his mouth, “but I can’t promise. It really depends on… how everything’s going.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Kyungsoo summoning up what little courage he had. He knew this time was coming, but he still was reluctant to bring it up himself. Still, the sensitive topic was inevitable, whether he liked it or not. “Jongin.” He said, voice firm. The tone made Jongin look down at him with worry, his hands stilling on Kyungsoo’s back. “I know you’re in a gang. You, Yixing; everyone in that group of friends. I didn’t get a scholarship by being naïve.” 

His words came out harsher than he intended, Jongin wincing slightly at the tone. He didn’t respond, so Kyungsoo continued, needing to ease the burden he had been carrying around for weeks. “I’m a little upset that you didn’t tell me yourself. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I want to be someone you can trust.”

Jongin seemed to panic at this, holding Kyungsoo tighter, “It wasn’t because I don’t trust you.” He explained quickly, eyes wide, “I was just… scared. I was scared that you would leave me, especially considering what you want to do after high school. I was scared that you would think I am dangerous, or not trustworthy, or just not good enough for you, which I’m not, but I didn’t want you to know that.”

Kyungsoo laughed, the sound muffled by Jongin’s chest, “I’m not too good for you, and I’m sure as hell not going to leave you. You are really important to me, Jongin. I’m willing to make it work, even if makes me a hypocrite.”

Jongin’s eyes sparkled at his words, and Kyungsoo could swear he looked like he was about to cry. Instead, he shifted their positions so his face was pressed into Kyungsoo’s chest, avoiding having to look him in the eye when he spoke. “We should move in together.”

Kyungsoo choked a little upon hearing his words, looking down at Jongin though all that greeted his gaze was the top of his head. He could see the dark hair growing beneath the blond, and wondered briefly about how often Jongin dyed his hair. “What?” he sputtered, not believing his ears. “Move in? You and me? I’m still in school. You can’t live here, if that’s what you mean. I’d get in trouble.”

Jongin laughed at his panic, finding it endearing. “Not now, Kyungsoo. After you graduate. We could rent an apartment while you go to school. I have money, and you could get a part time job. We could do it. That is, if it’s something you would want to do in the first place.”

Kyungsoo relaxed, breathing a small ‘oh’ before his thoughts resumed their normal pace. Could he and Jongin live together? It was almost embarrassing how much Kyungsoo wanted it. The idea seemed almost like a dream; too good to be true. 

“We could make it work” he agreed slowly, barely having time to breathe before the air was crushed out of him; Jongin’s arms wrapped tightly around his body. He said nothing more, too happy to formulate a coherent response, so Kyungsoo felt rather than heard the many words Jongin wanted to say. And that was ok. Kyungsoo understood. 

After all, he wanted to say them as well.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that we're getting awful close to my favorite chapter  
> its chapter 12  
>  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) await it eagerly

Jongin spent half the day with Kyungsoo before leaving. Kyungsoo missed him the moment he disappeared through the door, but he felt lighter having talked to him. What needed to be said had been said, and both parties ended the conversation happy. The weight of the world seemed just a little lighter with Jongin by his side and in his future, no matter how often he was away. 

With New Year’s fast approaching, Kyungsoo went about his life with a different air. He hung out with Chanyeol and Baekhyun as normal, comforted Minseok when he was missing Yixing, and enjoyed his break as any other student would. Kyungsoo looked and acted so much the same that one would think Jongin had never even come home in the first place, however, his insides were a constant celebration, fireworks booming in his chest as confetti made blizzards behind his eyes. He was happy, so happy, and there was nothing that could take that away from him. 

~ ~ ~

As Kyungsoo found himself once more crushed between bodies of drunken party goers, he kept a constant eye out for Jongin. He knew there was a high chance he wouldn’t end up showing, but Kyungsoo had still hoped he would make an appearance, at least in time for the countdown. He could see people already pairing up as the minutes ticked down, prepping for the kiss they would share as the clock struck zero. Some, like Baekhyun and Chanyeol, had already locked their lips together, and wouldn’t even notice the turning of the year, preferring to be lost in their own world together. Kyungsoo envied them. Minseok had been kind enough to entertain him throughout the evening, but as the midnight drew near, Yixing had wandered over to reclaim his boyfriend, leaving Kyungsoo alone once more. Deciding to keep what little dignity he had left, Kyungsoo left the party early, eventually finding himself snuggled once more in his bed as his laptop played some cheesy drama that he was only half paying attention to. 

He had enjoyed himself for a while, at least. He was feeling slightly tipsy from the few drinks he had accepted, but it wasn’t enough to hide the pain that was festering inside his chest. Jongin didn’t pick up any of the many times he had called, nor had he texted at all that day. Kyungsoo felt like they were starting all over again; a sort of bitter déjà vu. His eyes were locked on the little display in the corner of his screen, waiting for the 11:59 to change into 12:00. As it did, he heard a knock on his door, making him tilt his head in confusion. Most people were out partying, and he didn’t have many friends in the first place, so his mind was blank regarding who it could have been. After sliding out of bed, he shuffled to the door, swinging it open to reveal the bloody, ragged mess that was Jongin leaning against the doorframe.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo whispered, his hand lifting to cover his mouth. He fought down the urge to heave at the state of his boyfriend, who was having trouble even staying on his own two feet. Jongin’s face was covered in blood, though only some of it was his own. His clothes were torn, revealing deep lacerations and holes in his body that oozed blood with every small movement. Some of it had already partly dried into a tacky residue, staining the remains of his shredded clothes. Kyungsoo could see the beginnings of bruises littering his body, some already swelling on his cut up face.

“Kyungsoo” Jongin was all Jongin could choke out, reaching for him before he collapsed to the floor. 

~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo couldn’t remember exactly what happened next; the entire night was one big blur. One moment he was crying on the ground over Jongin, who was completely and utterly unresponsive, the next he was screaming at Yixing over the phone, and finally he found himself alone again, sitting on the carpet with his back against the door, arms wrapped around his trembling body. Tears flowed down his face silently, showing no signs of stopping any time soon. He constantly told himself that Jongin would be ok, that he would soon regain his trademark smirk and pull Kyungsoo into a lasting hug. He had wanted to come with Yixing to the hospital, had begged to even, but Yixing had refused immediately, stating it was a matter that Jongin would insist Kyungsoo remained out of, if he had been conscious. It had made him angry; Kyungsoo was once again being pushed aside because of their involvement with the gang, even after he had discussed the matter with Jongin. He had fumed around his empty dorm for a while, but it was only a matter of time before the anger faded into sorrow, and even that eventually dissolved so that he was left feeling numb, empty. He didn’t open the door when Minseok knocked, or when Baekhyun had banged his fist against it, demanding entrance. Eventually his friends got the cue to leave him alone, and he fell asleep on the floor, slipping into a restless, fretful unconsciousness. He couldn’t escape his misery, not even in his dreams. 

The muffled sound of beeping roused Kyungsoo slightly, and he looked, half awake and confused, around his room. Midday sunlight filtered through the cracks in his blinds, and his fitful sleep had moved his body so that he now lay at the foot of his couch. The sound of a lock clicking turned his head towards the door, which slowly opened to reveal a haggard, weak looking Jongin. The blood had been washed off of his face, and Kyungsoo could see a network of bandages laced over his chest. His eye and lip were still swollen, bruises punctuating his face and arms before leading beneath the worn t-shirt he had on, but he was alive. Kyungsoo felt wave after wave of emotion wash over him; shock, relief, joy, anger. It took him a minute to get his thoughts under control before he spoke, his voice sharp, “Why are you here?”

Jongin looked only slightly surprised at the harshness of his tone, swallowing a couple times before finding his own voice. “I wanted to see you. Kyungsoo, I-”

“Don’t tell me your sorry, Jongin. Don’t you dare.” Kyungsoo’s voice cracked on each word, and his throat burned with the many tears he was holding back, “I don’t even know where to begin with you. You didn’t text. You didn’t pick up your phone. You didn’t even let me know you wouldn’t be coming, and when you finally do, you almost die on me. Hell, you barely look alive right now. How did you even convince the hospital to let you out in this state?”

Jongin smiled weakly, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He could tell that Kyungsoo still cared, even if he was furious now, “I didn’t go to a hospital.”

Kyungsoo’s mouth opened as he realized what Jongin meant, breathing through the small ‘o’ that his lips formed around. Kyungsoo thought himself foolish for even considering it. Of course they wouldn’t have gone to a hospital. The risk of having the police notified was reason enough to stay away, not to mention the many cameras fixed throughout the halls and nurses peeking in every couple of minutes. It was too dangerous. He understood now why Yixing hadn’t let him come with him. Jongin would have been beside himself if Kyungsoo had gotten mixed up with the wrong people because of his injuries. He was barely comfortable with Kyungsoo spending time with the group of friends that often visited. Jongin looked like he had been in good hands at least; a small improvement over the night before. Kyungsoo could set his worry aside, which uncovered the anger and pain underneath. He knew he looked awful; sitting on the floor, hair messed and eyes puffy and red from a night of crying. He couldn’t face Jongin like this, not when he was angry and unshowered; not recovered from the previous night of crying that was threatening to resurface. 

“Get out.” He whispered, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyelids. Jongin looked surprised at the words, eyes widening in disbelief.

“Kyungsoo…” he began, but was cut off harshly before he could even attempt at reasoning.

“Get the fuck out.” Kyungsoo growled, the first few tears sliding down his cheeks. “I… I don’t want to talk to you right now. Please, just leave me alone.” It was a lie, and they both knew it. In reality, he needed Jongin beside him. He needed to be held once more in his warm embrace while his body was wracked with sobs, to have kisses peppered reassuringly along his face and neck, to fall asleep to the steady sound of Jongin’s breathing. Still, Jongin knew he also needed time to calm down; to collect the pieces he had shattered into. It was because of this that he left Kyungsoo, fighting back the urge to go to his slumped form sitting against the couch as he softly shut the door. He himself could feel the beginnings of tears pricking the back of his eyes, and he left swiftly, before he gave in to the urges telling him to go back inside. They both needed time to heal, even if it hurt more than the initial injury. He could at least grace Kyungsoo with that.  
~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo didn’t like being in Minseok’s room. It was nice, set up similarly to his own, but the more times he found himself once more within its walls, the more he realized that he only ever came when something bad had happened, and it was usually Yixing that had to pacify his foul mood. This time, Kyungsoo sat alone on the couch, clutching a pillow to his chest. Yixing was busying himself preparing the meal that he would cook for dinner, and the sound of their conversation was backed by the gentle noise of a knife slicing through vegetables and meat. 

“Why do I feel so guilty if he’s the one at fault?” Kyungsoo asked, pressing his face into the pillow, “I just… I feel like I was too harsh on him. He could barely walk, but he still came to see me, and then I sent him away. I’m scared that he’s mad at me. I haven’t heard from him in weeks, and even if that’s normal, I just feel like it’s because of the way I yelled at him.”

Yixing snorted, scraping the last of the dinner preparations into a container to be dealt with later and wiping down the counter with a cloth. He didn’t even look at Kyungsoo when he spoke, reassurance softening his voice. “Jongin couldn’t be mad at you even if he tried, Kyungsoo. I don’t think you understand how much he likes you.”

Kyungsoo snorted at this, not even gracing the remark with a reply. He had always been somewhat self-conscious when he was with Jongin. Jongin was beautiful and strong and perfect, and Kyungsoo was, well, Kyungsoo. Yixing frowned at his disbelief. “I’m serious. You should see the way he looks at you. He devours you with his eyes, Kyungsoo. I’m surprised there’s anything left for the rest of us to see.”

Kyungsoo peeked up from his pillow, eyebrows raised. “You’re lying” he prompted, secretly wanting to hear more, even if he only half believed it.

“I’m not” Yixing assured, “I’ll videotape you two next time. Not once in all my time of knowing Jongin have I seen him look at anybody else with so much emotion. Not once.” 

Kyungsoo blushed at this slightly, body relaxing in contentment, “So he’s not mad?” 

Yixing shook his head, finalizing any remaining doubt in Kyungsoo, “He’s not mad. He’s just busy. I swear that kid is going places”

The comment had Kyungsoo’s nose scrunching up in disapproval, knowing vaguely what these places entailed. Still, he was curious about Yixing; despite his friendship with Minseok, he had learned little about the quiet male. “Are you going these same places?” he questioned, allowing the crushed pillow to fall from his grasp onto his lap.

Yixing raised his eyebrows at this, considering for a moment whether or not he wanted to answer the question, “I suppose” he admitted at last with a sigh, dragging his fingers through his hair.

“And Minseok’s okay with this?” Kyungsoo had already had this discussion with Minseok, and knew he was fine. He wouldn’t be surprised if Minseok followed Yixing across the earth if he had ever asked. Still, the question made Yixing hesitate, a brief flash of guilt crossing his face.

“Yeah. He’s totally fine with it. It’s me who isn’t” The response took Kyungsoo by surprise, and he leaned forward, trying to coax more light onto the situation. Yixing stared hardly at him for a moment before reluctantly giving in, “I love him, Kyungsoo. I’m not scared to admit it. I would do anything for him, go anywhere, do whatever it takes to keep him safe. And that’s my problem; with me, Minseok isn’t safe. Not now, not ever. If-” Yixing’s voice cracked slightly, and Kyungsoo could see his knuckles whiten as his fists clenched, “If something happened to him because of me, I don’t know what I would do. It would absolutely destroy me. But, at the same time, I could never leave him. I couldn’t do that to him; I couldn’t do that to me. Even if he deserves more than I can give. Even if it puts him in danger.”

As tears began to slip silently down Yixing’s face, Kyungsoo realized two things. The first thing was that this was the first time he had seen him cry. He had seen Baekhyun and Minseok cry plenty of times, and had even once soothed Chanyeol when the stress of the school became too much. Yixing, however, was a first, and it made Kyungsoo see him in a different light, especially considering the source of his tears. The second thing he realized was how hard it must have been for Jongin. He knew Jongin hadn’t approved of him associating with the group, but Kyungsoo hadn’t once thought of the stress it could have put on him. If Jongin cared about him even half as much as Yixing told him he did, then he was surely suffering in silence, caught between Kyungsoo and the only life he’s known. Kyungsoo had known it was dangerous, but he had always considered that his own burden to carry, not even noticing the pain it put Jongin in. He felt absolutely wretched for sending him away. He gathered Yixing in his arms before using one hand to pluck his phone out of his pocket, dialing the number in silence.

“Hello?”

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo breathed, his mood lifted from just the sound of his voice, “Can you come over?”

There was no response for a moment on the other end, and Kyungsoo could hear the faint sound of arguing voices before Jongin spoke again, “I’m on my way.”

Kyungsoo stayed on the couch for a few minutes more before silently slipping away, leaving Yixing, who had dozed off against Kyungsoo’s chest, on the couch for Minseok to find later on. He was jittery with nervousness, even though it was only Jongin that he was waiting to see. It seemed like hours before the telltale knock on his door alerted him to his arrival, and Kyungsoo rushed to the door, throwing it open and leaping into Jongin’s arms. 

Jongin was surprised at the sudden affection, but welcomed it anyways, nuzzling his face into Kyungsoo’s hair. There were no more bandages crisscrossing his torso, replaced with squares of gauze taped securely into place. Only a few bruises still flushed his skin, Kyungsoo could see the remnants of the deeper scratches, and the scars where others previously had been. Jongin was better, but he was not fully healed, wincing slightly when Kyungsoo had run into his embrace. 

“Sorry,” Kyungsoo apologized, stepping back to eye the bandages. It was not a mystery where the injuries came from, and he had never fully seen the extent of the damage done to Jongin’s body.

Jongin reached out a hand, cupping Kyungsoo’s check fondly, “It’s okay,” he assured, pulling him back into a hug while his hand stroked his hair lovingly. Kyungsoo could never resist Jongin’s hugs; they were snug and warm and made him feel like everything in the world was okay. “I’ve missed you so, so much, Kyungsoo.”

With his face pressed against Jongin’s chest, Kyungsoo could only squeak as a reply, indicating that he had longed for the other just as much. He felt starved, relishing in what he had been deprived of for far too long. Kyungsoo pulled back slightly, rising up on his toes to press a hungry kiss against Jongin’s lips. Jongin hummed into the kiss, ignoring the constant throb of his injuries to pull Kyungsoo onto the couch, straddling his waist with his thighs. Kyungsoo looked up at him with nothing but desire in his eyes, hands skimming Jongin’s body ever so lightly for fear of bringing pain to the stitched wounds. Jongin leaned down to recapture his lips once more, one hand cupping his jaw while the other trailed carelessly over Kyungsoo’s body, refusing to settle in one spot. They stayed like this for a while, alternating between gentles kisses and simply staring at one another, Kyungsoo burning the precise features of Jongin’s face into his mind, knowing that he would eventually be without them once more. 

“Kyungsoo…” Jongin purred, his hand slipping beneath the hem of his shirt to tease the soft skin beneath. He nosed along Kyungsoo’s jaw, pressing kisses against his collarbones. Kyungsoo mewled at the gentle touches, forgoing rational thoughts as his eyes fluttered shut, lost in his own halcyon. “Kyungsoo…” Jongin repeated, pressing kiss after kiss against Kyungsoo’s lips, leaving him breathless and trembling. “I love you.”

Hearing this, Kyungsoo’s eyes snapped open, staring at Jongin with surprise, “What did you just say?” he breathed, his hands gripping Jongin’s biceps forcefully. It was the first time the phrase had been exchanged between the two; Kyungsoo knew Jongin loved him, but he had not once heard him express it aloud. It was different, in a way; to hear Jongin actually say it, and it made his already racing heart falter, waves of emotion jumbling his thoughts. 

“I love you.” Jongin repeated with a smile, brushing stray hairs from Kyungsoo’s face. Noting the look of astonishment on his face, Jongin’s eyebrows furrowed together in worry, assuming he had done something wrong, “You don’t have to say it back” he said quickly, moving to sit up, “If you’re not ready. I just... wanted to let you know. I really do love you.”

His retreat was halted by Kyungsoo’s hand catching his wrist, dragging him back down so that Kyungsoo could drape his arms over Jongin’s neck, staring deeply into his eyes. “I love you too” he said, enjoying the relieved smile that swept across Jongin’s face, 

“So much that it drives me crazy.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (◉◡◉) We are getting closer and closer to my favorite chapter, and it is only through an immense amount of will that I haven't just posted chapters 9-12 just because I'm anticipating it so much.   
> Also, I will never get why this chapter always seems so short to me?? its almost 3700 words so I'm very confused.   
> Also also, you know I simply adore you readers, but I'm lowkey getting anxious. Y'all are so quiet, I'm like ??? am I doing something wrong. Lmao ignore my rambling, I love you guys <3   
> ALSO also also, what theme should I do for my next oneshot?

Jongin stayed with Kyungsoo for nearly a week after his return. He couldn’t, in his condition, go back to work, and decided that any organizing could be done through the phone calls that he never let Kyungsoo listen to.

“I don’t want you to have any part of it” was the excuse, and Kyungsoo always frowned but never protested, knowing that he was right. The lines between right and wrong were blurred enough just by being with him; caught between knowing what he should do and obeying what every fiber of his being pulled him towards. Jongin. Still, Kyungsoo was glad for his extended presence; it allowed for sleepless nights and lazy afternoons where they would lay motionless in bed, wrapped around each other. Kyungsoo knew the risks, knew the punishments should they be caught, but it just meant they had to be careful. Kyungsoo never skipped class, never let his grades slip. He was the perfect student he always had been, and thus evaporated any suspicions before they could even seed. Jongin understood this, and only bothered Kyungsoo when he knew it wouldn’t affect his studies. Mostly.

“Stop groping me.” Kyungsoo muttered, kicking Jongin beneath the sheets lightly. Usually he didn’t mind the playful touches that were just rough enough to keep him awake, but he had to get up in a few hours for school and didn’t need another lecture from Baekhyun about getting enough sleep. Jongin snorted behind him, pulling him tighter against his chest.

“I’m trying to find your heartbeat.” He pouted, his hand continuing to press against different spots on Kyungsoo’s bare chest.

“I don’t have one” Kyungsoo retorted, his voice slurred with exhaustion, “I’m a soulless demon. We don’t have heartbeats.”

Kyungsoo could feel Jongin shake behind him as he chuckled to himself. “I knew it.” He whispered, pressing a kiss against Kyungsoo’s neck. Still, his hand continued to roam until it settled on one spot, pressing there firmly. Jongin, having found what he had searched for, sighed in contentment, relaxing against Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s lips twitched at the corners, listening to Jongin’s breaths until they became even. He always liked it when Jongin fell asleep first, though it wasn’t a common occasion. Kyungsoo rolled over to stare at Jongin’s face, sleep wiping away any emotion until it was a blank, flawless mask. Had it not been a school night, Kyungsoo could easily stare at his peaceful features for hours, watching them twitch as dreams played against his the backdrop of his eyes. Kyungsoo pressed a kiss against his nose before snuggling closer, letting the gentle sway of Jongin’s breathing lull him into sleep.

~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo slumped into his seat, Baekhyun raising an eyebrow at his obvious tiredness, but thankfully not calling him out on it. He only had to send Baekhyun a look for him to understand; after all, Baekhyun was one of the few who knew about Kyungsoo’s ‘houseguest’. As the teacher started his lecture, Kyungsoo tried to focus on the topic, finding it increasingly hard as time went on. He just wasn’t as passionate about enthalpy in varying pressures as the teacher seemed to be. A buzz in his pocket notified him of an incoming text, and making sure the teacher wasn’t looking, Kyungsoo slipped it out onto his lap. Jongin didn’t usually text him during school hours, so Kyungsoo opened it with interest, realizing it was a message with a picture attached. His mouth dropped open when he saw it before he bit down on his lip, desperate to stifle any giggles. The text itself just read ‘hope your day is going better than mine’ and the picture was a selfie of Jongin pouting, seated at Kyungsoo’s desk. He must have been on the computer when he took it, but that is not what made Kyungsoo have tears leaking out of his eyes from holding back laughter. What must have been soup covered Jongin, soaking into his shirt and puddling in his lap. Kyungsoo could even make out the noodles and small pieces of vegetables stuck to his drenched front, and an empty bowl lay overturned on the ground in the corner of the picture. Baekhyun looked over, hearing Kyungsoo’s choked noises, and raised his eyebrows in question. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to contain his laughter if he tried to speak, he simply handed his phone over to Baekhyun. He stared wide eyed at the screen for a moment before slapping a hand over his mouth, face turning red as he too tried to be silent though Kyungsoo could see his body shaking from withheld giggles.

“Mister Do and Mister Byun, is there something that you would like to share with the rest of the class?” The teacher’s angry voice brought them back to the present, and Kyungsoo stared at him with a look of shock. He had always been one to panic when he got in trouble. Baekhyun, sensing his friend’s distress, came to his rescue, though his own face was still flushed and his words were broken with half suppressed laughter.

“No, sir. It was my fault, I’m sorry.” Baekhyun declared, trying and failing at looking remorseful. Neither of them backed down from the teachers glare; holding the eye contact until, with a sigh, he went back to his lesson. Kyungsoo slumped back against his seat, mouthing a thank you at Baekhyun before taking his phone back discretely. Baekhyun winked before turning back to his work, scribbling the notes they had missed in their attempts to be quiet.

~ ~ ~

“You got me in trouble,” Kyungsoo reported when he returned from his classes, throwing his bag onto the couch beside Jongin to be forgotten, “The teacher yelled at me because I was laughing at your stupid text.”

Jongin smirked devilishly, glancing up from his phone briefly to stick out his tongue. “That’s not my fault. You laughed at my pain.”

Settling down beside him, Kyungsoo wrapped him arms around Jongin’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder. “I wouldn’t have laughed if you hadn’t sent it.”

“Alright, fine. It’s my fault. You win.” Jongin set his phone aside, turning so he could reciprocate the embrace. He leaned back to pull Kyungsoo onto his chest before lifting a hand to play with the neckline of his shirt, staring down at the top of his head. “The teacher shouldn’t have gotten mad though.” He continued, Kyungsoo looking up at him with wonder. “He got to see something as beautiful as your smile.”

There was a satisfying grunt when Kyungsoo dropped his head back down on Jongin’s chest, and he chuckled, patting his stomach fondly. “God, that’s so cheesy. You’re such a loser.”

Jongin made a face, poking Kyungsoo’s cheek with indignation. “And they say romance is dead.” He whined, continuing to prod and pinch Kyungsoo’s face until his hand was slapped away. They sat together in silence; Kyungsoo could sense that Jongin was stalling but let him do so anyways. At last he spoke, his voice soft, “I’m probably going to leave again soon.”

There was a moment where all they did was breathe before Kyungsoo looked up sadly; he knew this day was coming; he just hadn’t wanted it to be so quick to arrive. “When?” he whispered, hands instinctively tightening around Jongin’s. He knew Jongin wasn’t fully healed; it would take at least a week more for the stitches to be removed, and even then Jongin wouldn’t be able to do strenuous activity. 

“Tomorrow” Jongin admitted. Kyungsoo never liked how he waited until the last minute to tell him things. Despite Jongin’s excuse of never wanting to ruin the time they spent together, Kyungsoo saw it the opposite way; knowing just how limited their time was would make him cherish it that much more. He didn’t reply, just rested his head back onto Jongin’s chest, listening to his heartbeat through the thin fabric of his shirt.

He pushed up off of Jongin after a while, stretching out his muscles before sauntering towards the bathroom. “I’m going to have a shower.” Jongin opened his mouth to speak, but Kyungsoo cut him off, already knowing what he was going to say, “and no, you cannot join me.” He chuckled at the sight of Jongin’s face falling in mock disappointment, closing to door on his pouty expression.

~ ~ ~

With Jongin back in his life, even for brief flashes, Kyungsoo found time speeding up, slipping through his fingers as the year raced towards graduation. There were holidays, in which he went through the procedure of telling Jongin not to buy him anything and Jongin doing it anyways, and there were long weeks of school, many of which Jongin wasn’t present for. Sometimes he remembered to text Kyungsoo every day, sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes there would be weeks without any contact, Kyungsoo finding himself again and again in Minseok’s room, seeking confirmation that he was still alive from Yixing, who by this point was used to Kyungsoo’s random, stressed drop ins. Jongin was busy, but so was Kyungsoo; as the year wore on he had piles of homework to attend to, exams to prepare for. At times he would find himself stressed beyond relief and Jongin, if he was currently present, would spend hours with him, rubbing soothing circles into his back as Kyungsoo sat huddled in his lap.

It was one night where Kyungsoo found them tangled together, paying more attention to each other than the movie playing softly in the background, that his impending graduation date seemed to sink in. He frowned, counting the few days until the ceremony in his mind. He hadn’t noticed how close it was; the changing seasons, passing holidays, and even the exams he had taken had not been enough to alert him of the approaching end. 

Jongin, who had been staring contently at Kyungsoo’s face, noticed the sour expression that plagued the other, poking him in the cheek to get his attention, “What are you thinking about?”

Kyungsoo sighed, laying his head against Jongin’s shoulder. “I’m going to graduate in less than a week.” He stated, though they both already knew it.

“Yeah, you are. Isn’t it a good thing?” Jongin tilted his head, and Kyungsoo couldn’t deny the ever present resemblance to a puppy that he portrayed. 

“I suppose, but then what? I know what I plan to do, but it… I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel real yet, you know? I still feel like it’s September.” Kyungsoo shrugged. “I don’t want to leave this school.” Despite his constant planning– he had gone over the costs of university and exactly what courses he had to take more times than he was willing to admit– he still didn’t feel ready. He had become comfortable in the routine he and Jongin shared, and didn’t want it to be interrupted by the turning of the school year. Jongin smiled reassuringly; he had been with Kyungsoo long enough to understand how much stress the topic was putting on him. 

“You shouldn’t worry so much.” Jongin chided, his voice gentle. “Yeobo was only to get you into a good university, which it did, and you’ve mapped out your plans countless times. I promise you, Soo, you’ll be fine. I’ll be here to help you through it.” He gave a gentle squeeze on Kyungsoo’s hand, patient though they had had this conversation multiple times. “Do you love me?”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, staring at their entwined fingers abashedly. “You know I do.”

It was the answer both of them expected but still Jongin nodded, patting his hair. “I love you too. That means we can do it. We can make it work.” He pulled Kyungsoo closer, resting his chin on the top of his head. “I’m still up for what I said in November, you know.” 

November seemed far away to Kyungsoo, so far that he wasn’t sure if it had even happened. He pulled back, squinting his eyes. “What?”

“Moving in together.” Jongin clarified, shrugging nonchalantly. “I’m still up for it. We can get an apartment near your university. It’ll be cheaper than living on campus, at least. You can get a job, and I already have a job. We could do it, if you want.”

Kyungsoo stayed silent for a minute, Jongin watching him with both interest and nervousness. He was about to break the uncomfortable silence when Kyungsoo spoke, staring at their interlocked hands, “Yeah.” he breathed, so quietly that Jongin wondered for a second if he had just imagined it. “Yeah.” Kyungsoo repeated, looking up to grant Jongin a smile that put the sun to shame. “I want to do it. Let’s do it.”

He leapt off the couch, pacing in front of a bewildered Jongin, who could do nothing but stare up at him lovingly. “I… can’t believe this is happening.” Kyungsoo admitted, bringing his arms up against his chest so that his chin rested on his fisted hands. Jongin noticed that he was trembling slightly, but it was with excitement rather than fear that shook Kyungsoo’s body. “I hadn’t even considered… I mean I forgot, like I just didn’t think… you know what I’m trying to say.” He puffed his cheeks, unable to form a sentence that would weave his thoughts into words. To his relief, Jongin grinned and nodded, his hand reaching out to brush Kyungsoo’s wrist.

“I’m just as excited as you, Kyungsoo. There is nothing I want more in this world.” Kyungsoo’s teeth nibbled on his lip, failing at holding back the high pitched squeals that came out of Kyungsoo’s mouth as he began to hop around the dorm room, too thrilled to remain in one spot for more than a second. Jongin just took the scene in from the couch, enjoying the adorable show Kyungsoo was putting on. “So no more wishing you could stay at Yeobo?” he questioned, brow raised though he already knew the answer.

The question was answered with a fervent shake of Kyungsoo’s head, his eyes wide. “No way.” he announced, making a disgusted face at his room, “I can’t wait to get out of this dump.” Giggling at his own contradiction, he pulled Jongin to his feet, hands splayed as he gestured over the far wall of his dorm dramatically. “Imagine this.” He proposed, not even bothering to look to make sure Jongin was paying attention. “It would be bigger than my room already, but not too big. I’m not made of money. I think white is a pretty safe bet for the walls, and the furniture would all be black. Very modern. On one wall,” he pointed to where the door to the bathroom lay open, “there would be a window overlooking the city, or at least some busy street. But we’d be high enough that traffic noise wouldn’t be noticeable. It would be pretty perfect, don’t you think?” when he at last turned his attention towards Jongin, he saw him smirking, eyes closed as he tried to imagine the room Kyungsoo had described.

Shaking his head, he raised his arms up in surrender. “It would be pretty perfect.” he admitted, pulling Kyungsoo backwards against his chest to rest his chin on his shoulder, “but then again, any apartment would be perfect if I got to share it with you.”

Kyungsoo made a face at the comment, but didn’t call Jongin out on it; he was in too good of a mood. His future seemed so much more welcoming with Jongin in it, no matter how often he was away.

He would be there sometimes, and that’s what mattered.

~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo waited out the final days until graduation with a renewed impatience, the hours drawn longer than the shadows casted over the ground by the evening sun. By the time the actual ceremony came around, he was a bundle of nervous energy, fingers restless as they played with the tassels on his graduation cap. He was the second to go out of their friend group; Baekhyun’s last name of Byun had put him far ahead of any of them, and Kyungsoo had watched with a sense of pride as his friend marched across the stage. Baekhyun had seemed to almost challenge the principal as he received his diploma, staring with an arrogant smirk; not once having doubted that he would be one to walk the stage.

Kyungsoo looked down the line behind him, searching for reassurance in the form of his friends. Yeobo wasn’t the largest school in the district, but it held enough students for the line to stretch far back through the backstage, disappearing through double doors that lead outside. He could see Chanyeol just inwards of where the line fed through the doors, towering over most other students, and though Minseok came before him, he was much smaller and Kyungsoo couldn’t single out his head amongst the swaying sea of hats. Yixing, he knew, would be at the end of the line, but he had left his place momentarily to join the crowd, insistent on watching Minseok take his turn. Peeking around the curtains, his eyes searched for where Yixing sat, whispering something to Jongin. Kyungsoo had nearly protested his coming, needlessly worried that somehow he would still get in some sort of trouble, but Jongin had been uncompromising on the matter. 

“There are going to be parents and siblings and friends all throughout the crowd, Kyungsoo.” He had stated, rolling his eyes, “Nobody will even spare me a second glance.”

Now, Kyungsoo was glad he had come. He was terribly nervous, expecting something, anything, to go wrong in the few seconds it took to walk to the center of the stage, accept the small stack of papers from the principal and shake his hand. It helped, at least a little, to have someone as special as Jongin sitting in the crowd. Had his parents been able to get a day off, they would probably have been there as well, but they were barely making ends meet as it was, and couldn’t afford any days of missed work. Kyungsoo was rueful but understanding; he had grown up learning how to get by, the sacrifices one had to make. He had put it behind him, focusing instead on working towards his future.

Kyungsoo could hear his name being called over the speakers, and his stomach dropped, face blanching. Only the sound of his blood rushing through his ears, akin to waves crashing against a rocky shoreline, dominated his mind, and he walked into the bright light shining onto the stage, squinting under the florescent glare. Somewhere off in the distance, he could hear the rowdy hooting of what could only be Jongin, but the cheering sounded muffled, echoing from the back of his mind. 

“Congratulations.” The principal offered with a smile, holding out his hand for Kyungsoo to shake. On autopilot, he accepted the extended hand and the two looked toward the crowd, posing for both the professional photographer and whoever else wanted to take a picture. Kyungsoo saw a flash illuminate from a far corner, and he let the corners of his lips tug up into a smile, glad once more for Jongin’s enthusiasm. 

The moment he got returned backstage, Kyungsoo collapsed onto a stool, placing his palm over his racing heart. He had, as usual, been unnecessarily nervous, and he was surprised his legs had even stayed loyal enough to carry him off stage. The students that had gone before him were huddled about in groups, waiting for the remaining line to go through the same procedure they had before they would all flood back onto stage and do the ceremonial hat throw to officially end their time as high school students. 

Kyungsoo felt someone hug him from behind tightly; squeezing what little air he had managed to drag into his lungs.

“I’m so proud of you!” Baekhyun whispered loudly into his air, swaying Kyungsoo back and forth. Rolling his eyes, Kyungsoo pulled himself out of Baekhyun’s embrace, shoving his chest playfully.

“If anyone is proud,” he began, gesturing to Baekhyun’s cap and gown, “It’s me. I’m really happy for you, Baek. You, Chanyeol, Minseok. We all did it.”

Baekhyun squealed, perhaps a little too loudly, at this, jumping on the spot in utter joy. “I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel real. Am I dreaming?”

Kyungsoo just shook his head, turning back to the stage with a smile to watch their fellow classmates make their way one by one to collect their handshake and diplomas. He and Baekhyun, along with Jongin and Yixing from the crowd, cheered loudly when Minseok crossed the stage, making him flush a deep shade of pink. While Kyungsoo was sure he had just looked surprised and confused during his time in the light, Minseok wore a smile bright enough to put the many spotlights fixated on him to shame. The moment he crossed out of sight of the crowd he was dragged into a crushing embrace by Baekhyun, much like Kyungsoo had been. He waited until Baekhyun was done fussing before enveloping Minseok into a tight hug himself, too overcome with emotion to speak. 

He waited until Chanyeol crossed the stage, in which Baekhyun burst into tears, and then until Yixing crossed the stage, in which Minseok did. He felt a slight pang of envy, wishing he could cry over Jongin accepting his certificate as well, but swiftly put the thought out of his mind. He would not make the night any less perfect than it already was. He barely had time to register the invitation back on stage addressed to all the grads before Baekhyun grabbed his hand and hauled him to the front, all five of them smiling and crying in one big, emotional mess. 

He locked eyes with Jongin as his hand reached up to grasp the edge of his cap.

“May I present to you…”

Jongin smiled, giving him a thumbs up. Kyungsoo nearly started crying again.  
“this year’s graduates!”

The world was silent for just a moment; everyone collectively holding their breaths.

Then it started raining hats.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It felt unnatural to post a chapter without notes, so here I am. This is probably the earliest I've edited; it's only like 10:45. That means I might even have time to write another short thing, since it is not yet an ungodly hour. I, mother duck, try to feed all of my children equally. My army ducklings, my exoL ducklings, maybe I soon will have some starlight ducklings, who knows.

Kyungsoo sat on his couch, fingers idly tapping away at his laptop’s keyboard. His eyes flicked up to gaze over his apartment, unable to keep the smile from creeping onto his face. The effect still hadn’t worn off, though it had been nearly a month since he had moved in. He had spent the summer living with his parents job hunting, in which he had eventually been hired by a café a couple blocks away from his apartment, and it was nice to finally have a space to himself, to once again be allowed silence that was only interrupted by a clock he had hung in his kitchen. After a year of having the constant tick in his dorm, he felt uneasy in absolute silence, and had quickly purchased one that sounded similar, yet different enough to remind him that he was no longer at Yeobo, that he was living on his own. Mostly.

“What are you doing?” Jongin asked, flopping down onto the couch and curling his legs beneath him. The only clothing he had on were sweat pants used as impromptu pajamas, slung precariously low on his hips. His hair was ruffled from the previous night’s sleep, and his eyes were slightly puffy, semi-consciousness slurring his words in a way Kyungsoo found most endearing. “You shouldn’t be awake before the sun is, Kyungsoo. That’s lame.”

Though it was true that Kyungsoo often rose before dawn, Kyungsoo didn’t see how it was any different than Jongin staying awake all night, only sleeping once the sun had rose for the upcoming day. He chuckled, patting the head that Jongin rested on his shoulder. “Just finishing up this assignment.” He murmured, eyes ghosting over the still dark window that dominated one of the walls of their apartment. “Do you want coffee?”

Getting up before Jongin answered, he stretched before making his way to the kitchen. Jongin had insisted on going over the top for their apartment, and though it wasn’t anything compared to the beauty of Yeobo campus, it was lavish in its own right. Its front door was situated between the living room and kitchen, both furnished with black furniture against stark white walls. The left most wall was a window framed by heavy curtains, overlooking one of the cities many parks. During the day the sun would shine across their entire apartment, its journey ended by the glittering tile backsplash of the kitchen. 

As Kyungsoo fiddled with the coffee maker, he heard Jongin pad quietly across the dark hardwood, settling into one of the stools nestled beside the island. He still looked half asleep, chin resting on his arms. Jongin was the type that would rather watch the sun set than rise, and had always seemed bewildered at Kyungsoo’s early morning escapades. Leaving the coffee maker gurgling contently in the background, Kyungsoo left Jongin to wander down the hallway that sat across from their front door, leading to a bathroom and single bedroom. Shivering slightly, he pulled one of Jongin’s sweaters over his head, pushing it up his arms to allow his fingers to peek through the ends. 

Kyungsoo looked over at his backpack nestled in the corner of the room smugly, knowing he had already completed his homework for the weekend. Jongin had come back the day before, and Kyungsoo wanted to spend every moment he could with him, never knowing how long he had until he would be left alone again. It had cost him an entire evening of pouring himself over assignments, but it was worth it. Jongin was worth it. 

When Kyungsoo shuffled back into the kitchen, Jongin seemed to be asleep, hunched over the counter in what looked like an uncomfortable position.

“Coffee’s ready.” Kyungsoo stated, poking his cheek. He poured them both a cup, putting a little sugar in his and a lot in Jongin’s. Settling into the other stool, he set Jongin’s coffee down before him, tapping his hair until he reluctantly raised his head. 

“It’s a sin to be awake this early.” Jongin said gruffly, but accepted the coffee anyways. They sat in comfortable silence, letting themselves be warmed from the inside. It was moments like this that Kyungsoo yearned for, moments that made the weeks alone bearable. Because Jongin would always come back. Kyungsoo couldn’t count on texts every day; he couldn’t count on his disappearances only being short, but he could always look forward to the settling tap of his shoes on the floor, the arms that would wrap tightly around his waist as Jongin whispered ‘I love you’ and ‘I missed you’ into his neck. 

When the caffeine began to take effect, Jongin no longer looking like he was seconds from falling back to sleep, Kyungsoo announced that he was going to have a shower. Jongin nodded, hopping off his own stool to follow him down the hallway. It was second nature by now, so much so that the bathroom felt too big, too empty, without two people inside it. 

Letting the water wash any residual sleep and cold away from his body, Kyungsoo busied himself, pouring shampoo into his palms. He had only just begun washing his hair when Jongin swatted his hands away, his fingers replacing Kyungsoo’s.

“I am a big boy, Jongin.” Kyungsoo retorted, though he made no move to reclaim his head, “I can shampoo my own hair.”

Smirking slightly, Jongin continued to scrunch foam through Kyungsoo’s hair, even when he received a pinch to his arm. “I like to do it though.” He countered, pushing Kyungsoo back under the spray of water once he was satisfied with his work, “You look so cute with a covered in bubbles.”

Pouring more shampoo into his hands, Jongin began to work the bubbles through his own hair, watching Kyungsoo carefully. He frowned, hands stilling, “What are you thinking about?”

Kyungsoo, who had been dazed off slightly, snapped to attention, grinning shyly. Even after all this time, Jongin’s gaze could make him feel small. It was so intense, so careful and calculated. “Baekhyun’s coming over later today.” He admitted, not bothering to hide it. Jongin just nodded slowly and switched their positions so he could wash out his own hair. “It’s just that I haven’t seen him in so long. We wanted to catch up, you know. I didn’t know if you would be home when I agreed to it. I could cancel…”

He was stopped with hands on his shoulders, Jongin gazing down at him intently. “Don’t cancel.” He assured, eyes slightly concerned, “I’m not going to dictate who you can and can’t have over. If you are worried about what Baekhyun thinks of me, I could leave for the evening.”

Kyungsoo’s eye widened at this, hands flitting out to grasp Jongin’s biceps tightly. “No!” he half shouted, voice panicked. He took a deep breath before continuing, voice sounding more reasonable. “No. I don’t want you to go. Contrary to what you think, Baek doesn’t hate you. We can all spend the evening together. I’ll tell him to bring Chanyeol, and we could go see a movie or something. It’ll be like a double date.”

Relaxing, Jongin dropped his hands to his sides, and they fell into a silence backed by the hiss of the shower head. Kyungsoo took it as a sign of agreement, so he grinned, lifting onto his toes to press a kiss against Jongin’s cheek. “Thank you.”

In response, Jongin just held up the bottle of conditioner, wiggling it in front of Kyungsoo’s face. “I get to condition your hair.”

~ ~ ~

By the time Kyungsoo had gotten dressed and made lunch for the two of them, the sun was well on its way through the sky, its path arching upwards. He had never been good at waiting, and the day consisted of glancing at the clock and restless cleaning. Jongin watched him with amused eyes, commenting ever so often about how the time would not go any faster by checking every five minutes. 

“If you keep cleaning like that, you are going to need another shower,” Jongin teased from his position on the couch, raising an eyebrow at Kyungsoo’s annoyed stare.

“I can’t help it.” Kyungsoo whined, abandoning his dishcloth to jump onto the cushion beside him. “I’m too excited. It’s been almost three months since I’ve seen them.”

Jongin nodded in understanding, absentmindedly playing with Kyungsoo’s fingers. “Did you call Baekhyun to see if he’s down for a movie?”

Kyungsoo hummed in answer, leaning back against the arm rest of the couch, “Yeah. He and Chanyeol should be here around five.” A quick look towards the clock had him wrinkling his nose, breath huffing out in annoyance, “That is still another half hour. It seems like forever.”

Shrugging, Jongin reached out to pull Kyungsoo against his body, head nestled in the junction of his neck and shoulder, “Knowing Baekhyun, I’m sure he will-” a loud, rapid knocking on their door made Jongin pause, a coy smile teasing his face, “-be here early.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened as he froze for a moment, then he was clambering over the back of the sofa, tripping over his own feet as he rushed to throw open the door. The moment he did, he was tackled, Baekhyun gripping him with both his arms and legs with a yelled “Kyungsoo!”

There was a slight grunt from Kyungsoo has he fell back against the island, using one hand to wave at Chanyeol, who stood in the door with the goofy smile Kyungsoo had come to love. 

“I missed you too, Baek.” Kyungsoo’s voice was muffled, his face pressed against his shirt. Extracting himself from his beaming friend, he gestured for the two of them to come in, peeking at Jongin, who had watched the reunion from the couch with a soft smile on his face. As Kyungsoo ushered them towards the living room, Chanyeol whistled, looking around the room.

“It’s a nice place.” He commented, settling onto one of the chairs. Baekhyun bounced into another, gripping the armrests tightly. It was nice to have someone as bright as him around. His happiness seemed contagious, and Kyungsoo could understand why Chanyeol always seemed to be in a good mood. Baekhyun just had that effect on people.

“Jongin actually picked it out.” Kyungsoo admitted, grinning with pride. The mention of his name seemed to remind everyone that he was there, relaxed against the cushions. Chanyeol nodded to him in greeting while Baekhyun narrowed his eyes slightly, though his lip quirked up with mischief.

“Oh yeah. You live here too, don’t you?” Baekhyun questioned, though he already knew the answer. Clearing his throat, he sat up straighter, crossing his legs. Kyungsoo knew of the interrogation that was about to occur, and groaned, casting an arm over his eyes. Baekhyun stared at Jongin fiercely, but the latter seemed unaffected, the only hint to his inner thoughts a slight smirk.

“Have you been treating Kyungsoo well?” Baekhyun began, barely giving Jongin time to say yes before he fired of the next question, blitz style, “Making sure he does his homework?”

“Baek…” Kyungsoo began as Jongin nodded, though his warning was lost on either one of them.

“Keeping him well fed?” Baekhyun continued, leaning forward in eagerness. Jongin just nodded at each question, allowing him to continue, “Have you taken him out to dinner? Do you guys go out for walks? Are you helping him clean? Asking him how he is doing? Is he exercising? Sleeping well?”

Baekhyun paused, grinning evilly before he asked his next question. Kyungsoo could barely get out a “Don’t you dare” before Baekhyun cut him off, raising an eyebrow challengingly at Jongin.

“Have you guys had sex yet?” Despite himself, Jongin looked genuinely surprised to hear the question, while Kyungsoo just let his head fall back against the couch. Baekhyun never changed. 

“What?” Baekhyun huffed, crossing his arms, “We’re friends. I’m _allowed_ to ask that.”

“You don’t see me asking it.” Kyungsoo countered, staring up at the ceiling. He looked towards Jongin for assistance, but he seemed lost in thought, staring into space.

“You are welcome to any time.” Baekhyun grinned, teeth glinting in the evening sun, “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

Snorting, Kyungsoo waved his hands dismissively. “I’m good.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes at this, and Kyungsoo had thought he had dropped the topic when he heard a “Well?” Have you?”

The question was directed at Jongin, and it seemed to snap him out of his trance. He looked at Kyungsoo apologetically before shrugging. “Yeah.”

Baekhyun jumped out of the chair at this, scaring Kyungsoo slightly, before yelling “I knew it!” He turned to Chanyeol, one hand on his hip while the other pointed in accusation, “You owe me twenty dollars.”

Kyungsoo’s head snapped up at this, eyebrows furrowing as his mouth dropped open. “Were you betting on my sex life?” he accused, watching a begrudging Chanyeol reach into his pocket to pull out a slightly rumpled twenty dollar bill.

“Of _course_ I wasn’t” Baekhyun denied, plucking the bill from Chanyeol’s grasp. “I’m your _friend_.” He reached into his own pocket, pulling out his wallet, “What kind of friend would I be-” he opened it, peering at the bill fondly, “If _I_ made bets” he slid the bill gingerly into his wallet, then proceeded to return it to his pocket, “on _your_ sex life.”

A pillow flew through the air, hitting Baekhyun’s face with a satisfying thump. “You are unbelievable.” Kyungsoo scoffed, looking over to Jongin for support only to find him holding back laughter. “Hey!”

“Sorry” was the giggled reply, Jongin raising a hand to his mouth to stifle the chuckles that bubbled from his lips, “I can’t help it. You two are too much.”

Kyungsoo jumped up, sticking out his tongue. “I cannot believe I am being made fun of in my own house.” He walked over to Chanyeol, grabbing him by the arm and hauling him to his feet, which was quite the task considering Chanyeol was even taller than Jongin. “I am going to the movies with Chanyeol, then. You two can stay here.”

The words had the effect he wanted; both Jongin and Baekhyun made a sour face, collecting their things quickly and prying the faux lovers apart. 

“Don’t touch my boyfriend.” Baekhyun warned, though his voice was teasing. 

Kyungsoo made a face in return, “Or what? Are you going to beat me up?” He laughed harshly; though he was shorter than Baekhyun, he couldn’t imagine the soft hearted boy ever even having the thought to harm him, regardless of the situation. 

“I’ll get Chanyeol to beat you up.” Baekhyun defended, holding their interlocked fingers high as if it were proof of his testimony.

“If you do that, Jongin will beat Chanyeol up.” Kyungsoo found it impossible to keep the giggles out of his voice. He was glad to have the opportunity to mess around with Baekhyun again. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed it.

“Then I’ll beat Jongin up.” Everyone froze at Baekhyun’s conclusion, a moment of silence passing before they all burst into laughter. “Really!” Baekhyun defended, wiping tears from his eyes, “Don’t try me. I’m vicious.”

Making their noisy way down the hall, they crowded into an elevator as the last of the giggles died off. Jongin had his arm hung casually over Kyungsoo’s shoulder, but his body was tense, fidgety. Kyungsoo picked up on it quickly, sneaking glances at the other to try to figure out what was wrong. He didn’t want to ask in front of Baekhyun and Chanyeol, and since both the elevator and the bus ride deeper into the city situated them in a close proximity, the chance never came up. It was only when they were walking the short distance along the street to the theatre before he had the opportunity, falling a few paces behind the loudly chattering couple in front of them.

“What’s bothering you?” he murmured, swinging their hands between them. Jongin winced at the question, letting it hang in the air for a few moments before answering.

“I usually only come to this part of the city for work.” He admitted, refusing to look down at Kyungsoo’s wide eyes. It explained why Jongin was so antsy, why he couldn’t go more than a few seconds without his eyes scanning their surroundings. 

“Are you scared?” the question was said on a hushed whisper, but it lacked any judgement. It was straightforward, honest. Kyungsoo stared at Jongin until he at last looked down at him, eyes unreadable.

“Yeah.” He admitted at last, even softer than Kyungsoo had spoken, “But not for me. For you. For Baekhyun and Chanyeol. I should have checked which theatre we were going to beforehand. I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo simply shook his head, trying to portray placidity though he too found his eyes flicking nervously around the streets. He convinced himself it was just paranoia that shuffled in the corners of his vision, that strangers passing by didn’t stare for longer than he felt comfortable with. Kyungsoo suddenly wished he had picked an earlier time to meet up; by now the setting sun was painting the sky with deep oranges, and it wouldn’t be long until the warm colours subsided into blues and blacks. He flinched at movement to his left, only to realize that it was just Jongin tapping on his phone screen quickly, brows furrowed.

Baekhyun skipped easily on ahead of them with Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo decided not to let them know of his Jongin’s relation to the area. He remembered, vaguely, about what one of his professors had told him, when they were on the topic of facing what you were scared of. _Fear_ , he had said, _is a virus. It claws its way into your brain and festers there until you can no longer tell what is real and what is simply a spinning of your imagination._ Kyungsoo took a deep breath, trying to be rational. The chances of anything bad happening couldn’t be high. He snuck a glance at Jongin’s face, hoping to be reassured, but the opposite taking place. Jongin’s mouth was pressed into a grim line, face hardened into a mask Kyungsoo had never seen before. It almost scared him, and Kyungsoo was about to speak when Jongin turned to him, worry in his eyes.

“I know you wanted this to be a double date.” He began, sounding apologetic, “but I don’t want you to be seen with me. Not here. Kris said he’s at a coffee shot just up the street, so he’s coming right now to take me home.” His teeth held his lip as he finished, and Kyungsoo felt torn at the broken look in Jongin’s eyes.

“I understand.” He said slowly, trying to ease some of the burden he knew the other was carrying. “I… I wouldn’t want Baek and Yeol in danger either. We can talk about it when I get home, ok?” He gave Jongin’s hand a soft squeeze, offering up a reassuring smile. They walked in silence for a few minutes, Kyungsoo trying to figure out what he could tell the others. He eventually settled on being general, voicing it to Jongin though it was more for himself. “I’ll just tell them you had something come up.”

Seeing Jongin nod, he turned to call them back when sudden shouting cut him off. The once silent street became chaos faster than Kyungsoo would have thought was possible. A sleek black car screeched to a halt beside him at the same time that loud bangs erupted from the other side of the street. He felt pain sear across his shoulder a moment before a rough shove against his back sent him sprawling out on the sidewalk beside the car, his head making contact with the concrete hard enough to send a rainbow dancing across his vision. He rolled over to see who had pushed him, only to find nobody there. It must have been Jongin; he was the only person who had been close enough to. By that point, however, he was dragging Chanyeol and Baekhyun by their arms back towards him, both of which who had frozen in confusion and fear at the sudden commotion. Kyungsoo pushed himself to his knees, his head pounding in time with his heart. 

Through his hazy vision, Kyungsoo kept his gaze on Jongin. His brain had not caught up enough to remember exactly who he was, but some part of Kyungsoo knew he had to get to him, that he would make everything okay.

Staggering unsteadily on his feet, he began to stumble towards the trio slowly making their way towards him only to have hands grip him roughly from behind, dragging him towards the car. He fought weakly against his attacker, craning his neck to keep his eyes on Jongin even after he was pushed into the backseat of the car. It was then that his eyes finally looked up at the face of who had shoved him in, and he realized just who had prevented him from going to both Jongin and his friends.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright  
> You guys wouldn't believe the internal argument I had while editing this chapter. It went something like;  
> half of me: lets just post chapters 11 and 12 together  
> other half: that's a terrible idea. It defeats the whole purpose of having chapters  
> 1st half: yeah but consider this; chapter 12.  
> 2nd half: shit fam u rite  
> But no, I'm not going to post it tonight. Maybe early tomorrow though, when I get home from work (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧  
> ALSO do any of you have predictions for what's going to happen? I know I've been raving about chapter 12 (its my FAVE) but I'm lowkey worried that you guys are going to hate it lmao. Even so, there are like 5 more chapters after, so that may change your predictions~

“Kris?” Kyungsoo asked, bewildered. They had never officially been introduced, and had Jongin not mentioned Kris coming to pick him up earlier, Kyungsoo would have been slightly scared to be in such a tight space with him looming over. His only was reply was a grunt, face drawn into a scowl. He pulled out of the car, and a moment later Baekhyun and Chanyeol were shoved in, the former of which had tears streaming down his face. As Kris jumped back into the driver’s seat, Jongin slammed their door, sliding into the passenger’s. More gunshots echoed in the street, and Kyungsoo peered out of his window to see multiple figures running towards their car, guns in hand. 

Kris needed no encouragement to step on the gas, and Kyungsoo fell back against his seat as the car lurched forward, speeding down the once peaceful road. Chanyeol was trying to pacify a whimpering Baekhyun, though his eyes were watering slightly as well and his voice was uneven. Kyungsoo assisted, half listening to the rushed conversation taking place in the front seats. 

“Take them back to my place. The three of them can stay there for the night.” Jongin commanded, fiddling with something Kyungsoo couldn’t see. His voice had an edge that Kyungsoo had never heard before, and he swallowed, throat dry. “Who was it?”

“Shinee,” Kris growled, lip curled up into a snarl. Kyungsoo was surprised at how soft his voice was, even when venom coated his words, “Jinki and his dogs. I saw them just as I was pulling up. Too uncoordinated to be an ambush. I assume those bastards were just playing an opportunity.”

Kyungsoo’s held his lip tightly between his teeth, staring out the window as buildings and parks rushed past. It was just bad luck that had put them in this situation. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and Jongin was alone. Kyungsoo could see how it was an irresistible chance, even though the thought made him feel sick. Already he felt slightly lightheaded, and he thought it was only from hitting the ground so hard when Baekhyun spoke up.

“Kyungsoo, you’re bleeding.” he commented, voice soft. It was not quiet enough for Jongin to miss, however, and his head snapped towards them, leaning out of his seat. 

“Where?” he demanded, voice perhaps too hard for Baekhyun, who had just recovered from his breakdown. Kyungsoo himself looked to where Baekhyun pointed, gasping slightly. He hadn’t even noticed the wound, nor the blood that had been trickling from it, adrenaline dulling the pain. His upper arm now leaked dark red, staining where it dripped down onto his jeans.

Kyungsoo glanced at Jongin’s face and felt his heart break slightly. There was no anger left in his features, only concern; regret. Guilt.

“It only grazed me.” Kyungsoo said quickly, attempting to ease the situation. “I didn’t even notice until Baekhyun pointed it out. It won’t need stitches or anything, and I have a first aid kit at home. I’m fine.”

Jongin reached out, not answering as his fingers brushed the skin around the wound. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, breaking the deathly quiet that settled over the car.

“No-” Kyungsoo began, his sentence interrupted by their arrival to the apartment. At Jongin’s direction, Chanyeol clambered out of the vehicle, pulling Baekhyun with him. Kyungsoo left through the opposite side, leaning into the driver’s window.

“You aren’t coming with us?” he asked, to which Kris just shook his head.

“Kai and I have to deal with this. I’ll bring him back safe, no worries.” Kris reached out, patting Kyungsoo’s shoulder reassuringly. Kyungsoo’s eyes flicked to Jongin, confused for just a moment. Kai. It fit him, somehow. He looked back at Kyungsoo apologetically, breathing deeply. He didn’t say anything, but Kyungsoo could see the muscles of his jaw clench, throat working as he swallowed. There had never been a time where Kyungsoo had seen Jongin so angry before. It was a night full of firsts. 

Kyungsoo leaned back from the window, turning towards where Chanyeol and Baekhyun stood huddled together. He heard Kris say something about texting Sehun and Yixing, and then they were gone, tires screeching before leaving them in a night so silent it stole Kyungsoo’s breath. 

The three of them remained in this silence until they were safely back in Kyungsoo’s apartment, door locked and kettle bubbling away. Chanyeol seemed to have been in a shocked sort of stillness, but helped him clean his wound and tape gauze securely onto his arm. It wasn’t as bad as it had initially looked, and Kyungsoo was relieved. He wanted to heal as quickly as possible and put the whole scenario behind him. A couple pain pills were all he needed before he prepared cups of hot chocolate, bringing them over to the living room.

Taking a deep breath, Kyungsoo addressed his two friends with an awkwardness he hadn’t felt in more than a year. “I…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry.” Baekhyun snapped, surprising all of them. He squeezed his eyes together, rubbing his temple. “That came out harsher than intended. Don’t apologize, Soo. Please don’t. It wasn’t your fault, and I don’t want you feeling guilt over this when you were the one that got hurt.”

Kyungsoo frowned, struggling for words. “But it _was_ my fault, at least partially. I am guilty by association. And you two could have just as easily gotten hurt, or worse.”

“But we didn’t.” Chanyeol finished for Baekhyun, holding him in his arms. “Don’t stress about it. It was a scary experience for all of us. We just… have to be more careful in the future.”

Kyungsoo felt his eyes well with tears, once again moved at the loyalty of his friends. They had been in the crossfire of gang violence because of him, and they were still willing to stay by his side. “Thank you.” He whispered, falling into one of the chairs when he found his legs weakening. “Really. I can’t express with words how grateful I am for you two.”

Baekhyun grinned at him, though Chanyeol cast his eyes downwards, abashed by the compliment. “That’s what friends are for, Kyungsoo. Don’t forget it.”

~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo picked up his phone, contemplating on calling Jongin. He had resisted the urge so far, but as autumn once again fell to the throes of winter, he couldn’t help but wonder if his boyfriend was okay. He no longer had Yixing living across the hall to convey messages to Jongin, and his silence made Kyungsoo restless. Still, the thought of Jongin not picking up was worse than not having him call at all, and Kyungsoo tossed his phone on his bed in frustration. He stared at it for a moment before sighing and picking it back up. He wouldn’t call, but he could at least text. Just to say he tried.  
‘When are you coming home?’  
Satisfied, he tossed his phone back onto his bed, returning his attention to an assignment that desperately needed to be done. It was exhaustive but interesting. When he had explained his criminology courses to Baekhyun the morning after he and Chanyeol had spent the night, he was graced with confused and somewhat disgusted expressions.

“Soo, no offense, and I’m glad you enjoy it and all, but that sounds like the most boring thing in the world. I thought Minseok studying marine biology was bad, but you, my friend, take the cake,” Baekhyun had teased, despite the constant support he had shown Kyungsoo. They stayed until noon, promising to meet up again, and to invite Minseok. Surely they could reserve a night with him between his extensive studies. 

They had kept their promise two weeks later, and the four made a trip to the carnival that been in town. They had taken two busses, though they would have only needed to take one if they didn’t stop for ice cream. “But it’s _tradition_!” Baekhyun had whined, silencing any of their protests. After another show for the shop owner and twenty minutes of Baekhyun deciding what flavour he wanted to get while Chanyeol yelled at him, they had left the shop, opting to eat on the bus. Baekhyun ate slowly, sitting with a smug grin on his face and hazelnut ice cream on his tongue. 

All in all, Kyungsoo had enjoyed himself. It was nice to see Minseok again; he had not spoken to him since school ended despite their spotty connection through Jongin and Yixing. In the moments that they had caught up between sketchy looking roller coasters and greasy food, Kyungsoo nearly forgot he wasn’t still in high school. With Baekhyun and Chanyeol resuming their game of ‘who can make Minseok blush harder’– though it was a lot more difficult after Minseok had been with Yixing for so long– and Kyungsoo making threats they all knew he wouldn’t carry out, it was hard to believe that they weren’t simply taking a day off from Yeobo. The day ended earlier than he would have liked, but they all promised to get together again soon, Baekhyun tossing in some ‘or else’s for good measure. 

A beep disrupted Kyungsoo’s daydreaming, and his eyes flicked to his phone screen, staring at it for a moment before getting up to retrieve it. It was a text from Jongin. Kyungsoo’s heart leapt, and he was surprised he didn’t crush his phone with the way his hand tightened around it. He quickly opened the message, smile faltering. Some part of him had hoped that his wishes would be granted, that Jongin’s return was just around the corner. Taking a deep breath, Kyungsoo turned off his phone, his teeth gritted as he rose from his desk and stomped off towards the kitchen. His homework could be finished later, when he wasn’t in such a foul mood. How could be focus, after what Jongin had said? It hurt, and Kyungsoo wasn’t exactly sure why. It had only been three words, after all, but they left him feeling both angry and unfulfilled.  
‘When I can.’

~ ~ ~

“Where have you been?” The words were snapped through a set jaw, Kyungsoo folding his arms tightly across his chest. He enjoyed the way it made him look; tough, uncaring, though the actual reason for the gesture was to still his shaking hands. Jongin looked up at him with surprised eyes, foot still half out of his shoe as he froze. 

“Kyungsoo…” he began, leaning on the counter with a sigh. He looked different in a way Kyungsoo couldn’t quite place. Arms a little more muscular, eyes a little harder; things that anyone but Kyungsoo would look over without notice. 

“Do you even realize how worried I was?” Kyungsoo cried, rushing forward to crush his body against Jongin’s. He pressed his face into his shoulder, feeling how Jongin tensed with shock. He smelled like expensive cologne and exhaustion, but at the same time so familiar that Kyungsoo felt a pang of longing burn through his chest. 

“You’re not angry?” Jongin asked slowly, voice cautious. Kyungsoo snorted at this, letting go of Jongin to step back. His eyes were narrowed, glaring in such a way that had even Jongin shifting in discomfort.

“I’m _furious._ ” He snarled, though his disdain only lasted a second before he let a sigh blow past his lips. “But I’m also relieved. It’s been two months, Jongin. I thought something had happened to you.” Kyungsoo let his eyes slip close, brows drawn together as he sunk onto one of the island stools. He heard the soft padding of Jongin’s feet over the hardwood, felt his fingertips brush along his face, and it was all he could do to remain what little resolve he still had. “How would I even know if you…” his sentence trailed off with a sigh, the unsaid words hanging like a guillotine over both of them. 

They remained quiet for a couple minutes, Jongin’s hands gliding up and down Kyungsoo’s back, before he spoke. “I love you.” The words were plain; neither accusing nor defensive. “I love you, Kyungsoo.” Jongin repeated, arms circling his waist, “and I hate what I’m doing to you. Please, please, know that I’m not doing it because I want to. I _have_ to. I have to keep them safe. You don’t-”

“Understand? I don’t understand?” Kyungsoo finished, trying and failing to make his words hold strength. Instead, they wavered, cracking at the edges. “You keep saying that, but I do. I get it, Jongin. I get that you have people to keep safe, and a business to run, and police to evade.” He chuckled at the irony, shaking his head in disbelief. “I just want whatever piece of you is left between all that. I want to go to bed knowing you’ll be there when I wake up.” The first tears sprung from his eyes, and he shook in Jongin’s grasp, gripping his shirt tightly. He had told himself he wouldn’t do this, not when Jongin was scarce as it was, but he couldn’t help it. His face was soon damp, crying into Jongin’s shirt. “I want to feel like I’m good enough. _Why am I not good enough?!_ ”

“No.” Jongin’s voice came out raspy, and Kyungsoo could feel him trembling against his body. “You _are_ good enough. You are more than good enough, Kyungsoo.” He leaned down to press a kiss to his lips, fingers wiping away the tear tracks that stained the skin. His lips ghosted over his cheekbone, pressing down all over Kyungsoo’s flushed face. “I love you.” He murmured, hands fisting in his hair. “I love you.” He repeated, mouth roaming over Kyungsoo’s neck to nibble gently at his collarbone. Kyungsoo gripped his arms tightly, throat burning from the tears he was so desperately trying to hold back. Jongin’s touch was fond, warming Kyungsoo rather than sparking against his skin as it usually did. “I love you.” His lips crashed against Kyungsoo’s once more, leaving Kyungsoo gasping for air. 

“I can’t live without you.”

~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo opened eyes to bright light filtering through the window, wishing he had had enough sense to close the curtains. He groaned, turning to press his face into the pillow. His room was a mess; evidence of the previous night’s antics strewn across the floor. It didn’t bother him too much; the bed could be remade, the clothes could be found. His throat burned slightly, reminiscent of the tears fallen, even into the long hours of the night when he was the only one awake. It was worth it to wake up beside Jongin once more. He had missed the gentle sounds of sleep he made, the way his arms would instinctively pull Kyungsoo closer. He waited for any remnant sorrow wash over him, but he felt surprisingly light, happy even. Perhaps it was just relief that his weeks of waiting had finally paid off. 

Despite his best efforts to wriggle out of Jongin’s hold subtly, Kyungsoo heard a groan from the other as he started moving, Jongin pulling him back against his chest. Kyungsoo just rolled his eyes, pushing out of the embrace so he could sit up in the bed despite Jongin snaking out a hand to grasp blindly around. 

“Don’t wake up yet.” He muttered, hand grasping feebly onto Kyungsoo’s wrist. “Stay in bed and canoodle with me for a bit longer.”

“Canoodle?” Kyungsoo repeated, raising an eyebrow. Jongin cracked one eye open to grin up at him, face rubbing against the pillow as he nodded. “Sorry, but I’m all canoodled out for the moment. I need food and caffeine.”

Jongin whined once more when Kyungsoo slipped out of the bed, slipping his bare arms into a sweater before padding to the door. He look one last look at the lump on the bed which he adored so much before sliding out into the hallway, knowing Jongin would join him once the smell of coffee snuck through the cracks of the door.

The mornings after Jongin came back always felt weird to Kyungsoo. His mind was a mix of comfort residual frustration. He felt oddly cautious around him; keeping his words calculated. There were things that Kyungsoo never asked about, and things that he knew he had to, even if he didn’t want to. The ruler of them all always stuck in Kyungsoo’s throat, the words spoken so softly that he would sometimes have to repeat himself. _How long are you staying this time?_ Kyungsoo didn’t know why he asked. The conversation was always the same; Jongin would answer with a shrug, a raised eyebrow, and a ‘for as long as I can, I suppose’. Kyungsoo would then ask how long he would be away for once he left, and Jongin would sigh softly before saying ‘until I can come back’, and it wasn’t Jongin’s casual responses that he feared. It was that ‘as long as I can’ was never long enough, and ‘until I can come back’ often stretched for weeks on end. It was hard; waking up in an empty, cold bed, reminding himself to make only enough coffee for one person, not having to call out a goodbye when he left for school. It was hard, but not having Jongin at all would be harder, and Kyungsoo couldn’t do that to himself, not after all he had already endured. 

“Ugh.” Jongin’s grunt pulled his attention to the hallway, and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile. He was shirtless, as Kyungsoo had been, but unlike Kyungsoo he hadn’t bothered to put on a sweater, squinting against the sunlight that warmed the kitchen. “Too. Damn. Early.” He sunk onto a stool, resting his chin on his crossed arms, “Seriously, Soo, I will never understand what your deal is with waking up the moment you see the sun. It’s _okay_. The world will still be here in a couple hours.”

There was a satisfying snort from Jongin when Kyungsoo tapped his head with the spatula he was holding, pieces of scrambled egg bouncing across the counter. Jongin was about to complain about the mess he had made when Kyungsoo set down a plate in front of him, hopping into the seat adjacent with his own. 

“I missed having people cook for me.” Jongin chuckled, glancing at Kyungsoo with a smirk. “It’s so nice.”

Kyungsoo scoffed, letting his coffee cup warm his hands rather than start eating. “Eggs are _not_ cooking. Anyone can make them.” He paused, nibbling on his lip in uncertainty. Now was as good a time as ever. It was better just to get it out of the way. “But, since we’re on the topic…”

He didn’t need to finish the sentence; one look at his uncomfortable expression and restless fingers told enough of what he wanted to say. Jongin froze, fork stopping halfway to his mouth. “Soon.” He whispered, guilt softening his voice. Kyungsoo raised his eyebrows, fingers ceasing their tapping. “Tomorrow.” He elaborated, hating the way Kyungsoo’s mouth dropped open at the word.

“You just got back.” The accusation was barely a whisper, but Kyungsoo could tell by the pain thrown across Jongin’s face that it had hit hard. “What could be so important that you can’t stay away for more than a day?”

There wasn’t a response for a while, Kyungsoo’s frown deepening as the seconds ticked on. “Negotiations.” Was the word Jongin finally settled with, his voice final in a way that Kyungsoo knew he wouldn’t be able to get any more information from the other. It was a tone Kyungsoo heard all too often, one used whenever they broached the subject of Jongin’s work. He sighed, getting up to place his dishes in the sink. He hadn’t wanted this to be both the first and last day of Jongin’s visit, even though the two seemed to be comprised of the same activities. The mornings would be slow, the afternoons stuffed with activities, and the nights lost between raspy breaths and messy kisses. 

Kyungsoo wasn’t surprised when that was how their day went.

“Jongin…” He breathed, blonde hair brushing his chin as he felt lips and teeth abuse the flushed skin of his neck. He would have hickeys tomorrow. Jongin seemed to do it on purpose; letting them remain long after he had departed. The bed felt too warm against Kyungsoo’s back, even after they had discarded the heavy blanket they used during the winter. “Wait. Let me breathe for a second.” He tapped Jongin’s shoulder, feeling his lips pull into a grin against his jaw. Jongin sat back, knees pressed into the mattress on either side of Kyungsoo’s waist. His chest was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and he was panting just as heavily as Kyungsoo was. Still, with his disheveled hair and heavy lidded eyes, he looked absolutely gorgeous. His tongue dragged across his lips tantalizingly as his stared down at Kyungsoo, eyes crawling over every inch of his exposed skin. Kyungsoo wriggled in discomfort under the heavy gaze, even though there was no room for judgement between the adoration and desire. 

“Don’t stare.” Kyungsoo whined, blushing for a reason other than the way Jongin’s hands made him feel. 

“Why not?” Jongin raised an eyebrow, voice challenging as if to say _make me_. Kyungsoo frowned slightly, knowing Jongin wouldn’t understand. 

“Because.” He drawled, not wanting to share his insecurities. Jongin tilted his head, wanting an elaboration. It made Kyungsoo sigh, but he continued anyways, knowing he wasn’t going to get out of it. “Because you are tall and beautiful and in shape and I’m just me. I can’t but feel self-conscious in comparison. It makes me want to… start working out or something.” Jongin looked shocked for a second before his mouth slowly spread into a smile, and he leaned down to pepper loving kisses all over Kyungsoo’s chest. 

“You are not _just_ you, Kyungsoo. Besides,” He breathed between kisses, not stopping until every inch had been loved. “I like you like this. So soft. All mine.”

His touch sent goosebumps racing over Kyungsoo’s heated skin, resuming his quest in torment. Kyungsoo keened, arching off the bed so his body was pressed against Jongin’s. He could feel both of their heart beats, erratically thrumming against one another. 

“Don’t ever think you are anything less than perfection.” Jongin murmured into his ear, the words hummed with a low intensity that Kyungsoo had never seen anyone but Jongin manage. Kyungsoo nodded, his breaths heavy and quick. “Promise me.” Jongin growled, sending a shiver down his spine. Kyungsoo let his eyes flutter shut, his voice barely a whisper.

“I promise.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you hear that? Off in the distance? That itty bitty sound? Yeah, that's me screaming really far away.  
> It's only like 7:15 o.o this is the earliest I've ever posted probably but I think by now you all expected it to be early.  
> ANYWAYS I hope you like it; I know I do.

Jongin, as promised, left the next morning. Kyungsoo had foolishly hoped something would come up, that he would be able stay longer, but it seemed that he had used up all his wishes already. He reminded himself constantly that he was already lucky; he had a home and a job and Jongin. That would have to be enough for now.

As the years ebbed on, seasons thawing and freezing the earth in turn, Jongin became a habit he couldn’t quite kick. Kyungsoo tried. He tried to focus on school, tried not to let Jongin’s disappearances– which had grown longer and more frequent as time went on– bother him. He tried not to question where the large sums of money came from, some of which took the form of deposits into their shared bank account and others mere stacks of neatly clipped bills left out on the kitchen counter, and he pretended not to notice the heavy bags Jongin would sometimes bring home and stuff in the back of their closet. They were always full of things Kyungsoo didn’t want to see: a glint of metal here, small baggies of powder there, the occasional blood stained cloth and torn clothing.

Mysterious bags weren’t the only thing Jongin brought home either. There was a time when Jongin gave up on trying to hide his gun, and had since then gotten comfortable with cleaning it at the island, despite Kyungsoo’s protests. There was the time he came home with a bandage wrapped tightly around his rib cage, leaving it on for three weeks before unwrapping the gauze. Kyungsoo had helped him pull out the stitches, adding the new scar to the many already in his memory. After all, Kyungsoo knew his body better than anyone; he noticed the slightest changes each time Jongin returned. Sometimes it would be something as subtle as a small new cut, or just the fact that Jongin seemed more toned, teenage litheness giving way to coils of muscle that rolled beneath his bronzed skin with each carefully calculated movement. Other times it was obvious; Jongin coming home with a tattoo; thick black markings that were foreign to Kyungsoo snaking around his shoulder and across his chest. Jongin never told him what it meant, and he never asked. He never had to. Kyungsoo never asked what Jongin did anymore either, and Jongin never offered. It was easier that way, the guilt of knowing too heavy to bear as Kyungsoo sailed to the top of his classes.

Having Jongin around was hard. Having him gone was harder. It left Kyungsoo alone in the house, the only noise, aside from his own breathing, the ticking of the clock. He had once admired the sound, but it soon seemed to taunt him; to count the minutes until Jongin would return, then count the seconds until he left. Kyungsoo couldn’t bear it. It was why one night he looked down at his hands to see them covered in blood, dripping onto the hardwood and making a gentle plinking sound as they struck pieces of broken glass scattered about the floor. They mixed with the tears falling gently after, diluting to a translucent pink. The clock, now smashed beyond repair, lay a few feet away, hands snapped and gears torn out. It was finally silent.

Kyungsoo had hoped that the quiet would be better, but it was much, much worse. It left him alone with his thoughts, left him to the mercy of the nights where all he could do was remember. He remembered the times when Jongin was there often. He remembered the shape of his lips as they whispered his name, and the way he would tug sometimes a little too roughly on Kyungsoo’s hair when they would lay tangled in bed together, enjoying the first night of Jongin’s return. He remembered how Jongin’s favorite phrase, second only to ‘I love you’, became “If I go jail tonight, promise me you’ll bail me out” and he remembered the times when he came through on that promise. More than anything, however, Kyungsoo remembered the uncertainty, how even when he was ‘back’, Jongin would often leave at night and return in the morning, no telling when he would just disappear again and how long he would be gone for. He had long since given up on texting Kyungsoo every day, and Kyungsoo had given up on waiting for his call, knowing that it wouldn’t come.

Still, Jongin knew where to draw the lines. He never came home smelling of someone else’s cologne, never raised a hand against Kyungsoo in a way that he didn’t want. Not once did Kyungsoo doubt Jongin’s loyalty, not once did he flinch when Jongin stepped towards him during an argument. Because there were many things Jongin wasn’t honest about, but when he told Kyungsoo he loved him, there was nothing but truth in the words, and there too many things that Kyungsoo loved about Jongin in return. He loved the way it felt to be held in his arms; how it was something he could count on when the rest of the world refused to be settled. He loved the way Jongin would smirk at him each time he walked through the door, the way he would pull Kyungsoo into a kiss that tasted of liquor and cigarettes. Jongin was an addiction Kyungsoo could never beat, and he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to try. 

~ ~ ~

Jongin wasn’t there for Kyungsoo’s graduation. He had hoped he would be. Baekhyun and Chanyeol weren’t either, but Kyungsoo could understand that. They had their own ceremony to attend, one that he wished he could have witnessed. He would bet any amount of money that Baekhyun cried. Minseok technically wasn’t graduating, but he had called to congratulate Kyungsoo earlier from where he was docked, off on some sort of field trip that involved spending weeks at sea. Minseok had sounded ecstatic, even through his exhaustion, and Kyungsoo had spent the rest of the day smiling, glad that he was enjoying his job. Still, though he understood his friends’ reasons for not being able to attend, it left him alone. There was no rambunctious cheering when he accepted his diploma, no crushing hugs when he returned backstage, no celebration waiting for him when he got home. There was nothing. Kyungsoo thought he would be disappointed, but the only thing he felt was elation. Because despite the sleepless nights, despite his affiliation with the illegal underground, Kyungsoo had done the one thing he had promised himself he would do. With his achievement came more goals. He would rein in the disaster that was his city. He would reclaim the streets he grew up on. He would have the head of every last gang member at his feet. All but one, that is.

Kyungsoo was sleeping when the lock on the door rattled, the muffled sound of jingling keys being followed by the tap of shoes on the floor. He didn’t dare move, eyes staring up at his bedroom ceiling, barely even breathing. It took five minutes of summoning his courage to leave the bed, padding through the hallway to peek around the wall.

Jongin looked different. He always did. His hair was now a light brown, sitting atop his head in a messy undercut with no trace of the platinum blonde Kyungsoo had come to love. A cigarette sat between his lips, the smoke curling up past scowling face as his eyes scanned a stack of paper. He was wearing a shirt he must have bought while he was away, since Kyungsoo didn’t recognize it, and the sleeves were rolled up to reveal the marred, tan skin underneath. Kyungsoo could remember the many times he had been held by those exact arms. A tie hung loosely from his neck, and Kyungsoo’s eyes caught the suit that now lay slung over the back of the couch. Kyungsoo stared at him silently for a few moments, appreciating what he had been starved of for so long. Finally he spoke, in a voice so soft he wasn’t sure if he would be heard.

“Jongin.”

At his name he looked up, a smile plucking at the corners of his lips, extinguishing the cigarette against the sink. “Hey.” Stepping forward, he enveloped Kyungsoo in a tight hug, crushing his body to his chest. He leaned back, fingers lifting Kyungsoo’s chin to press a hungry kiss against his lips. His touches soon had Kyungsoo pressing closer, because he didn’t want this, but it felt too good, and it had been too long. Jongin spun them, stepping forward so Kyungsoo was backed up against an island. _Stop this_ , Kyungsoo told himself, but it was him that pushed for more, tongue lapping at Jongin’s skin as his fingers gripped tightly to arms that he could no longer wrap his hands around. Jongin hummed against his skin, fingers slipping under the soft, oversized sweater Kyungsoo had slipped on after he left bed. _Stop this_ , Kyungsoo thought again, but Jongin was too addicting, too inviting. Because though his body was sturdier and his hair had changed, Jongin’s lips still felt the same against Kyungsoo’s skin, and his eyes still looked upon him with fondly, no room for doubt in between the love and longing. Kyungsoo wanted to enjoy it, before it was taken from him again.

And it was that thought that had him pushing Jongin away, eyes searching his face. Jongin just smirked, leaning back in to pepper kisses across Kyungsoo’s jaw.

“Wait.” Perhaps it was the seriousness of Kyungsoo’s tone, or the way his hands pressed almost desperately against his chest, but Jongin froze, leaning back to frown down at Kyungsoo. There was a moment of silence that neither threatened to break before Kyungsoo sighed, looking at Jongin’s lips rather than his eyes. His voice was barely a whisper, but when he spoke, it filled the space between them, crushing the air out of Kyungsoo’s chest. “I can’t.”

There was an even heavier silence after he said the words, Jongin’s eyes narrowing. “What-” he began, though he was interrupted before he could even think of what to say.

“I _can’t_ , Jongin,” Kyungsoo repeated, throat burning as he fought to hold back the first wave of tears, “I’m done. I have nothing more to give.”

“Kyungsoo.” Jongin’s voice was quiet but powerful; Kyungsoo had heard the tone before when Jongin was on the phone, but never directed at him. It scared him a little.

“I’m tired.” Kyungsoo closed his eyes, unable to look at Jongin’s hurt and angry expression any longer. It was, however, only the truth that he spoke. He was tired. He was tired of waiting for Jongin to come home, tired of waking up alone, tired of counting the seconds until he would disappear once more. “I… I think you should move out.”

Kyungsoo cracked his eyes open, watching Jongin’s throat work up and down. He had always been distant, and Kyungsoo had thought he could hand it, but this? This was unbearable. Maybe it was just Kyungsoo’s infatuation that had let them last so long; maybe they had been broken right from the start.

Jongin stared at Kyungsoo for a long while, watching silent tears make trails down his face. Finally he spoke, his voice holding a low intensity that made Kyungsoo shiver. “Do you love me?”

It was a question he had asked many times before. When times were bad, when Kyungsoo was upset or crying or overwhelmed. _Do you love me?_ And even when his eyes were stinging and red, and his face was splotchy and his lip trembled, Kyungsoo would sniffle and wipe the tears from his cheeks and smile weakly. _Always._ Jongin would grin and embrace him, stroking his hair. _Then we can make it work._

“I’m not playing that game, not now.” Kyungsoo whispered, arms wrapping around his shaking body.

“Do you?” Jongin repeated, stepping forward. There was no softness in his voice now, and his hands rested against the counter on either side of Kyungsoo, gripping tightly onto the marble. He was close, too close, but Kyungsoo made no move to push him away, even when his mind screamed at him to. Instead, he just squeezed his eyes together tightly, head tipped back.

“No.” It was said with the ghost of a voice, but the impact made Jongin’s face darken in a way that terrified Kyungsoo. He was no longer Jongin; now the person standing before him was Kai. But he had been Kai for a long time now, and Kyungsoo wondered how he ever failed to notice, caught up in his own captivation.

“ _Liar_ ,” Kai growled, lip curling into a scowl. Kyungsoo’s body shook slightly, knuckles white as his gripped onto himself, trying to hold the pieces that he could feel himself shattering into together.

“I don’t love you anymore.” He whimpered; the world remaining silent for a moment without the clock to break up the quiet. Then he felt Kai’s hungry lips on his own, felt the rough tugs on his hair, the strong hand cupping his jaw.

“You love me.” Kai's voice was edging on desperate, and Kyungsoo could feel his hot breath panting against his lips, feel the way their foreheads pressed together much alike to the way Jongin had done it so many times before. There was no gentleness in his eyes now, no coy smile or soft chuckle.

“I don't. I stopped somewhere between never knowing where the hell you are and never knowing when you'd leave once you came back. I'm _done_.” Kyungsoo remembered the time when he was in Minseok’s room, when he had told Yixing that he could never hate what Jongin was. He had said it with the certainty that only a naïve and wildly in love adolescent could have, and it scared Kyungsoo how much he had been wrong. He didn’t hate Jongin, but he hated what he had become, and it hurt too much now, hurt more than the pain of not having Jongin at all. Perhaps it was that that finally allowed him to say it. “Please, just go. I can’t do this anymore.”

Jongin froze, lips hovering an inch over Kyungsoo’s skin. Kyungsoo had sounded so small, so scared, so _broken_. He pushed off of the counter, wiping his mouth as he eyed Kyungsoo carefully. Kyungsoo allowed his eyes to open, sliding down the island until he sat between Jongin’s legs, back pressing against the cupboards. Through his blurred vision he watched Jongin grab his papers and coat, casting one more look back at Kyungsoo before he slammed the door, and then he was gone.

Kyungsoo remembered when he first laid eyes on Jongin. He remembered the unkempt hair, the wolfish smile that sent the blood rushing to his face. He remembered the times when he whispered his name, the times when he thought Kyungsoo was asleep and would murmur ‘I love you’ too many times to count. He remembered the pride on his face as Kyungsoo walked the stage at graduation, and how he had made him close his eyes as they approached their apartment for the first time, revealing it with a “tada!”

Then he was gone, and Kyungsoo was left sitting in the kitchen crying, fingers shaking in the empty air as he reached out for what he should have let go of years ago.

~ ~ ~

It was Jongdae that finally knocked on Kyungsoo’s door, after three days of silence. He was older than Kyungsoo, and had befriended him soon after he was assigned a post in the downtown area. He was as attractive as he was nice, and had a face that could pass for both a high school playboy and a wealthy business man. His high cheekbones and thick lashes had earned him the nickname ‘camel’ between his group of friends, but Kyungsoo could never bring himself to call him that. Though Jongdae was older than him, his straight, sloping eyebrows made his entire face have a sort of naivety that Kyungsoo found endearing, and he often had the urge to take care of the other.

It hadn’t been long before Jongdae had convinced management to allow him to be Kyungsoo’s mentor; the final stage of training before he would be out on his own. They had already been out in the field countless times in the few weeks they had been partnered, and Jongdae had done his very best to make sure Kyungsoo knew the job inside and out. It was no surprise that he was the first to notice Kyungsoo’s absence; despite his friendly exterior, Jongdae took his job seriously, and didn’t tolerate any slacking from either of them. Kyungsoo knew he would have to go into work eventually; for someone so new to the force, it didn’t look good to miss days so soon after joining. Still, he had barely managed to shower and eat in the days after Jongin left.

“You look awful.” It had taken Jongdae five minutes to even convince Kyungsoo to open the door, but Kyungsoo was at once glad for his company. Jongdae always knew what to say in every situation, even if it wasn’t what Kyungsoo wanted to hear. “What happened? You’ve been off the radar for days.”

Kyungsoo stared down at the mug he held between his hands, watching the bubbles swirl around in the hot chocolate. “I broke up with Jongin,” he said at last, causing another wave of sorrow to crash over his mind. Part of him had been convinced that it had been a dream, that Jongin would walk back through the door and it would all be forgotten. Saying it out loud had opened the wound fresh all over again, in a way that was undeniable. His eyes flicked up to Jongdae’s face, watching his mouth fall open slightly and his eyebrows draw together. Though Kyungsoo trusted him, he had avoided speaking of Jongin, giving little information even when Jongdae pried. It was risky enough without Kyungsoo letting others in on his deadly secret, so Jongdae had every right to be surprised when the first thing out of Kyungsoo’s mouth was about his mysterious boyfriend.

“I’m so sorry,” Jongdae breathed, coming to sit beside Kyungsoo on the couch. He didn’t, as Kyungsoo had hoped, pull him into a hug, but rather just take one of his hands and hold it tightly between his own. He said nothing more, letting Kyungsoo sort his thoughts into sentences he needed to say.

“It _hurts_ ,” Kyungsoo cried, pulling his legs against his chest. He didn’t like Jongdae seeing him like this, sniffling and fighting back tears. It made him feel less like a proud, strong officer and more like the childish teenager he once was. His fingers dug into the skin of his chest, trying to rid himself of the deathly ache that had settled within his rib cage. “It hurts so much.”

“Maybe now.” It was then that Jongdae finally pulled Kyungsoo closer, slinging an arm over his shoulders in a way that was more friendly than intimate. “But it will fade. You will regrow, Kyungsoo, I know it. Even if it feels like you will never get over him, you will. Perhaps not entirely, but enough that it will no longer suffocate you. Then one day you will wake up and realize that all your broken pieces have managed to come back together. You are strong, Kyungsoo. I know you can make it to that day.”

“No.” Kyungsoo’s head shook fervently, knowing he could never do it. “I lied, Jongdae.” At this, Jongdae frowned, bewilderment narrowing his eyes in a silent question. “I told him I didn’t love him anymore.” Kyungsoo’s voice cracked on each syllable, the words tasting like poison on his tongue. It hurt more, saying them a second time. He buried his face into his knees, voice weak between the sobs that shook his body. “But I do.”

“I still love him.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe that I have to get up early tomorrow?!? I woke up at 2 today. TWO PM. This is so rude, honestly.  
> Wow it feels like I've been posting chapters for like a day, I can't believe we're on 13 already. ;_;  
> I do have other chapters that I adore, but obviously I can't tell you because that would mean spoilers.

Kyungsoo worked. It was all he could do. His days were filled with paperwork and research, and his nights were endless expanses of streets, arrests and investigations, all blending together until he got home and passed out from exhaustion. It was easier this way, hurt less. He didn’t have to think about Jongin when he was constantly moving, and his sleeps were mostly dream free. The only time he did was less of a dream and more of a memory, stuck on repeat. It started with Kyungsoo sitting at the island, Baekhyun’s frowning face taking up the entirety of his vision. He was angry, though Kyungsoo was never able to remember why. _You can’t go on like this, Kyungsoo_ , Baekhyun would say, _you’ve got one foot on the force and the other in jail. Something has got to give, and I’m scared it’s going to be you._ Kyungsoo always reached out for him, trying to console his angry friend, but Baekhyun moved further away, and his hands would grasp empty air. The dream always ended with Baekhyun walking out, not once looking back, and Kyungsoo would wake up with tears soaking his pillow.

Constantly working allowed Kyungsoo to move up quickly through the ranks of the force. He flourished at headquarters, growing and filling the company as a reciprocal of his own hollowness. He climbed until his bosses became his workers, climbed until there was only work and coffee, instant noodles and microwave dinners the only thing getting him through sleepless nights. With his growth came new opportunities, new information.

“We are doing our best to track and infiltrate a number of gangs that operate within the city,” Kyungsoo found himself saying into countless microphones. The meetings and interviews were all the same to him; piles of reporters pestering for information he would not give. Still, he had become somewhat of a public figure, and thus was expected to attend the press conferences and pander to the ever thirsty interviewers and news correspondents. “Already we have taken down numerous inner rings, and have plans to further the investigations. Our force will stop at nothing to reclaim the streets you know and love, and end the many crimes that have begun to blossom in the underground. That is all I can say about the matter, thank you.”

It was never in Kyungsoo’s nature to lie. It was why he so despised speaking to the public, why each time he had to assure the citizens that they had it under control he felt slightly sick afterwards. Because though they were trying their best, and though they had had some success taking down a few drug operations, they were all conducted by low level members, and Kyungsoo was left no closer to finding the top dogs that were behind it all. It frustrated him to no end. He had done his duties; pulled all-nighters and breathed coffee and stayed late at the office more often than he should, and yet he had nothing to show for it. It was a disheartening game of cat and mouse, teasing Kyungsoo with something just out of his reach. There were dead-end cases, trails snipped off at the bud. Whoever had been operating was playing puppet master; a role that was being handled all too well, buffering himself at the expense of the expendable. There was too much violence over nothing; too many decoys, too many ‘loose ends’ that had been found marinating in a pool of their own blood. There was fighting within the gangs just as much as there was against the police. In recent months, Kyungsoo had heard one name over all others; a group that had recently taken over the underground and were as elusive as they were powerful. They had earned the name Vanguard, and had an iron grasp over the drug trade that poisoned the city, operating with cruel efficiency and calculation from within the shadows. No expense had been sacrificed in trying to track them down, and yet there were very few leads that brought them closer; evidence snuffed out before it could be a liability. 

Kyungsoo, it appeared, was not the only one moving up through the ranks. By the time his twenties had waned and he began his third decade of life, one name dominated the list of most wanted people. Kyungsoo had watched it climb through the list, sleeping less and less with each number it ascended. It was a name that spoke of power and cruelty, a name that had claimed its throne and now plucked on the strings of the underground with practiced fingers. Kai. It had been an impressive feat to get the name at all, and had taken days of stake outs and wirings. Nobody seemed to have ever seen the man, nor had they heard even a murmur about his location, connections, anything that would give hints at how to take him down. He was but a whisper in the underground, a ghost feared by both his opposition and his friends. He was dangerous.

It was him that headquarters fought to incarcerate, him that was at the end of the trail of dead bodies, littered like bread crumbs throughout the city’s alleyways. The losses weren’t only from the illicit, either. Kyungsoo watched many of his peers pay with their life in bloody shootouts, others making it out alive but only just. As a high officer, Kyungsoo wasn’t technically supposed to be part of the vicious battles that made a war zone of the city, but it was him who organized most of the infiltrations, him who held the burden of each life lost, and he’d be damned if he treated _his_ officers as expendable. He promised himself that he would not sink to that level, that he would take every risk that he exposed others to. 

Then there came a time when it was him who was struck by a rogue bullet, tearing through his flesh just inches above his vest. It was funny, really; how they required him to wear such unwieldly gear, and yet even with it on he could only stay standing a second more before collapsing hard onto the cold floor of the warehouse, his life dripping out of his chest. Kyungsoo gasped, each breath not deep enough, the air too thin at the same time that it was cloying. His jaw clenched at each burning twitch of his arm, acutely aware of the pain in his shoulder though he could feel the tips of his fingers beginning to go numb. His hair clung to the blood on his forehead from where his head had hit the ground, vision fuzzy as his cheek pressed against the cool concrete. There were a few more minutes of chaos before the world went still, the only sound distant yelling. Though Kyungsoo’s vision was blurred and black spots began to swim before his eyes, he could make out a pair of shoes walking towards him, stopping before his face. It was only another second before hands grabbed roughly onto his shirt and hair, hauling him onto his knees. Kyungsoo blinked, trying to clear his eyes of the blood that had trickled down his face, but even then the world was unintelligible, white edging what little sight he retained. He felt hands on either side holding his arms tightly, but they seemed to have the use of keeping him upright rather than holding him down. It was all he could do to hold his head up, though it tilted to the side in utter defeat. Kyungsoo felt the smooth snout of a gun pressed against his temple, still warm from use. He heard the inner mechanisms clicking as it was cocked, felt the hands tightening their hold on his arms, and then, 

Nothing.

The gun retracted from his head slowly, tacky blood smeared across its barrel. The hands remained, though their hold was looser now, unsure. Footsteps echoed over the smooth concrete, soft but rapid. The sounds stopped before Kyungsoo, and though he could no longer keep his eyes open, he picked up pieces of conversation through his dimming consciousness. 

“Leave him,” a gruff voice ordered, and at once the grip on his arms was released, and Kyungsoo slumped to the floor, shivering. He felt cold, each raspy breath sending shocks of pain through his otherwise numb body. 

“We should finish him off.” Another argued as multiple sets of feet tapped away from him. “He’s high level, a liability. We could save ourselves a world of trouble. Besides, at this rate he’s going to die anyways before anyone makes any ground-” 

“ _Leave him._ ” The voice was no longer soft, and its growl crackled at the edges like a hungry fire. “Do not make me ask you again.” There was a deep sigh, though Kyungsoo could not tell who it had been from. Something loomed over him, gently poking at his wounds. “It is not as bad as it looks. We are leaving. Now. His friends will find him.” 

There was a certain edge to the voice with the last sentence, something that could have been either pain or bitterness. Possibly both. Kyungsoo listened to the last pairs of shoes click away from him, though not comprehending the sound beneath the heavy, cold blanket that weighed upon his mind. He wanted to call out, wanted to be found before it was too late, but his limbs felt heavy, and he could barely breathe let alone yell. With a sigh, Kyungsoo relaxed against the concrete, his heartbeats counting down the seconds until he finally succumbed to the darkness.

~ ~ ~

_Beep._

There were voices. They spoke in hushed tones, as if they feared to disturb the cool air. 

_Beep._

It smelled weird here, and from what Kyungsoo could tell through his closed eyelids, it was bright; fluorescent lights most likely to blame. He tried to get a sense of his surroundings, to make out the strange feelings mingling in his mind. He was lying down, wrapped in sheets that were soft but thin. His chest ached for reasons unknown, but the pain was dull, muted. 

_Beep._

There were pillows nestled under Kyungsoo’s head, holding him so that he was at the point that was just above laying and just under sitting. He probed with his mind, feeling his feet, legs, arms, until he got to his hands. Someone was touching him, holding on as if he would slip away. 

_Beep._

Kyungsoo frowned, irritated by the constant beeping. His eyes fluttered open, squinting as he adjusted to the room’s brightness. He had been right; there were bright lights taking up a majority of the ceiling, spewing white light that made his head throb. 

“Kyungsoo.” A voice to his left made his head turn, and he was surprised to see Jongdae sitting in a chair, gripping onto his hand. He looked awful; dark circles under his eyes and hair sticking up in different directions. Kyungsoo tried to say his name, to ask what was going on, but the moment he tried to speak he coughed, his throat dry and raw. “Don’t speak. Take it easy. I’ll tell you everything I know.” 

Kyungsoo nodded, obeying meekly to Jongdae for the time being. He usually listened because Jongdae was strong, imposing even, but now it was merely the fact that Jongdae looked ready to blow away like a dandelion at any stray breeze that Kyungsoo did what he was told without resistance. Jongdae ran one hand through his hair, leaning back in his chair though his grip on Kyungsoo’s hand never loosened. He held out a glass of water as an offering, and Kyungsoo took it gratefully.

“Where do I even begin?” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You were shot. Do you remember that?” Kyungsoo nodded, mouth pressed into a grim line. “You were so far ahead, and everything was chaos. I was sure we had lost you. There was no way that we could have pushed Vanguard back in time to get to you. And then they…” Jongdae frowned, clearly having not yet sorted out for himself what had happened, “They just retreated. They left. It doesn’t make sense.” 

He shook his head, looking up at the ceiling as if it held the answers he sought. “It doesn’t make sense.” He repeated, eyes flicking to look at Kyungsoo. “They were _winning_. One moment I am about to call for a retreat, the next,” Jongdae gestured into the empty air, his palm face up, “poof. They vanish. I would have looked for them, but I wanted to find you first. You were a complete mess. You almost died, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo set the now empty glass back on the table beside his bed, mind whirring too fast for speech to catch up. “Nobody found anything at the scene? No evidence?” His voice sounded strange in his own ears, gravelly and thin from disuse. He coughed, wincing at the flare of pain in his torso. 

“Nothing.” Jongdae snorted, his nose wrinkling up in distaste. “They completely vanished, off the radar, no trace left behind. It’s so frustrating.”

Kyungsoo himself had felt such bitterness, slaving over what meager evidence the Vanguard left behind for hours on end, only to have it turn out useless. Both sides were extremely good at what they did, and it was a race, each waiting for the other to slip up. 

“Did anyone else get hurt?” Kyungsoo squirmed, the constant discomfort in his torso growing into an itching pain. 

“No.” Kyungsoo nodded briskly at the reply, content. They had lost too many men recently, and he hated to think of the countless lives affected, the countless families destroyed. Maybe he would slow down on the direct conflicts with the gangs. He hated to do it, feeling like they were getting closer, but he couldn’t afford to bear the weight of another life on his conscience. “Well, a couple have bullet wounds, but they were minor. You were the one everyone was worried about. If it’s starting to hurt, you can press the little button above your bed.” Kyungsoo’s eyes followed where Jongdae pointed, nearly sighing in relief when he found it. “It will make you sleepy though, so I’ll probably head out. I just wanted to be here when you woke up.”

"Has anyone else come?” Though Kyungsoo didn’t want any of his friends to see him in such an awful state, he secretly hoped that they had visited him in his comatose state, that he still meant enough to them to take time out of their busy lives. Jongdae smirked, one eyebrow cocked in amusement. 

“Some kid named Minseok did a few times, and your friend Baekhyun and his boyfriend came almost every day. Little spitfire, isn’t he?” Jongdae stood up as Kyungsoo pressed the button, waiting to feel the effects of the medicine. He stood by Kyungsoo’s bed until his eyelids began to feel heavy, blissful numbness reclaiming his chest. 

“Can you call them?” he pleaded, words slurred with drowsiness, “Tell them I’m ok?” Jongdae nodded, giving Kyungsoo’s hand one last squeeze before sauntering over to the door. He truly looked tired, no longer the rigid, proud man Kyungsoo had once known him as. Now his shoulders sagged with lack of sleep, unshaven face making him look haggard. He had been wasting away while Kyungsoo slept on, unaware of his friends turmoil. “Jongdae, one more thing.” He stopped on the threshold of Kyungsoo’s room, tilting his head as an invitation to continue. “How long have I been asleep?” 

At this, Jongdae tensed, his eyes falling to his feet. He didn’t speak for a long moment, hands fiddling with the sleeve of shirt, and when he spoke, his voice sounded weathered, worn around the edges. “Ten days.” Then he was gone, shutting the door softly. Kyungsoo stared at where he had been, the image of his desolate face burned into his mind. 

~ ~ ~

If Kyungsoo had been buried in work before, now he was simply drowning in it. It was, of course, all his own doing; the moment Kyungsoo had healed and been discharged from the hospital, he threw himself even more into the investigations. He was good at letting the days slip by, blurring into weeks and months until the memories had numbed themselves. Others would have taken it easy. Others would have eased out of the direct conflicts, would have let their mind heal once their body had. Kyungsoo, however, couldn’t do that. Some thought it was anger the drove him on; the fire of revenge burning in his mind, but it was, in fact, the opposite. Kyungsoo had been so close to Vanguard. He had listened to them, felt their fingers on his skin. He still felt the barrel of their gun pressed against his temple, still felt their hands tighten on his arms when the click of the gun sounded. It reminded him of his goal, renewed his energy for the hunt. His injury was just payment for such an exclusive opportunity; a minor setback. This was, at least, the reason that Kyungsoo told anyone who asked. It wasn’t lying, per say, but it was not the entire truth. The rest would instigate questions that he was not ready to answer; it would unearth memories that he was happy to leave in the past. The rest still hurt to think about, and it was easier to focus on work, to avoid the aching in his chest that no bullet had caused.

Nobody understood his isolation. They didn’t understand why he was always at the office, nor why he had remained single for as long as he had been on the force. It was not as if he hadn’t had offers, but after the first few, Kyungsoo had gotten robotic, a polite rejection that was said with an emotionless face. Nobody understood why Kyungsoo did many things, but he didn’t blame them. How could they understand, if they didn’t know? They didn’t know about the unmarked sums of money that still came on the mail every couple of months, increasing in size after his encounter with the Vanguard, rather than sputtering out like he assumed. They didn’t know about the black cars that sometimes followed him on the walk home when he left the office in the early hours of the morning, and the streets were dark and deserted. They didn’t know that he had been spared by the most notorious gang in the region, that he had breathed his own blood and felt his body dissolve into nothing, and they had looked upon him and let him live. 

But most of all, they didn’t know that Kyungsoo still woke up in the middle of the night, thinking he could hear the familiar click of expensive shoes against the hallway floor, and he couldn’t get back to sleep because his bed felt too big for just him. There was no more heat to snuggle into, no arms pulling him against a chest when he awoke from a nightmare, and it emptied Kyungsoo in a way that he didn’t know was possible. Jongin had left fingerprints on the surface of who he was, and no matter how hard he tried, Kyungsoo just couldn’t quite seem to scrub them off.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So right now I'm writing something, and lemme tell you, it's nothing like anything I've posted so far. That being said, I'm posting now rather than when I finish because tbh I needed a break.  
> Fun fact, Chapters 15-17 were originally just supposed to be one chapter. That was all I had plotted out for. Idk what happened.

Kyungsoo’s phone buzzed on the counter beside the bathroom sink. He eyed it disinterestedly, knowing that it was most likely a text from Baekhyun to “hurry your ass up” or “I’m _aging_ , Kyungsoo”. He leaned down closer to the sink, splashing water onto his face in an attempt to make himself look at least somewhat presentable. It was just Baekhyun he was going out with, so he didn’t really care that much, but it was still nice to pretend like he was still whole. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, wondering when he had grown into someone he didn’t recognize. He could see ghosts of his past self, woven through his face; his small frame, round eyes, and plump lips all singing testimony to the boy he once was. He could, however, also see how different he appeared. There were lines drawn into his face where there hadn’t been before, his mouth forgoing bright smile to set into a grim line. Even Kyungsoo could see how hollow he looked, adolescent naivety all but sucked from his mind. Whether it was time or Jongin that had left him like this, he was unsure. 

Another text send his phone vibrating against the counter, and Kyungsoo sighed, realizing he couldn’t put it off any longer. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to gain some semblance of being okay. Even after he had managed to put all his pieces back together, his brokenness still bled through the cracks, so he didn’t bother trying to wear a façade, knowing Baekhyun would see through it right away anyways. 

As it was, Baekhyun said nothing about Kyungsoo’s obvious state of tiredness, knowing that he would shed it once he had some life pumped back into him. He grinned, pretending to be annoyed at Kyungsoo’s late timing at the same time that he was bouncing on the spot with eagerness. Kyungsoo wondered if some people just never grew out of their youthful skin, or if Baekhyun was special. He wouldn’t be surprised either way. 

“It has been forever,” Baekhyun commented, crushing Kyungsoo to his chest. It was a familiar action, and Kyungsoo let himself smile at it. It had been a long time, Kyungsoo knew, and he felt mildly apologetic. He would still be working if it weren’t for Baekhyun’s insistence that he take a few days off, and his ‘insistence’ had been comprised mostly of threats and whining. It wasn’t long before Kyungsoo yielded, but he found himself lost in the hours of the day, not having work to occupy his mind. It was a blessing that Baekhyun had also ‘insisted’ that they meet up, not letting what little time Kyungsoo was available go to waste. 

Though by then both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun had cars, they opted to travel by bus into the city, letting nostalgia lead their conversation as they passed stores, old and new. As usual, Baekhyun hadn’t really made any plans for the day, letting their meanders be decided by fate. It wasn’t long until they found themselves withholding their long standing tradition, and sat at a familiar table in a familiar ice cream shop. The normality of it all was almost unsettling to Kyungsoo, and he wondered just how long it had been since he had been so peaceful. His eyes watched people walk by on the street, each one different from the last.

“What are you thinking about?” Baekhyun’s question snapped Kyungsoo from his day dreaming, and he blinked, not having heard the question. “You look lost in thought.”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo himself didn’t really know what he had been thinking about, letting his mind wander without restraint. He grinned slyly. “Just how lucky I am to have a friend like you.”

Baekhyun snorted, rolling his eyes at the compliment. “Liar.”

Kyungsoo froze, the word unearthing a flurry of emotions he didn’t want to feel, memories he didn’t want to relive. He cleared his throat, putting on his best innocent face. After years of working undercover and interrogations, he was excellent at hiding his feelings under a blank mask. “No, really. I forgot how much I enjoy spending time with you.” Though his face was false, the words were true, and Baekhyun grinned, letting it inflate his ego just a little bit. “It’s been so long.” Kyungsoo hummed, trying to calculate just how long it had been. “I missed it. We should all get everyone together again. You, me, Minseok, Chanyeol. I feel bad for being so unavailable.”

Baekhyun’s mouth dropped open, staring at Kyungsoo with wide eyes as he slowly set his spoon back down into the bowl. “You don’t know?” he breathed, his tone making Kyungsoo’s smile falter. “You really don’t know?” Baekhyun seemed disbelieving, oblivious to Kyungsoo’s silent pleas for elaboration. “I thought, you of all people… oh, Kyungsoo.”

“What is it?” Kyungsoo was both scared and curious; it wasn’t often that Baekhyun didn’t have a smile on his face, and even more rare that he looked as desolate as he did now. “Baekhyun, tell me.”

There was a tense moment where all Baekhyun did was take deep breaths, and when he spoke, his voice was soft, words coming out slowly. “Kyungsoo,” he could see Baekhyun’s throat working as he swallowed, and felt his fingers slip between his own. “Minseok is dead.”

Kyungsoo just stared, not quite able to process the words. It took him a few seconds before he did, mouth dropping open. “No…” he shook his head. It couldn’t be true; he would have known about it. He was on the police force, he was dealing with high cases, he knew _everything_. “No.”

The hand intertwined with Kyungsoo’s tightened, and when he met Baekhyun’s eyes, he could see the tears brimming in them. “Kyungsoo, I’m so sorry. I thought you knew.”

“When?” Kyungsoo closed his eyes, trying to picture all of the cases he had been appointed to. 

“Less than a year ago. Seven months?” Baekhyun frowned, as if trying to remember the date was just as painful as it had been when he found out. It probably was. 

_Seven months_. Kyungsoo desperately tried to remember anything he had heard seven months ago. There had been a case about human trafficking, but he knew that neither Minseok nor Yixing could have been involved. There was the shipment of drugs that they had intercepted, though only after a vicious battle with the importers. There didn’t seem to be anything of relevance until Kyungsoo remembered a case that he had not personally been on, but had seen the file on one of his coworker’s desk. It had partially been covered by other papers, and was covered in messy scribbled notes, and Kyungsoo had dismissed it; he had his own cases to focus on. It had been a public shooting involving two gangs, which wasn’t uncommon, and had only made the news for the absolute destruction it had caused. There had been casualties on both sides, and had taken place in a crowded area. There were about a dozen citizens struck, five of which had to be hospitalized, two succumbing to their wounds later on. Kyungsoo had brushed it off with a “such a shame”. 

Baekhyun looked around, thankful that the shop was all but deserted. Kyungsoo was quickly becoming a mess, throat working up and down as he struggled to fight back tears. He was trembling, his fingers limp. It was a familiar sight for Baekhyun; after all, he had been in the same state himself when he heard the news, sent through a text by Yixing, and once more when he had told Chanyeol. Kyungsoo opened his eyes to see Baekhyun staring at him, waiting to see what he would do. Kyungsoo just breathed deeply, trying to steady himself though he could feel his resolve chipping with every passing second.

He was gone. Minseok, who had gotten mad at his door on the first day of school. Minseok, who used to blush as easily as he smiled, who had been entranced by the ocean and all it held, who had comforted Kyungsoo when he was breaking apart, was gone, and Kyungsoo had been too caught in work to even notice. 

“Do you want to go home?” Baekhyun offered, knowing how he himself had needed _weeks_ to recover from the news. Kyungsoo nodded, letting his friend pull him to his feet and walk him out the door. It wasn’t fair. Not to him, not to Minseok, not to Yixing.

_“I love him, Kyungsoo.”_

Not a single word fell from Kyungsoo’s lips as they waited for the bus to take them back to his apartment. Not during the walk to the building, not as they rose the elevator up to his floor. He was as silent as death. 

_“With me, Minseok isn’t safe. Not now, not ever.”_

Baekhyun didn’t try to make Kyungsoo talk. He could understand the turmoil erupting behind the blank mask he wore; he himself had felt its claws tear through his chest. He was just thankful that they made it into Kyungsoo’s apartment before his resolve shattered, guiding Kyungsoo to the couch where he collapsed, his body shaking.

_“If something happened to him because of me, I don’t know what I would do. It would absolutely destroy me.”_

Neither of them spoke, letting the space be dominated by the sound of the kettle, bubbling away obliviously. Baekhyun draped a blanket over Kyungsoo, fingers seeking out Kyungsoo’s hand. There was a moment of numbness as their eyes connected, then Kyungsoo felt something drip down his cheeks, Baekhyun squeezing his hand. The sight had ripped open the scar all over again, and he too could no longer hold back the tears, hand raising to his mouth to stifle the sobs.

_“But, at the same time, I could never leave him. I couldn’t do that to him; I couldn’t do that to me. Even if he deserves more than I can give. Even if it puts him in danger.”_

Kyungsoo couldn’t help his thoughts from wandering to Yixing. Did he regret the path that had brought them thus far, or was he grateful for the fleeting moments he had spent with his love? Was he as broken as Kyungsoo felt, edges fraying into a tangle of pain and remorse? Was his blackened heart charred beyond recognition, bleeding from the recoil of snuffing out the little flame that had been Minseok? The thoughts opened up wounds that Kyungsoo had thought were healed, wounds born from giggles and touches, from late mornings and later nights. 

“Please.” He breathed to no one in particular, feeling Baekhyun shake beside him, “Please.” He wasn’t sure exactly what he was begging for; only that it would free him from the dagger grinding into his chest. He thought he had wrenched it free long ago. Had he not bled enough already?

There shared a few minutes of quiet before Kyungsoo felt Baekhyun still beside him, breaths deep and even. He shifted slightly, sliding his phone from his pocket to text Chanyeol that Baekhyun was safe and most likely staying at his house for the night. The world had stopped, and his apartment was softened with a blissful stillness that only seemed to come around when its occupants were shattered. Kyungsoo sniffled; staring down at Baekhyun’s sleeping form with red eyes. Despite himself, he smiled, having cried out all his sadness until all that was left was exhaustion and appreciation. He could keep Baekhyun safe. It gave him an odd sense of comfort knowing that he was the one at the greatest risk of danger, not having to worry about Baekhyun and Chanyeol like he did Minseok. It was a small mercy, but one that kept Kyungsoo’s head just an inch above water. He was good at suffering quietly, turning his sorrow into ferocity, and aiming that ferocity at his work. Perhaps it wasn’t the healthiest thing, but Kyungsoo had better things to worry about than his mental state. He had people to protect; he promised that the moment he accepted his badge. If not for Baekhyun and Chanyeol and Jongdae, then for Minseok.

~ ~ ~

A knock on the door interrupted Kyungsoo from his work. He looked up through his lashes, one eyebrow raised. There weren’t usually many people at the office this late at night, and even fewer that had the courage to bother him. He didn’t answer the knock, and instead just waited until the door swung open, revealing a disheveled looking Jongdae.

“Why are you still here?” Kyungsoo glanced at the clock, frowning. Hard worker as he was, Jongdae didn’t often stay later than necessary.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Jongdae snorted, rubbing a hand over his face. “Do you just live at the office or something? It’s late, Kyungsoo. You should go home.” He held out a hand expectantly, ignoring Kyungsoo’s frown. “The paperwork will still be here tomorrow.”

Kyungsoo stared at him a moment longer, contemplative, before relenting, gathering his papers into a pile with a sigh. He stood, grabbing his bag and tossing the remnants of his makeshift dinner into the garbage. Jongdae grinned smugly as they left the office, flicking off lights and locking doors as they went. Kyungsoo hadn’t realized just how late it was; there wasn’t a single other person in the office. The streets were silent as well as they made their way to the parking lot, their footsteps echoing over pavement damp with the day’s rain. Jongdae slid into the passenger seat of Kyungsoo’s car, clicking on his seatbelt with the enthusiasm of a child. 

“Let’s go get something to eat.” Jongdae had a way of speaking that Kyungsoo could never quite put a finger on. He could ask for something without actually asking it, or suggest something in a way that was less like a suggestion and more like an order. Kyungsoo had always found it intriguing, and try as he might, could never quite master the art.

“I thought you told me to go home.” Kyungsoo glanced over at him as they drove form the parking lot, unsurprised at Jongdae’s actions. 

“You can go home after. Besides, the café I want to go to is right near my house, and I walked to work today.” He was tapping his fingers absentmindedly as he spoke, fingernails clicking against the leather upholstery of the car, and with any other person, Kyungsoo would have been annoyed. Instead, he just shook his head in resignation, watching the nightlife of the city blur past his window. 

It didn’t take long to get to Jongdae’s favorite café, and Kyungsoo almost sighed in relief at seeing it. His eyelids felt heavy, body yearning for a cup of coffee to keep him awake until he could collapse into bed. It was an interesting little shop, all warm browns and furniture that was probably past its expiration date. Still, it was familiar, and somehow a sight Kyungsoo needed. It was a sense of normality, a place where he could pretend that everything was okay and he was happy and he would be welcomed home by someone he loved.

“What’s wrong?” The question snapped Kyungsoo out of his daze, and his eyes met Jongdae’s in confusion. He only shrugged, not wanting to have this conversation but not knowing how to get out of it either. “Kyungsoo, don’t try to slip out of this. I know you. There has to be something wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t be drowning yourself in work like this again. You look half dead.”

Kyungsoo stared down at his coffee, the corners of his mouth turned down into a scowl. He watched his drink swirl around in his cups for a few moments before he realized that Jongdae wasn’t going to let it go, and looked back up, blowing out a deep breath through his lips. “I just like my job. I like working.”

“Liar.”

The fake smile Kyungsoo had formed on his lips dropped in an instant, eyes widening. Jongdae looked at him with confusion, not understanding the effect the word had on him. Kyungsoo stared for a moment longer before clearing his throat, lifting his shoulders in a noncommittal shrug. “Fine, fine, I’ll tell you.” He took a drink of his coffee, drawing out the moment as if stalling long enough would make it disappear. He could, however, only look at Jongdae’s expecting face for so long, and took a steadying breath, willing his voice to come out even. “Someone I cared about died, ok?”

“Oh.” Jongdae fell back against his chair, mouth hanging slightly agape. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if it was his hard tone or the words themselves that had him in such a stupor, but he shot Jongdae a glare before going back to his coffee, hands wrapping around the warm paper cup. It felt strange, to say it out loud. It was freeing, but it also added a sense of finality to the situation, and it stung. Jongdae just stared, trying to form words that wouldn’t cause Kyungsoo to lash out. “I…” he began, chewing on the corner of his lip in thought. Kyungsoo tensed, his jaw clenching at the words he expected to come. “I’m here if you need anything. If you need to talk to anyone.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes flicked up to study Jongdae’s face, their gaze was soft. He had not expected that response. He had expected an awkward ‘I’m sorry’, said with a gentle tone that spoke of inexperience. Kyungsoo wondered briefly if Jongdae had lost anyone before. It wasn’t unlikely. “Thank you.” He spoke softly, his words nothing more than a sigh. Jongdae just smiled, nodding in approval. 

“Sometimes, life happens in a way you don’t want it to.” Jongdae looked sad for a moment, looking off into space. He sounded very small when he continued, voice that of someone weathered, aged, “Sometimes, it takes people you love away from you.” He met Kyungsoo’s eyes, and there was something in his face that was both hopeful and guarded. “And sometimes, it places something you want just out of reach. The point is, it’s not what happens to you that matters. It’s what you do about it, how you cope with it. That is what really counts.”

The words had a sobering effect on Kyungsoo. He knew Jongdae was right; it accomplished nothing to weep over his pieces when he had been broken so many times before. As much as it hurt, there was nothing he could do about it now. He thanked Jongdae again before standing, giving him one last look before making his way to the door. Jongdae watched him walk to his car, watched until the lights faded into the darkness of the night. He watched and did nothing, an empty ‘I love you’ stilling on his lips.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think of this chapter as the beginning of the end, since technically I had planned for the next 2 chapters' events to be squished all into this one, but then it ended up being a lot longer than I had anticipated.  
> I can't believe there are only two chapters left. I'm going to cry.  
> Also this is another chapter that seems really short to me, even though it's one of the longest.

Kyungsoo sat at his desk, staring at the paper in his hands for far longer than necessary. It was a case file, and he had received countless in his years at headquarters. It wouldn’t have been special if not for the fact that it wasn’t just _a_ case. It was _his_ case.

“How…” He wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence, and stared up at Jongdae with wide eyes, speechless. Jongdae wiggled in excitement, a grin plastered across his face. 

“Tech department bugged a phone call. It was actually a lot of work, I heard, and took a lot of bribes and undercover stuff.” He shrugged, as if the tireless efforts and dedication were no big deal. “The important thing is that they are handing it off to you to complete. You can pick the team, you can pick the formations, whatever it is you do. I know you have a lot on your plate already, but I also know you would probably strangle whoever else they gave it to, so I may or may not have mentioned your name in the board meeting. Who is the greatest friend ever? Me.”

Disbelief spread across Kyungsoo’s face, and he very slowly set the paper back down on his desk, standing to grip Jongdae in a hug. He didn’t let go until he felt Jongdae begin to squirm, patting Kyungsoo’s shoulder while chuckling awkwardly. “You’re welcome,” he laughed, though Kyungsoo hadn’t thanked him, “You, of all people, deserve it. You know more about Vanguard than anyone else.”

Nodding at this, Kyungsoo stepped back, running his hand through his hair. It felt surreal; as if he had been chasing a dream his whole life only to find out that it was in fact a reality. He looked back at the file on his desk, picking it up to scan its contents. What little was written on it was vague, only stating that the case was to be assigned to Kyungsoo, and that it involved the two most predominant gangs in the city; Vanguard and Katari. Kyungsoo knew there was bound to be tension surrounding their meeting; they had been rivals for as long as Kyungsoo could remember. He frowned at the paper, willing it to give him more information, and was about to speak when Jongdae interrupted him.

“There is more,” he said quickly, noticing Kyungsoo’s dissatisfaction, “But they didn’t write it down; security reasons and such. We’ve been working this case for so long, I can’t blame them for taking every precaution. Big Dogs want to talk with you, to discuss it further. They’re waiting in the board room right now, actually. You better get going.”

Kyungsoo scoffed, pushing Jongdae out of his office before making his way down the hall. When he got to the door, it was mercifully closed, and he paused for a moment, taking deep breaths. He wasn’t sure how much more information he was about to be assaulted with, but he wanted to be ready for it, ready for anything they threw at him. He inhaled deeply once more before pushing open the door, revealing exactly who Jongdae had told him. 

‘Big Dogs’, as named by the officers who worked beneath them, was comprised of three of the most outstanding people Kyungsoo had ever laid eyes upon. They were the main force at headquarters; all cases and operations filtered through them before anyone else had even heard what had happened. Hakyeon was the leader of the trio, and in the few times that Kyungsoo had seen him not serious, he had had an air of kindness about him, treating his officers as if they were his own children. If not for him, Kyungsoo was sure they would never get anything done, or at least not in an organized manner. Taekwoon was second in command, and he scared practically everyone at headquarters. He had a feline face, dark eyes silent and calculating in a way that was most unnerving. He was quiet in an intense way, and often hovered near Hakyeon, daring anyone to come close. If Kyungsoo didn’t know any better, he would have assumed that Taekwoon was Hakyeon’s bodyguard. He certainly had the build; tall and muscular that shrunk Hakyeon’s soft frame. Ever since Kyungsoo had been given the title ‘investigator’, Taekwoon had been the one he most interacted with. Through the few encounters they had over the years, Kyungsoo came to admire Taekwoon. He was smart in a way that couldn’t be practiced, and so kind and patient that Kyungsoo had wondered why anyone had ever thought him to be cold. The last of the three was Jaehwan. It was rare to see him not smiling, so his grim expression had Kyungsoo more on edge than Taekwoon’s hard stare. Jaehwan was the one who had come up with the nickname ‘pancake’ for Taekwoon, though he was the only one brave enough to dare call him that to his face. Despite this, Jaehwan was outstanding in the field, and coordinated some of the most successful heists and infiltrations that headquarters had seen. He wasn’t as tall as Taekwoon, but what he lacked in height he made up for in sheer physical prowess. He was loud in everything he did; tapping his foot or laughing or even, on rare occasions, yelling in a way that could be heard throughout the entire floor. Kyungsoo had always pitied who was at the other end; Jaehwan was terrifying when he was angry. 

“Kyungsoo.” It was Hakyeon that finally spoke, offering up a gentle smile to ease the tension in the room. He gestured to the free chair across from him. “Come in.”

Shutting the door as quietly as he could, Kyungsoo tried to calm his heart. It was all so overwhelming.

“Taekwoon has told me so much about you,” Hakyeon continued, holding out his hand, “I’m glad I finally get to meet you.” Kyungsoo shook the hand automatically, trying not to stare. “Well, officially meet, anyways. I think I’ve seen you around the office a few times.”

To Kyungsoo’s right, Jaehwan tapped his pen, eyebrows drawn together in a frown. “Let’s get down to it,” he snapped, tone surprisingly strained. Kyungsoo didn’t like the way he gripped the table with white knuckles, and for a second wished he and Hakyeon could switch spots, favouring sitting next to Taekwoon. Jaehwan could be volatile, at times. “Kyungsoo, I expect you have read the report?”

There was a second of silence before Kyungsoo realized he had been addressed, and nodded his head slowly. “There wasn’t much on it.”

At this, Hakyeon grinned, leaning forward a little as if he was about to tell a secret. “We’ve been working on this case for a long time, Kyungsoo.” He chuckled, though he sounded slightly tired, “We can’t afford any mistakes. All information on the case will be discussed within this room, and you are not allowed to speak of it to anyone, understand?” Kyungsoo nodded. “From your past work, I believe that you have the capabilities to take on such a case. Before we continue, I need to know that you are fully committed, and that you will not pull out from the case halfway through. Can you promise me that?”

“I promise.” Kyungsoo couldn’t imagine not wanting to follow through with the case. It had been all he had hoped for, all he worked towards in the many late nights he spent at the office. Content, Hakyeon nodded at Taekwoon, who produced a folder from somewhere beneath the table. He kept it in his lap, pulling out a single sheet of paper.

“As it said on the report given to you,” Taekwoon began, finger tapping a spot on the paper, “The two gangs involved are the Vanguard and Katari.” Taekwoon had a soft way of talking, making Kyungsoo pay extra attention so that he wouldn’t miss anything. “We have reason to believe that there will be some sort of exchange between the two. Knowing Vanguard, I would not be surprised if it had correlation to the influx of narcotics that we have noticed recently in the lower east side of the city. However, we have a number of informants in Katari, and through them we have made an agreement with the leaders that they are not to show up to the location.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened, not quite processing what he had just heard. “So you are saying that only Vanguard is going to be there? It’s a set up?”

Jaehwan grinned, teeth glinting in a predatory way that seemed almost familiar. “Precisely.”

A deep breath escaped Kyungsoo, and he leaned back in his chair, mind whirring in an attempt to make sense of the puzzle pieces he had just been handed. Taekwoon glanced at him before slipping out another sheet of paper from the folder, placing it neatly on top of the first. It seemed to be some sort of maze, pathways twisting and turning over each other. “It wasn’t hard to do,” He continued, ignoring Jaehwan’s incessant tapping, “considering that nearly everyone in the underground has been waiting for Vanguard to fall. It didn’t seem like it would happen anytime soon, at least not without a catalyst. That is where we come in.” Kyungsoo looked down at the paper, realizing it was a blueprint of some sort of warehouse. A very intricate warehouse, to be exact, and Kyungsoo hoped that they didn’t expect him to memorize the floor plan. Taekwoon placed another paper beside it; what Kyungsoo assumed must have been a map of the area surrounding the building. “This is where the transaction is to take place. Vanguard will likely have men posted here, here, and here.” Taekwoon’s finger’s slid to different points on the map and blueprint as he spoke, eyes locked on Kyungsoo’s face. “The majority of them, however, will be in the main block; a clearing at the center of the warehouse. Our main goal is to apprehend the leaders. They will be in the main block as well. We will send small units to the upper levels of the warehouse to take out the lower members, and an elite team will be sent into the center to deal with the higher ups. We want them taken out of the picture, dead or alive. Do you understand?”

Kyungsoo nodded again, though the information was beginning to get to be too much to process. He looked at Hakyeon, frowning. “This seems very well thought out,” he began slowly, looking between the three of them and the papers on the desk, “but also very sudden. When is this all happening?”

What must have been guilt crossed Hakyeon’s face, and he winced slightly at the question. “Thursday night,” he admitted, watching Kyungsoo’s mouth drop open, “We already have our units trained and practiced. Everyone knows their jobs, even if they don’t know what it is for. You were the final piece.”

“Even so, two days seems like a little bit too short of notice, don’t you think?” Kyungsoo tried and failed to keep the sarcasm out of his voice, and he could see Taekwoon raise an eyebrow at his tone. He tried again, his voice more level, “I mean, what if I said no? What is my role in all of this?”

At this, Hakyeon grinned, as if he had been waiting for Kyungsoo to ask that question. “We had been counting on you saying yes,” he admitted, shrugging innocently, “We would have informed you earlier, but their plans were still very ambiguous, and we didn’t need any false hope creating rumors in the office. Hopefully, such short notice won’t turn you off from the case. You know Vanguard better than anyone else. You make connections between cases and people that others fail to see. We need you to be our eyes during this operation; we need you to make sure we get the important people. That is why,” Hakyeon tapped on the blueprint that sat between the four of them, finger landing again and again on the center of the building, “You will be leading the elite team.”

There was silence as Kyungsoo processed the news, looking back and forth between the faces in front of him. “Me?”

Jaehwan laughed, patting his shoulder. “Yes, you. I think you classify as elite by this point anyways. You will be working with one of the finest groups in the business, comprised of seven others. They call themselves Bangtan. You will not be disappointed by their performance. There will be other units flanking you, and more in the upper levels, that will have the job of covering the eight of you while you find your targets.”

“Of course,” Hakyeon interrupted, shooting Jaehwan a look that Kyungsoo couldn’t quite interpret, “This is your case. If there are any changes or concerns you wish to discuss with us, please let us know.” 

Kyungsoo frowned, lowering his eyes to the maps on the desk. He remained silent for a moment, contemplative, before his gaze suddenly snapped upwards, meeting Hakyeon’s with a ferocity that surprised both of them. “Jongdae is not to be involved with this whatsoever.” His voice was hard, leaving no room for negotiation. Taekwoon looked at him with curiosity, one eyebrow inching closer to his hairline. “That is all I ask. I don’t want him there, I don’t want him questioning anyone we manage to catch, and I don’t want to so much as hear a whisper of his name at all during and in the aftermath of this operation.”

Hakyeon stared at him for a while, gaze heavy, until the silence made Kyungsoo shift in his chair with unease. Finally, he smiled, flicking his eyes towards Jaehwan and Taekwoon before nodding. “That can be arranged. Is there anything else?”

“No, that’s all I want.” Kyungsoo slumped back into his chair, giving up the cold façade he had slipped on subconsciously. Jongdae would be furious. Though he personally hadn’t been one to work on the case, he had watched Kyungsoo pour himself over files and listened to hours of nonsensical reasoning. He had voiced on more than one occasion that he wanted to be a part of it, despite Kyungsoo’s unwavering resistance. It was too dangerous, and Jongdae deserved better than to be injured just because Kyungsoo couldn’t seem to let things go. “Is that it then?”

Nodding, Taekwoon gathered the papers on the desk, sliding them back into the folder with a calculated precision that shadowed all of his actions. “Anything else will be last minute preparations and adjustments. I suggest you go home and sleep. Tonight and tomorrow night you are to report to the training facility to practice formation.”

There was a moment where all three of them stared at Kyungsoo expectantly before Hakyeon realized he hadn’t caught on to the silent message. “You are dismissed.” He tilted his head towards the door, and Kyungsoo stood up quickly, embarrassed. None of the others followed, and he could hear them fall into conversation the moment he shut the door behind him.

_It’s happening._ Kyungsoo held his hand over his heart, trying to slow it’s erratic pace. _It’s finally happening._

~ ~ ~

It was unusual for Kyungsoo to sleep during the day. He was usually at work before the sun rose, and didn’t leave until the city had been silenced in the choke of twilight. It was why, despite Taekwoon’s instructions, he didn’t go to bed when he finally got home. Even if he tried, he was sure ‘sleeping’ would consist of tossing and turning on the bed while his mind roiled and his hands twitched with anticipation. He spent most of his day cleaning; an attempt to exhaust himself so he could at least have a few hours under his belt before returning to the office. There wasn’t much to do– Kyungsoo was tidy by nature and didn’t really spend a lot of time at home– but he scrubbed away anyways, making sure that every inch of his apartment sparkled. It was therapeutic, in a way; an immediate gratification for all of his hard work. By the time he was satisfied, the sun was painting his walls orange, and he sauntered towards the bedroom, setting his alarm before collapsing into bed.

Surprisingly, Kyungsoo felt even more tired when he woke up, his alarm clock beeping obnoxiously on his bedside table. He had slept for a solid three and a half hours, but it felt like mere seconds ago that he let his eyes slip closed. A deep sigh blew past his lips, and he remained in bed for a minute longer, staring up at his ceiling. 

“This is fine,” he tried to convince himself, wincing at his gravelly voice, “it’s better that I be tired tonight and tomorrow night. By the time Thursday comes, I will be used to it. Right? Right.” He sighed once more before sitting up, looking around his dark room with bleary eyes. He had run on nothing more than caffeine and adrenaline before. Tonight would be no different. After a meager dinner and a cup of coffee that he let steep for far longer than necessary, Kyungsoo decided that he couldn’t put it off any longer, and grabbed his jacket before making his way out the door. 

The night air was unusually warm against his skin as he walked to the office, considering what a cold autumn day it had been. His footsteps echoed in the still darkness, buildings looming above him on either side. The silence was almost comforting, letting him sort through the thoughts that the day had conjured. He passed a flickering streetlamp, its uneven light throwing his shadow across the street. His eyes followed its wavering path, dragging across dark store fronts before settling on a dark figure, watching him from across the street. The man didn’t move, leaning comfortably against the weathered side of a building. Kyungsoo swallowed, snapping his gaze back forward, refusing to slow his walk. He shoved his hands in his pockets, trying to convince himself that it could be anyone hanging about the city after dark, that it was unreasonable to think that every single person returned to their homes once night fell. There was also the chance that it was the same person that followed him in a car some nights and, as far as he could tell, they weren’t dangerous. At least not to him. Still, the question of ‘what if’ loomed in his mind, and he quickened his pace, striding along the sidewalk with a new sense of urgency. He walked through a red light- there wasn’t a car in sight anyways- and looked over his shoulder, eyes searching frantically. The street was empty.

~ ~ ~

“Kyungsoo? What’s wrong?” Jaehwan was looking at him with wide eyes, hands frozen where they had been unzipping his jacket. Kyungsoo stared at him for a second, leaned back on the door he had slammed shut. He could feel his heart hammering his chest, sweat chilling on his skin, but he forced out a smile anyways, shrugging.

“I felt like running here. So I could warm up, you know?” He said the words with unusual brightness, and Jaehwan squinted at it but thankfully didn’t comment. 

“Put your gear on.” Jaehwan tilted his head towards the nearest locker, its door slightly ajar. “I’ll introduce you to the boys, and then we will get to the fun part.”

Bangtan was nothing like Kyungsoo had expected. He had imagined them all as tall, tough, and terrifying, and he was at least a little unsure of working with such a disciplined team. It was why, when he walked through the door into the large room that they would be training in and saw the group, he could do nothing but stare, mouth agape. Three out of the seven were sleeping, and the other four where either playing games on their phone or flicking balls of paper onto those that were asleep. Jaehwan looked upon them with nothing but admiration and pride in his eyes, and Kyungsoo just flicked his gaze back and forth across the room, wondering if he was being pranked. At the sound of them entering the room, two of the members got up, walking towards them with welcoming grins.

“You must be Kyungsoo.” The man didn’t remove his hands from his pockets, and gestured with his head to the other standing beside him. “I’m Jin. This is Namjoon. We’re the head of this group. Come, I’ll show you around.”

Though Jaehwan had promised him the best of the best, Kyungsoo had been apprehensive of the group at first. Any doubt, however, faded soon after they began their first trials. The room was bigger than he had initially thought, and had obstacles set in a similar formation that the actual building might have. Kyungsoo was paired up with Yoongi, a short, squishy looking officer with a gummy smile and the hidden talent of being the most deadly out of any of them. Hoseok and Jimin flanked their right, and Taehyung and Jungkook walked parallel to them. They made up the groups that would eventually split off, sneaking around back to catch anyone that decided to flee. Jin and Namjoon followed last, making sure each member was safe and accounted for. The entire group moved with such calculated coordination, and Kyungsoo felt bad having ever had doubts about them. If anyone made a mistake, it was almost always him. Jaehwan made sure to push them to their breaking point, and by the time dawn broke through the heavy veil of night, Kyungsoo was at the point of passing out, collapsing onto the bench.

“That will be all for tonight.” Jaehwan looked over their exhausted forms on the floor, nodding in approval. “Go home; I will see you all tomorrow night. Well, I guess technically its tonight.”

Staring at the ceiling, Kyungsoo listened to his footsteps as he left, the click of the door finalizing his absence. 

“Do you not have a car?” The voice came from his left, and Kyungsoo rolled his head to look at the speaker. Jin glanced up at him expectantly, fingers tapping on his phone. 

“I do,” Kyungsoo sighed, “but I live pretty close, and I usually prefer walking.”

“Well, do you want a ride? You kind of look like you are about to die.” Jin poked him with his shoe teasingly, jumping out of the way when a hand reached out to smack the shoe away. 

Kyungsoo snorted, and for a second thought about refusing. He would regret it later if he didn’t at least stretch his legs, and walking home seemed the perfect time to do so. Then his mind wandered back to the man that had watched him walk to work, and he sat up instantly. “That would be great, thanks.” 

As they made their way out of the building, Kyungsoo noticed something off, something different about the two of them. He looked at Jin, frowning. Though he had been through the exact same procedures as Kyungsoo, he didn’t look nearly as tired, eyes bright and step light as they made their way to his car. “How are you not exhausted? I feel like I am going to fall asleep at any second.”

Smirking, Jin settling behind the driver’s seat and shooting Kyungsoo a smug look. “Jaehwan always has us doing all kinds of crazy physical stuff. We train together almost every day, and the days we don’t, we train by ourselves. It’s how we are so…” he waved his hand in the air, searching for the right word, “connected.”

The streets flashed past the windows, hazy in the early morning fog. Kyungsoo leaned his head against the window, his mind wandering back to their time in training together. Bangtan had certainly seemed connected, more so than any other team he had seen. He couldn’t imagine the destruction it would cause to lose a single one of them. _I am going to be in charge of them. Their lives are going to be in my hands._ Kyungsoo suddenly felt a wave of nausea, recollecting the many dead bodies of his officers he had seen. He looked over at Jin with desperation, not wanting him, or any of his members, to join the list of the people he had seen in body bags. “I hope this goes well.”

The smile fell off Jin’s face as he swallowed, and he let out a deep sigh, one weighted with the dread of the unknown, the possibility of losing what you cared most about. Kyungsoo could understand the feeling. When Jin finally spoke, his voice was small, cracking at the edges ever so slightly. “I hope so too.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is the finale ;_; What a ride this has been.

Kyungsoo woke up a few minutes before his alarm clock went off. He sat in bed, counting down the seconds until it sounded, loud and obnoxious, from his bedside table. His body ached, having spent the last two nights training, and it was slightly disorienting to wake up at three in the afternoon. Despite this, he remained in bed for another twenty minutes for a reason that didn’t involve his late nights or pained muscles. He stayed in bed because getting up would be acknowledging that today was the day. Getting up would be one step closer to going to the office, where he was sure everything was chaos as they quickly assembled the equipment and teams that would be going out for the night. Getting up would mean facing Jongdae, and watching the anger and hurt flash across his face when he was told he wasn’t coming.

As it was, Kyungsoo had been exempt from the preparations that would take all day. He left the office the previous night just as others began to arrive, all of them tired but eager. He didn’t have to be at the office until six, in which he would go over any changes and prepare in the three hour time span they had before leaving. That meant he had just enough time to wander aimlessly around his apartment, shower, make food that he was almost too anxious to eat, and call Baekhyun.

“Hello?” The voice on the other end was weary but familiar, and instantly Kyungsoo’s face brightened.

“Baekhyun, it’s me. Were you sleeping?” Kyungsoo hopped onto one of his kitchen stools, swinging his legs.

The voice on the other end grunted, “Hey, Soo. Yeah, I was up all night finalizing an album that’s supposed to come out in a few weeks. What’s up?”

There was silence as Kyungsoo contemplated on how to answer that. He fiddled with the worn threads of his sweater, nibbling on his lip, “Nothing,” he said slowly, “I just wanted to call. You and Chanyeol are doing good? How is everything?”

“Good. Everything is good.” Baekhyun had told Kyungsoo many times how much he enjoyed his job working for an entertainment company. It meant he could constantly be around his two favorite things: music and Chanyeol. Even so, Kyungsoo still sometimes worried about the long, irregular hours and the pressure it put on him. Even after all this time, Baekhyun was still fragile, despite the tough face he often wore. Kyungsoo was glad he had Chanyeol to keep him company and watch over him. “Now, why are you actually calling?”

It was barely surprising that Baekhyun could tell something was up. Kyungsoo never called just because. “I’m going out in the field tonight. For work, I mean.”

“Oh.” There was a shuffle from the phone, and Kyungsoo imagined Baekhyun sitting up from whatever furniture he had fallen asleep on. “It’s been a while.”

It had been a while. Kyungsoo hadn’t even noticed the time passing. “Yeah.”

“Be safe, alright? I’m serious. Don’t do anything stupid.” Baekhyun’s voice was firm, the same tone he used every time Kyungsoo called him before going out. He could almost predict his next words. “Call me when you get back.”

“Will do.” Kyungsoo tapped his fingers against the counter, looking at his watch and making a face at what it read. “I have to go. I don’t want to be late.”

“Alright. Talk to you soon, then. I love you.” Baekhyun made a sound into the phone which Kyungsoo assumed was supposed to be a kiss.

“Gross. Love you too. Bye.” The words felt almost foreign on his tongue, and Kyungsoo wondered when the last time he said them were. It was a dangerous thing; to love. He had known it firsthand. He had breathed the euphoria, basked in the warm glow. But he had also felt its whips and hooks, choked on the red hot branding iron shoved down his throat. And he had scarred over his wounds rather than heal them, because it was so much easier to pretend they didn’t exist than to tear them open anew and deal with them properly. He felt something touch his hand, and looked down to see the perfect little dome of a teardrop twinkling on his skin. He hadn’t even noticed he was crying. Quickly wiping his eyes, he grabbed his keys and jacket, exiting his building into the bright afternoon sunlight.

~ ~ ~

Kyungsoo had hoped he would get at least a few minutes alone before leaving. He had closed himself off in his office, already in full gear and simply waiting for the command to leave. His peace, however, was fleeting, and the door to his office slammed open, revealing a fuming Jongdae.

“I’ve been looking all over for you.” His voice was hard, eyes set into an even glare. “Why the hell am I not coming?”

A deep sigh escaped Kyungsoo’s lips, and he looked upon Jongdae with both guilt and pity. “I don’t want you involved in this. I’m trying to protect you.”

There was a startling bang when Jongdae slammed his hands down on the desk, but Kyungsoo didn’t jump, gaze steady though his hands gripped the edge of the table tightly. “Don’t do this to me, Do Kyungsoo. Not after all this time.” Kyungsoo could see the edges of Jongdae’s composure slipping, and he closed his eyes, not able to bear the sight of someone he so admired breaking in front of him. “I’ve known about this case just as long as you have. I’m the one that got you it in the first place.” Jongdae’s lip trembled slightly, and he sunk down onto the carpet, resting his head on the edge of Kyungsoo’s desk. “I want to come. I want to be there.”

“No.” Rubbing his hands over his face, Kyungsoo leaned back in his chair, his head thumping slightly against the window. “Please, Jongdae. Stay here. I’m doing this because I care about you. We’ve been friends for years; I don’t want to have to worry about you the entire time. I have people to take care of, a team to watch over. I can’t jeopardize that, and I can’t risk you. Please, just stay here.”

It didn’t matter, really, if Kyungsoo asked. Jongdae had orders to stay, from a power he couldn’t possibly go against. Still, he stared at the carpet as if actually contemplating the request, fingers running over the seams of his pants. They couldn’t remain in such a stillness forever, and eventually someone knocked on the door, signaling it was time to leave. The two of them stood, Jongdae pulling Kyungsoo into a tight hug. “Come back, okay? Be safe. Don’t do anything stupid.”

Kyungsoo snorted, but accepted the hug anyways, patting Jongdae’s hair. “You sound like Baekhyun.”

“Well, maybe Baekhyun has a point.” Jongdae pushed back, examining Kyungsoo with an unreadable expression. He cleared his throat, stepping back and gesturing to the door. “You better go.”

It was an awkward departure, and Kyungsoo simply nodded before leaving, casting one more look over his shoulder. He met Jongdae’s eyes for a moment, and then the door was shut and Kyungsoo was lost in the hustle of bodies preparing to leave. Some teams had already left, along with the equipment, so the lobby of the building was a lot less chaotic than he had thought. It allowed some space to breathe, and looking across the room he could see Bangtan preparing for the journey; their faces a mix of excitement, nervousness, and anticipation. He caught Jin’s gaze, level on him from across the room. They were still for a moment, then Jin nodded, and the eight of them exited the building, letting their bodies be enveloped in the cool night air.

Nobody dared to speak during the ride over. Each person was secluded in their own bubble, the only connection the occasional set of hands intertwined, or the shared looks filled with messages unknown to Kyungsoo. It was only once the car fell silent that they began to chatter, their voices tight with nervousness. The other teams were already in position, waiting on Kyungsoo and Bangtan’s arrival to truly begin their mission. It was slightly colder here; the wind cutting through the sparse trees roughly. Still, Kyungsoo was glad he had opted for a short sleeved shirt; any jacket would simply be in the way, hindering his movement, which was already restricted by his bullet-proof vest. Most of Bangtan seemed to have the same idea, and the sight of them all made Kyungsoo realize just how much of a unit they were. He felt like a part of something, more so than he had originally thought. He had started this case by himself, full of anger and pride, alone in his motives. Now, he had a team backing him up. It was settling at the same time it was worrying. Though it felt good knowing there was someone watching over him, it also meant that he had to watch over others. It was a responsibility that he did not take lightly. Kyungsoo couldn’t stand another dead officer at his feet, another call home to sobbing spouses and torn families. It was unrealistic to think that there would be no injuries. Kyungsoo just didn’t want them to be his fault. 

The building loomed before them, dark and imposing. Kyungsoo felt a hand squeeze his own, and looked over to see Yoongi staring up at him, a fierce smile on his face. “Let’s end this.”

Kyungsoo nodded, tightening the hold on his hand in response. They fell into both silence and formation, creeping through the unkempt grass towards the back entrance to the building. He could see one of the other teams entering silently through the side door, signaling for the others to move into position. Kyungsoo wiped his hands on his pants, gripping tightly onto his gun. Jin moved ahead of them, opening the grand doors as silently as possible, though they were rusted and groaned in protest. They swung open, revealing the concrete floors and cracked, worn walls within. The darkness played shadows across the room, creeping up the array of large storage containers set in no particular pattern. The result was a maze of sorts, all twisting pathways, dark, hidden corridors, and spaces just large enough to squeeze through. It was similar to the way they had set up the training facility, but the meager blockades and blurry pictures were no match for the behemoths of the real thing. The warehouse was simply massive; stretching further than his line of sight went, and soaring up above him. It comforted him in a way; if he couldn’t see the teams, creeping on the walkways above, then neither could Vanguard. 

The layout of the building meant there were paths that split off in different directions, curving into darkness unknown. Bangtan split off one by one, each going down a different walkway. The last thing they needed was to be surprised by someone patrolling the labyrinth. He felt exposed, constantly glancing over at Yoongi for reassurance. His cropped, blond hair was all Kyungsoo could see in the darkness, but it settled him enough to keep pushing forward, to swallow down the fear that had been sticking in his throat. Their path lead them in a circle around the clearing, so when Kyungsoo finally got a glimpse of Vanguard through a crack in the rusted metal of a container, he was viewing them diagonally from behind. His earpiece hissed, whispers of the other members confirming their locations and securing the perimeter. He heard Yoongi murmur beside him, rattling off estimates of how many members there were and letting Bangtan know where they were.

“Ready?” The questioned was hummed into his ear, Jin’s voice recognizable even through radio. Instantly other groups responded, a chorus of yesses and ‘all set’s that eventually hissed into silence. Kyungsoo looked through the small hold once more, eyes searching. He looked over Vanguard, wondering if he would be able to recognize any of the members. They were several dozen strong, so he knew it was a fanciful thing to be wondering, but still he searched. The one scuffing his shoes could be Sehun, or perhaps the one admiring his sizable gun in the dim light was Kris. Kyungsoo snorted at himself, stepping back as he realized what he had been doing. He didn’t want his mind to wander in that direction, not when he had a job to do. 

“Wait.” The voice was unrecognizable, so Kyungsoo assumed it was from one of the other groups, the ones patrolling the impossibly high catwalks. “Yoongi, how many did you say were in the middle of the warehouse?”

“Twenty? Maybe more. I can’t see the whole thing.” Yoongi’s voice was a quiet hum, sounding clearer on the radio in Kyungsoo’s ear though he was standing a few feet away. He tried to look back through the crack, but was pushed away by Yoongi, who had to stretch up on his toes to peek through. “I would say about two dozen. Definitely not Vanguard in its entirety, though I doubt they would bring all of their members to a single mission.”

Kyungsoo’s mind whirred as the other end of the radio filled with silence. No, it was unlikely that they would bring most of the members without reason. If they were expecting this to be a routine deal, then there was no need for excessive fire power.

“There are people approaching the building from the south,” The voice in his ear continued, “a group of about five. Who’s near there?”

“I am.” Kyungsoo’s stomach filled with dread at the voice. It was the voice of Jungkook, the youngest of Bangtan. “Me and Tae can go check it out, make sure they aren’t planning a counter ambush.”

“Elite team will remain in formation.” Jin’s voice sounded strained, sharp in a way that could not be argued with. Kyungsoo was grateful for it. “Send outer patrol team three to head them off.”

“Understood.”

As the radio fell silent once more, Kyungsoo barely dared to breath. Each team was frozen in place, waiting for information. He looked towards Yoongi, who was keeping lookout for the both of them. “Who do you think it is?”

Yoongi shrugged, the gesture casual though his body was tense. “Probably just a sub-group of Vanguard on patrol.”

“Unlikely.” Namjoon’s voice was gruff in Kyungsoo’s ear, not suited to radio the way Jin’s was. “They have no reason to expect anyone trying to ambush, and thus no reason to patrol.”

Kyungsoo frowned, looking at the shadows as if they held the answers to the mystery. “Unless,” he began, voice cautious, “they _are_ expecting us. There’s no guarantee that Katari didn’t tell them anything. They want them out of the picture, yeah, but they also want _us_ out of the picture. It would be two birds with one stone.”

There was a moment of uneasy silence before Jin spoke, his words much more hushed than they had been before. “We won’t rule that out. Everyone be extra alert. Patrol team three, have you encountered the group yet?”

There was no response on the radio, everyone straining their ears to listen to nothing but a soft hiss. Kyungsoo swallowed uneasily as Jin’s voice came through again. “Patrol team three, do you copy?”

Nothing. Kyungsoo moved slowly back to the hole in the metal to peer through. Vanguard seemed relaxed, bored even. He was about to call out himself when his earpiece screamed; the high pitched squeaks and squeals making him jump back from the wall. By the way Yoongi winced, his had made the same sound, screeching before falling back to silence. Jin spoke again, reaching out for contact. It was answered with another electric squeal and a few shouted profanities. 

Gunshots echoed loudly, sounding closer than Kyungsoo would have expected. He could hear them without his radio, and so could Vanguard; their heads snapped up simultaneously, each one reaching for their guns. Yoongi swore under his breath.

“More members coming in from the back of the warehouse. They are making their way through the pathways.”

Another round of gunshots echoed through the building, ringing off the metal and concrete. Kyungsoo suddenly felt very small. “Jin?” 

“The element of surprise has been lost.” Jin sounded grave but determined, slightly out of breath as if he had been running. “We begin the operation now. Elite team, move to the center. Do not forget our main targets. Be alert, these tunnels are full o-”

Kyungsoo’s radio fell dead in his ear. He peered over at Yoongi, who had an annoyed look on his face. “Radios are down,” he explained, pulling his own out of his ear. “Either they scrambled it or the system died. Either way, we are on our own.”

It felt too quiet without the constant murmur of voices in his ear, but Kyungsoo pulled the earpiece out anyways, slipping it into his pocket. He matched Yoongi’s brisk pace as they moved through the maze, tensing every time they rounded a corner or crossed another path. Despite their near-jog, their journey took long; the path weaving its way around the perimeter of the building before curving towards the center. 

If the tunnels were chaotic, then the clearing in the middle of the warehouse was absolute hell. Bodies lay scattered across the floor, those who still remained standing locked in battle. It was hard to tell who was who, but Kyungsoo plunged in anyways, his mind blank. Aim, fire, repeat. Check the surroundings; reload gun, aim, fire. Between bursts of bullets from his gun, he took shelter behind tables, bodies, anything that would shield him from the deathly hail. His breath came out in brisk pants, the world spinning on its axis as his brain scrambled to make sense of the situation. He could hear someone shouting, loud even over the barks of guns and men. Still shouting, and Kyungsoo thought he could almost make out what they were saying. Another shout, and Kyungsoo knew for sure; it was a name. Jimin. Screamed over and over, the shouts gurgling off into sobs. He looked to his right, searching for the source of the sound. Hoseok knelt near the edge of the clearing, oblivious or uncaring to the pandemonium just a few meters away. He was crying, and as Kyungsoo followed the path of his eyes, he felt his heart sink further and further into his chest.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE ENNNDDDDDD  
> The only thing I am going to say about this chapter in advance is: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Hoseok was kneeling over a body, holding it, shaking it, as if to rouse it from sleep. He screamed again, though this time it was more of a broken sob, his voice hoarse. _Jimin_. And Kyungsoo could see the body; see the blood matted in the messy black hair, see the pale skin and hollow eyes. Blood pooled around them, soaking into Hoseok’s clothes, staining the concrete with its vile memory. He looked up, catching Kyungsoo’s stare with red rimmed eyes. Kyungsoo could see his throat bobbing, his hands trembling as they clutched onto Jimin’s tattered shirt. 

“Go.” The word fell from Kyungsoo’s lips silently; a whisper of stolen air. A bullet ricocheted off a metal container beside Hoseok, spinning through the air. “Go!” Kyungsoo shouted it with a ferocity he didn’t know he had, his throat burning as his own eyes began to dampen. He couldn’t lose another. Hoseok nodded slowly, though it took another moment before he could bring himself to abandon the body. He couldn’t fight, not in such a state that he was, and Kyungsoo knew it. It would be suicide for him to stay, guarding something no longer in need of protection. Kyungsoo followed his path back into the labyrinth with his eyes, firing at anyone who so much as looked Hoseok’s way. _I can’t lose another._ He desperately searched the writhing battleground, hoping to pick out Yoongi, Jin, anyone. He could see an officer, perhaps one from the patrol teams, take cover behind an overturned table. Blood coated his face, though whether it was his own or someone else’s Kyungsoo couldn’t tell. He opened his mouth to call to the officer, hand reaching out as if to span the great distance. A bang echoed through the air, and a moment later the man slumped to the ground, blood pooling from his chest. _I can’t lose another._

A small object sailed through the air, bouncing off the ground. Kyungsoo watched its path; rolling until it was stopped by one of the many bodies littered throughout the scene. Eyes widening, Kyungsoo leapt back, stumbling in his frantic attempt to get away. The object exploded just as his brain found the word ‘grenade’, throwing him backwards against one of the behemoth containers fencing the clearing. He hit the metal wall hard, first his back and then his head. Sparks danced across his eyes, his vision blurring in and out of focus in time with his erratic heart. He slid down against the wall, trying to drag air into his lungs. It was rough, unkempt edges digging into his skin and tearing at the straps of his vest. It caught, for just a moment, but then there was a snap, and both Kyungsoo and his vest sank to the ground. He could feel something wet drip down his arm, the metallic scent of his own blood drifting through the air. Movement from the side caught his attention, and he looked just in time to see a figure disappear into the trails, gun in hand. It was the path Hoseok had taken only minutes before, and there was no telling how far he got or he if he had broken down midway. _I can’t lose another. _Kyungsoo pushed himself to his feet, his head ringing painfully. His vest hung crookedly from his torso, many of its straps frayed and useless. It left part of his torso uncovered, but managed to hold itself up enough that Kyungsoo knew it wouldn’t be worth abandoning it. It would have to do. The taste of iron and salt pooled on his tongue as he coughed, dripping from his mouth. He staggered rather than walked towards the opening of the path, not bothering to wipe the blood from his lips.__

__The passage ways were deserted; the only evidence of combat the sounds behind him, echoing off of the metal. Kyungsoo had one hand clutching his gun and the other dragging against the walls, holding him steady. He followed the path further and further away from the sounds of war, the air no longer tainted with the smell of death and gunpowder. Though his mind was a bit hazy, not once did Kyungsoo forget why he had ventured so far away from the clearing, or why every few seconds he paused his breathing to listen for footsteps. He had to find Hoseok before anyone else did._ _

__Kyungsoo was deathly quiet as he made his way through the paths. He stepped lightly and breathed shallowly, all senses on high alert. It was eerie being alone in the darkness, the moon casting a long cloak of shadows over him. He turned a corner, and pain exploded over his face, making him stumble back. He felt the cool metal of a wall behind him and raised his gun, ignoring the drip of warm wetness down his cheek. There was just enough light to make out the figure standing before him, just enough for Kyungsoo to distinguish the features of his face. Features that he recognized, even though they had aged._ _

“Yixing?” Kyungsoo’s voice was cautious, his hand tightening around the grip of his gun. 

“Kyungsoo?” The shock, both in Yixing’s voice and strewn across his face, was undeniable. He lowered his gun, though Kyungsoo kept his trained on Yixing’s chest. His hand shook a little, but he tried to ignore it. “Fuck, Kyungsoo, why are _you_ here?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” The words came out hard, hiding the turmoil of emotions blossoming in Kyungsoo’s chest. It hurt, to see Yixing, even after all these years. He reminded him too much of Minseok, reminded him of times and people that Kyungsoo had worked hard to forget. Seeing Yixing, those memories were ripped back to the surface, and he got to relive them all over again in a second. His hands gripped harder onto his gun, every muscle in his body coiled. He didn’t know where he stood with Yixing, except for the fact that they were on opposing sides. It would be so easy to pull the trigger, so easy to end it, it would only take a second- “Besides, I could ask the same question to you.” 

__A hand came up to run through Yixing’s hair, his mouth pulled into a smirk. “I think you already know the answer to that.” Though Kyungsoo did in fact know, his only reply was a grunt, eyes searching Yixing’s face for hints at what he was thinking. He looked angry for a moment; the shocked sort of angry that comes from remembering something unpleasant. Then, his body drooped, hands hanging limply by his sides. “Minseok is dead.” His voice was flat when he spoke, weighted with pain and disgust. Kyungsoo’s grip on his gun loosened, though its position didn’t move. He wondered, briefly, if he reminded Yixing of Minseok just as much as Yixing reminded him. It was likely; each time Yixing looked at him, he winced, as if trying to retreat from Kyungsoo’s mere presence. He was nothing like the Yixing Kyungsoo had known. This Yixing was broken, hurting. This Yixing was vulnerable._ _

__“I know.”_ _

Yixing laughed, the sound humorless and heavy. “It’s my fault.” He looked at Kyungsoo, his eyes blank. “I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo. I knew it would happen eventually; it was bound to happen. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let go. I loved him too much. Fuck, I loved him so much. I still do. I would have given that kid the world, if he had asked. And now he’s dead, because I was too selfish to let go. I’m the reason he was there when the shooting happened.” Yixing laughed again, though it sounded more like a broken sob. He leaned against the wall, as if his body had suddenly become heavy. “It’s my fault. I just wanted to spend time with him, to have him for my own.” The words were no more than a whisper, a confirmation, a promise. “ _It’s my fault_.” He rolled his head to the side, studying Kyungsoo with hollow eyes. He stared at the gun, then looked up at Kyungsoo’s face and smiled softly. “You can kill me,” He murmured, eyes drifting to stare at the darkness overhead, “I would deserve it.” He sighed deeply, his gun clattering to the floor. Kyungsoo flinched at the sound, maintaining the hold on his own. 

__“I’m not going to kill you.” Kyungsoo lowered his gun slowly, not taking his eyes off of Yixing as he slid it into its holster. Though he wasn’t sure why, Kyungsoo knew he couldn’t kill Yixing. Perhaps it was knowing just how much Minseok had loved him. Kyungsoo could never hurt something so important to him. Or, maybe it was the fact that Kyungsoo was still angry at Yixing, and knew he would suffer more living than dead. Either way, he wouldn’t, couldn’t, pull the trigger. He sighed, resting the back of his head against the wall. The two of them fell into a dark silence, their gazes heavy upon one another. A few minutes went by, Kyungsoo listening to the distant sounds of gunfire, before he spoke, his words coming out as a tired sigh. “Just go.” Yixing, who had been lost in thought, snapped his attention towards Kyungsoo, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. “Go,” Kyungsoo repeated, gesturing back down the path they had come, “Go back to your friends. Don’t hurt any of mine on the way.”_ _

__Yixing nodded slowly, not quite believing Kyungsoo. He took a cautious step forward, then another, getting closer to both Kyungsoo and the way back. He was only a few feet away when he reached out, pausing as if Kyungsoo was a wild animal that could he scared away. At the lack of any reaction, Yixing closed the distance, pulling Kyungsoo into a tight embrace. “Thank you,” he whispered into his hair, and Kyungsoo could feel him trembling slightly. He wrapped his own arms around Yixing, holding him close with the comfort of knowing he had made the right decision._ _

__“For Minseok,” he murmured, the sound muffled against Yixing’s chest. He could hear his heartbeat; feel each shaky breath and twitch of muscle. He wanted to remain in that moment for longer, but he knew he had more urgent matters to attend to. Yixing or not, he still had to follow through with the operation. If not, then all of the deaths would have been for nothing. He pushed back, walking backwards with an apology written all over his face. “I have to go. I have to find someone.”_ _

__As if to speak, Yixing’s mouth opened slightly, but all that fell from his lips was a deep breath. He just looked at Kyungsoo, watching his retreat with a curious expression. Kyungsoo wanted to be frozen in that second; he wanted to go back to the ways when he wasn’t supposed to point his gun at Yixing, the days when it didn’t hurt just to look at him. But those days were long gone, Kyungsoo knew, and he still had orders. It was a compromise, of sorts; walking backwards through the tunnel. He was, technically, still making his way to Hoseok, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t look back. It didn’t mean he couldn’t study the pain that coiled in Yixing, so obvious, too shattered to be guarded. It didn’t mean he couldn’t remember._ _

__A lot of things happened at once. Kyungsoo heard footsteps behind him just as Yixing’s eyes flicked over his shoulder, widening as they looking past his head. His hand reached out to Kyungsoo, mouth forming around the word ‘wait’. His arm hovered in the air between him, but he was far, too far, and a moment later, pain erupted through Kyungsoo’s chest. Kyungsoo held Yixing’s gaze for just a moment, disbelief written across his face, and he looked down to see his shirt torn, blood streaming from the fabric. Then the moment was over and his legs crumpled, his body sinking to the ground. Another shot echoed off the walls, and Kyungsoo could see Yixing pointing a gun in the direction Kyungsoo had been, his face a grimace. There was a bang, followed by a thud, and then Yixing was kneeling beside Kyungsoo, hands a flurry as he frantically typed numbers into his phone._ _

__“Hold on, Kyungsoo.” Yixing was grasping onto his hand tightly, but Kyungsoo could hardly feel it; he could hardly feel anything anymore. It was an odd moment of déjà vu , though this time it hurt a hell of a lot more and this time he was a hell of a lot farther from salvation. He tried to speak, but coughed up blood instead, and he could taste the metallic bitterness on his tongue, feel it dripping from his mouth and nose. Yixing was shouting into his phone, shouting names that sounded familiar, but Kyungsoo couldn’t quite place who they belonged to. His chest burned; each shaky breath was agony. Yixing tapped his cheek lightly, his eyes rimmed with tears. “Don’t close your eyes,” he ordered, and Kyungsoo obeyed the best he could, though he didn’t fully understanding why he couldn’t. The gunfire in the distance was like a lullaby, and his limbs felt heavy and cold. With each second, he could feel the life dripping from him, pooling in a sticky mess around his body. It would feel so good to let his mind slip, to succumb to the darkness edging his vision. He felt Yixing’s hand on his cheek again, and shook the thoughts from his mind. He couldn’t sleep, not yet._ _

__The sound of footsteps reached Kyungsoo’s ear, their pace quick and hard. He heard them get closer, closer, until they stopped, just as quickly as they had started._ _

__“No.” Kyungsoo’s eyelids fluttered at the voice, and he suddenly remembered why he couldn’t let his eyes close, why he had to fight off the sleep tugging at his mind._ _

__“Jongin,” Kyungsoo breathed, his fingers stretching out, reaching for something that was too far away. Yixing let go of his hand, giving space as Jongin took his spot kneeling beside Kyungsoo. Still, he hovered near, looking as if he wanted to hold onto Kyungsoo until the world collapsed around them. Kyungsoo wanted to reach out, but his arm felt too heavy, sewn to the ground. “Jongin,” he tried again, his voice weak. Tears dripped down his cheeks, following the path that the blood had already made. He felt fingers close around his own, warm and strong._ _

__“Kyungsoo.” Jongin’s voice was startling. In the many years Kyungsoo had known him, not once had Jongin sounded so broken. It was unnerving; never before had Kyungsoo ever doubted his strength, his resilience. To Kyungsoo, Jongin had been untouchable, immune to any pain or torment. He was the one who held their world together, he was the one that was supposed to pet Kyungsoo and say that everything was going to be alright. But he didn’t. “Kyungsoo, I’m so sorry.”_ _

__Something tapped against Kyungsoo’s hand, and it took a moment for him to realize that it was tears, flowing silently from Jongin’s eyes and dripping onto the ground below. Kyungsoo squeezed his hand, forcing a smile to replace the grimace of pain strewn across his face. Not once had Kyungsoo seen such sadness in his eyes, such hopelessness as Jongin’s hands fluttered over his mangled body. Not on the night they broke up, not on the day got shot. He wanted to take that pain away, even if it meant adding to the long list of agony he was in. “Jongin.” It felt so good, to be held by him once more, to say his name and know it would be heard. “Jongin, I lied.” The grip on his hands tightened, and he felt fingers cup his face gently, thumb tracing over his reddened lips. Tears pools in Kyungsoo’s eyes, his voice breaking as sobs wracked his body. “I lied.”_ _

__“I know.” Jongin’s eyebrows drew together, his mouth pulling into a hard smile. When he spoke, his voice wavered, and Kyungsoo could see him swallowing, over and over, fighting off wave after wave of tears. “I know, it’s okay.”_ _

__“I never stopped,” Kyungsoo continued, lip trembling. His chest ached, but it was nothing compared to the numbness, the cold that had replaced all feeling in his legs. He forced himself to concentrate, trying to feel Jongin’s hand in his. He didn’t want to let go. “Not once. I couldn’t- I can’t stop.” Kyungsoo allowed himself to cry freely, pressing his face into Jongin’s hand though it was covered in tears and blood. “It _hurts_.” And Kyungsoo wasn’t sure whether he was referring to the pain in his chest or the pain in his heart, all he knew is that it ached deeply each time he spoke, each time he breathed or moved or wept._ _

__Jongin leaned in, pressing their foreheads together in a way that was so familiar Kyungsoo could almost imagine that they were lying together in bed, letting the early morning sunlight rouse them from their cozy sleep. Kyungsoo whimpered, using what little energy he could conjure up tilt his head upwards, pressing his lips against Jongin’s. Then he slumped back, coughing. Blood trickled from his mouth and nose, and he hated the way Jongin looked down at him, the way his eyes said goodbye and his lips said don’t go. Kyungsoo sucked in a deep breath, the air gurgling in his throat. It was too difficult to stave off the exhaustion; it creeped closer with every second and Kyungsoo didn’t have the energy to fight it. He didn’t realize his eyes had fallen shut until he felt Jongin shaking him, the action rough with panic._ _

__“Kyungsoo, open your eyes.” Jongin sounded utterly shattered, so Kyungsoo obeyed, though it had cost him being able to feel Jongin’s hand clenched tightly around his own. He could only hold the gaze for so long, however, and he soon felt his eyelids begin to falter, dragging down heavily. Jongin shook him again, not even trying to keep the choked whimpers from his voice. “Kyungsoo, _please_.”_ _

__The sound of his own heart was all Kyungsoo could focus on; he listened as it slowed and stuttered, continuing to pump the very life out of Kyungsoo’s body and onto the concrete beneath him. It was a mercy, perhaps, that he could no longer feel the fire in his chest, but it also meant that, try as he might, he couldn’t feel Jongin’s hands on his body, or his breath as he sobbed into his neck. He tried to concentrate on that, his eyes fluttering shut in resignation. He listened to Jongin’s uneven sobs, listened to the little drips as his tears splashed against the pool of blood surrounding them. It was to this melody that he felt his muscles relax, spent from having been tensed for so long. Jongin felt his body soften, and leaned back, eyes searching Kyungsoo’s face as he gripped onto his shoulders tightly._ _

__“Kyungsoo,” he whimpered, his voice sounding distant. “Kyungsoo, no, don’t go yet. Stay with me.” And Kyungsoo desperately wanted to obey; he wanted to get up from the floor and hug Jongin tightly and never let go, but each second pulled Jongin further and further from his mind, the world quietening until all he could hear was Jongin’s voice, broken and anguished. “Kyungsoo, stay awake. Stay with me, my love. Please don’t leave me yet. Stay with me,”_ _

__“if only for tonight.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay before anything, I gotta say sorry not sorry for the ending. My teacher (yes, the one that cried while doing dishes) originally was shocked that this chapter was the end (before she read it) because shes like;  
> "???? there are so many loose ends! How can Koko and JayJay (she couldn't quite remember their names properly lmao) have closure all in one chapter? There is so much going on!"  
> and at that point I just smiled and tilted my head and shrugged. Because I knew.  
> This chapter is precisely 3,250 words long. That pleases me.  
> Also if you were wondering, yes this is my other favorite chapter.  
> ALSO also, If there were two things that I had planned for this fic before anything else, it was this chapter and that the last line would be the title. Sneaky.  
> ALSO ALSO also, I was thinking about writing out just like the thought process/ planning/ author's notes about this fic, but I dunno if any of you would be interested in reading it? I could also answer any outstanding question's you guys had, but most of it would be me just talking about it and the suffering that ensued.  
> ALSO ALSO ALSO also, I already have my next fic ready to go, so I should be posting that soon. That one is only 4 chapters. Its Demon!au Kaisoo (Incubus Jongin and asexual Kyungsoo (^: ) and I promise that one isn't as sad as this one


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